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(((IS))) I am sorry that he said that. But you must look for a L that willmfightvfor you and your rights. I don't believe what this L said to you. It is illogical and L go on logic so don't dispar . A judge can always be persuaded for the benefit of a child I see it every day. So hang in there

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this pain. Its bad enough that you are dealing with the emotions of being left and ending a relationship, but to be told that you might also loose your child- there's no words!
I wish you didn't have to fight to prove that you are his mom. I wish that the courts/lawyers would just use some common sense (hey, this kids has 2 loving parents that want to continue to raise him and see him thrive?? Awesome!) I bet all the kids in the system wouldn't care what type of person you were: GLBT, purple, 3 eyes.... as long as you provided them with a loving home.
I really admire you determination to find the right L to fight for you. (If you live in Tallahassee, I have a L friend that specializes in GLBT custody, and divorce cases.)

I wish you all the best!! Your son should be so proud to know how hard you are fighting for him

Oh yeah if you have no right to the little guy than she has not right to your property, right? That pisses me off having a degree does not mean you like or are good at what you do. Sorry just venting.

So, to update the personal stuff in the sitch. A week ago Sunday, Dec 11, W was acting depressed/down. Nothing really new. One thing she's complained about is that I've always tried to hard, asked too much if she's ok, etc... so that has been a 180. Kind of leave her alone to wallow if that's what she wants. But Sunday she seemed really down, and had for a day or two. I just told her, "Look, I've known you for a long time and something is really bothering you. If you want to talk, I'm here.' Left it at that. (180!). She has been pretty shut off from me for a while, so I didn't have much expectation that she would talk to me, but she opened up --- she said this time of the semester makes her really sad "because she realizes that this is part of what got us to this point." What she meant is that I'm really really consumed by work for a couple of weeks at the end of every semester -- and she's always felt neglected at this time. We had a nice honest talk about that, and I acknowledged my transgressions, telling her that this semester I've tried to put her and S first (which I have and which she said she did notice THIS semester...)

Then Monday the 12th comes. A while back I had asked her about going to an event based on one of the few tv shows that we ever really watched --- she didn't seem very interested. Long story short, I found out that Monday she was going to this event with a 'group' which I'm pretty sure just meant OW.... Interestingly W was very very apologetic - even texted me tell me she was sorry during the day. Not sorry enough to NOT go,but anyway..

The next night we took S as a family to see Santa, then watched a movie together the next night, took him for xmas pics etc... Lots of family time. Lots of good honest conversations b/w W and I --not all/much R talk- but open communication. I even told her "You know, we've had more open, honest convos in the past few months than in the past 13 years" She agreed....

Well, then she spent time Saturday with OW.... and here came a pullback. WE had made plans to take S to a movie - W tells m of the blue Sun morning that no, she doesn't want to go. We've had too much family time and she thinks I'm using it as a way to keep/get us together (yep...she's right. That was one thing my DB coach told me--- crowd out OW with family time. I'm thinking OW is not enjoying all this...and said something.)

Flash to yesterday -- Monday. W gets really sick and has to come home from work early. I take care of her as much as I could (she really needed rest) and I take care of S so she can rest. She goes into 'our' bed -- she's been on the couch a couple of months now -- and stays there all day until bedtime. W, S and I even watch a movie on her laptop in bed. Really nice. We banter about 'if we get back together, she doesn't like this mattress, she wants the dogs to sleep in another room from us, etc..."
At some point I say "you know u and S are my number one priority. Do you believe me?" She said, "Eventually."

I should have prepared more for the pullback--- I knew it was coming!! After a week of nice encounters--- no drama --- and even banter about 'if we get back together....' today she stays home from work. I go about my business--- don't bother her. When S and I get home, she's kind of in a mood. So that's where we are right now. She had been texting OW less this past week. Last night it seemed to start a bit more and now tonight it's all intrusive again. Oh well. Back and forth.

IMVHO her actions make me think she's really NOT 'done' with 'us' == but I have to keep being cool as possible and detach.

Thanks for any input. You guys are great! I'm glad the semester is over and I can return here to my home

Good 180. Also good that she did notice. Keep working on that 180.



IS - this IS a positive. Remember a month ago when your w didn't give a d@mn about your feelings. Don't expect her to keep treating you nice, but he!! be grateful for it!



Good honest conversation is good. Open communication - also good. Maybe next time, don't call attention to it.. just keep it up.



Ah.. yes... you are bringing up positive feelings and she needs to squash them. Total WAS script.



The banter is interesting.. but asking if she believed you?? (swings 2x4)




IF she is not really done - then you do need to continue to detach. You are doing a good job IS with your changes.. but remember that they are for YOU because YOU want to put your wife & son first.. instead of doing because she asked?

I mean do you see the difference of perspective there?? 1 - is doing it so wife notices (which is why you ask or bring up stuff). The other is because you realized that you need to change and you are going to change regardless on if your w appreciates it.. or even notices it.

