Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Never thought I'd be here......part 2

Do I just wait?

Unfortunately, yes. And for perhaps a much longer time than you might have imagined. Be patient and continue working on you.

unfortunatly thats all you can do, improve yourself and wait. The waiting game stinks, and it is very painful, but its all we can do. "Little by little a bird builds its nest."

OK. But wait for WHAT exactly??

We have to wait for them to start initiating contact with us, wait for them to notice us, wait for them to realize they miss us. We have to wait for them to show some interest in us again. Even if they start to do any of this we still have to be cautious and slow.

"but a planned date, time touching (with or without sex following), a sincerely given compliment, on a daily basis, went a long way to heal my marriage."

I hear you there 25^^^^, but I am not even at a place where I could GIVE her a compliment now without it landing with an odd and awkward thud as she climbs into her VW a drives away. Hell, as it stands now I am literally aching to text her and ask how my son is and I have to sit on my hands.

Well, I guess this gives me time to work on my patience.

Well, it got to me. It's been days without seeing or hearing about my son. I sent my W a one line text asking if he was OK. She responded "Yes. I know, it's hard on me when he's gone, too." She also texted a pic of him with his new favorite toy and responded "He is the light of my life". I responded that I was glad he was OK and for the two of them to have a good weekend together and to tell him that his daddy loves him.

Maybe a little slip in LRT/going dim - but it's hard for me to be without my son. To my defense, I DID NOT ask anything about her, what's she's up to, etc. - nothing about R. I just wanted to know how my boy was - nothing more. I won't reach out to her again until I have to pick him up on Sunday.

Quick texts about our son are pleasant between us. I feel in my heart that if we are ever to reconcile he will play a large role in it.

Crimson

Crimson, I feel for you - my kids are much older, but having them with me through this keep me going.

You sound like you are doing so well in dealing with your hard situation. I'm inspired by your strength; you seem to be able to act very well towards your W despite the pain you're going through.

Too often, I still let my pain /anger get the better of me and I immediately regret it.
Hang in there.

Crimson,

Personally I don't see how being an involved parent will hurt your cause. I think it's fine to text her (or call her) specifically to talk about your son -- as long as that's all it's about and you don't give her any reason to think it's just a pretense to communicate with her. I'm sure she actually appreciates your care for your son. As long as you don't overwhelm her, an occasional text asking only about your son (and not her) is fine.

In terms of your question "how long do I wait and for what", you need to wait for her to make an overture to reconnect with you in some way. It needs to come from her, when she is ready.

She needs to know that (1) you want to save the marriage, (2) that you don't want the same situation back that you had before -- you want something better, and (3) that you're willing to do the work on you.

After you've made that clear *once* you're done and you're into prove it and wait.

Accuray

NLW - for some reason I don't think I was every really "angry" per se. Maybe a little, but it has mostly been hurt, sadness, depression and a crushing sense of loss for me. Keep your temper and emotion in check the best you can. I have learned through trial and error and reading these boards that it never, ever helps your case when you lose it on your spouse. Sometimes I have to force myself to smile or fake and emotion I am not necessarily having at the moment - but I know it is for the best.

Accuray - Thank you for making me not feel so guilty about texting my W asking about our S. I stuck to the script and did NOT ask about her in any way, shape or form - it was all about our son and how much we both love him and miss him when he is away from either of us. Brief, no R talk at all.

I know I am breaking my self imposed rule and trying to look inside my W's head, but I couldn't move past this after our brief text exchange last night. She stressed how he is the light of her life, how much he misses him - etc., and I get that because I am feeling the same way. What I can't really get my head around is that I would do anything I could to not be away from him like I have to now - anything. I would never pursue an end that would result him in being away from me half the time. That says to me that the pain of living with or reconciling with me is greater than the pain of missing your only child when he is 19-20 months old. I just can't grasp that, but it clearly is not something I am meant to fully understand - nor is it something I can control - hence, into the wind it goes.

She has said things via text like "he likes it here, too" (in reference to her new place) "he has the best of both worlds". And she was sure to talk about activities that she wants to take him to, etc - like she is trying to signal to me that he is happy with her and being a good mom. Maybe it's because I try to keep her filled in on a few of the things we do together and she is trying to make the point that she is keeping him active and engaged, too....I dunno. All I know is that it hits us both square in the heart to be away from him. It's a trade-off that I will never understand. However, as mentioned above, if we are ever to repair our M I feel that he will be a part of it.

Crimson

"in terms of your question "how long do I wait and for what", you need to wait for her to make an overture to reconnect with you in some way. It needs to come from her, when she is ready."

"She needs to know that (1) you want to save the marriage, (2) that you don't want the same situation back that you had before -- you want something better, and (3) that you're willing to do the work on you."

Accuray,

It has become clear that I need to weight for her to come to me on one level or another - and in order to do that I need to foster and environment that would allow for it (peaceful discussions, no forced R talks, no begging/pleading). I guess I am struggling with how long that would actually take, and how to practice patience in the meantime. I guess that is where "detaching" is helpful - but detaching for the sake of saving your marriage is so antithetical to natural thinking - but I am giving in to it.

I know she knows that I want to save the marriage - but I let it be know before I read DR - so it was done mostly through tears and letters.....the message was put out there, but was it fully received? Like others I fear that my lack of contact with her will signal that I have made peace with the split - how does one manage that?
How do I let her know that I am willing to work on me?? The natural answer would be not to TELL her but to SHOW her - and I feel that now that we are in two separate homes the chances to do that are limited at best. UGH. Help.

Crimson