The 2nd is a change of heart, the other.. a change in tactic. Good DBing is always changing of the heart.

Glad to see you back!

IS,

first, I'll read the case and see what gives. Have not read it yet and of course states do vary. Plus in case it's not obvious, I can't give "legal" advice here and you'd be a fool to take it. But I will say, see another L b/c you have nothing to lose, obviously and

furthermore, I'm amazed at the brazen malpractice I witnessed in a small town recently. Several of the L's had cut and paste operating agreements that literally had conflicting clauses in them, billed up the wazoo for things they did NOT do (on my birthday, which I clearly recalled, the outside counsel billed my client for hours of work he could not have done b/c he and I were working on another case. He didn't know it was my birthday but thought I was an evil genius for recalling that specific day...what a crook. And charming too...)

Worst of all, there was a lawsuit against the client that was over a year old. I came upon it as the new head counsel and read it carefully. The arguments of the other side MADE SENSE and I zeroed in on their arguments since they made them for us...(the L prior to me, still assisting and billing like crazy, had not either read it at all, or not carefully. It was dry and not interesting. It was also worth millions...)

So I read it line by line with a ruler. I referred to a code and found another mistake in our favor. Poof, "we" won.

The fact that the prior L had this case for 14 months and had not read this document, with which I had no previous experience, shocked and sickened me.

I'll never forget it. I have several Ls in my family and we all were amazed that this is done and L's don't get sued more.

So on behalf of my profession, I apologize.

Also, that 2nd lawyer bugs me b/c Instead of saying you have no case, the 2ndL could have said he lacks sufficient experience or referred you to someone who "might" be able to help you. Even if I truly believed you had no case, I'd send you to someone else with more hope.


Now for your other stuff....

Also, I echo what Val said. You are pursuing AGAIN...so of course there is pull back.

Get a grip. Why "observe" about the "good conversations" or anything? LET HER COME TO YOU and more than once....do NOT point out your changes. As Val says, that reeks of tactical moves on your end and NOT sincere or lasting changes.

Why should she believe in them when you highlight them? OMG stop that. It's like what your S does when he makes a nice card for you and wants attention.

Um, it's cute on a 4 y/o....not so much on a woman.

IS, you have to figure this out asap.

The more you detach, the more you interest her.

It's not easy - but it's NOT complicated either.

okay, enough 2 x 4s b/c I do see some glimmers here.

Plus I think holidays are kid time and OW isn't quite in the picture yet. Too bad so sad for her...


But you have to back off. Let her at least fear losing you, in theory???
Please...

trust ALL the advice you are getting here. BACK OFF and be more mysterious!!

You can do that and still be a good mom.

((( )))

PS

Not sure I'd frame this as a gay rights issue. Neither of you is biologically related and both of you cared for the child.

If you are the legal equivalent of a "neighbor" then so is your w, despite the paperwork, or so I'd argue.

In short, what difference would it make if you were a man? NONE...so instead of labelling it a gay issue (which MAY turn off some judges/courts and rightfully scares them b/c most courts do not want to MAKE law as That's the legislature's job)

I'd argue two alternate theories, (which you ARE ALLOWED to do)

and make it about the two "parental figures" in son's life & wrongly favoring one, arbitrarily, AND 2nd,

argue that the only reason you were not in the paperwork is the discriminatory laws that existed, which prevented you from doing so.

But that's not legal advice, just me shooting off my mouth.

Plus I still have not read that case but will now...hope this makes sense.

IS- Congrats on sticking to your 180 goal! You'll find that the more you choose to do your 180s, it becomes more natural and then the 'norm'. My H has commented a few times that he's noticed some changes... My first reaction is to throw a mini party for myself, but I just say: "thanks" and leave it at that. (A LOT easier said than done!)

I too am having a hard time detaching especially when I experience a good time with H and the kids. I have to remind my self that it doesn't mean anything, don't expect this to become the norm. I like what VAl said about DB as a tactic or change of heart- I think this is great advice. I needed to hear it too.

Detach, detach, detach... I think we should put sticky notes on the mirror, in the fridge, in the car- that remind us of this every day.

HELLO INSHOCK,
Welcome back. I think you are doing a great job! It is almost impossible to deal with th kind of sitch you are in while living in the same house as your s. It is nerve wracking, you are constantly on guard to be at your best. It is exhausting!! It does sound like you are making some progress, right now you are on an uptrend of the rollercoaster. Hang on!

Good to hear from you again,
Gunny

Hey all:

Val: You are so right about the change of heart not as a tactic. I'm having trouble with that, I'll be honest b/c I still do want 'us' back so badly. I keep reminding myself it's for ME it's for ME and no matter what I will be a better person in the end.

Hang on -- gotta get S ready for bed.... will be back