Yes, she will seem fine, particularly to you. There is no way that she's going to let you see a crack in that veneer. Just know that she is not fine, you're just the last one she's willing to share that fact with right now. No one can make such a big life change, inflict so much hurt, and go through so much upheaval without feelings of doubt, regret and remorse. They also, however, have hope that things will be better without you -- that's the only face you'll see.
Why? Because if she shows you doubt, remorse, or grief, she knows you will seize on it and come charging in and she wants space. You are like a wall of water behind a dam from her perspective. One little crack and she's going to be awash -- therefore she must be impermeable.
For men (and perhaps for women too), we are driven to solve problems. It's one of the old relationship cliches that women want to share their problems and just want us to listen, but we rush to offer solutions. When our relationships are in crisis, we want to solve the crisis right now. Every interaction becomes an opportunity to solve the problem. That's how we're wired and why this is hard -- because the solution comes from inaction in the relationship.
One of the great learnings I had through my crisis is the value of time. What your W says and does today is not permanent. We tend to deal in absolutes, and if our spouse tells us something with conviction, we perceive it as fact and it colors our understanding of our relationship forever after. That's not how people work however, people change their minds and their feelings daily. Therefore, there are some things that will reveal themselves only through time. That's what it means when DB says not to believe anything they say and only half of what they do. It's trying to tell you not to regard their current attitude as fact forever after.
You also need to give your strategies time to work. One exercise I used was to put a date on my calendar 3 weeks out. I said I would keep doing the same thing (detach, no R talks, whatever) for 3 weeks and at the end of that time, I would re-evaluate. Then, I would either KEEP doing the same thing, or change course depending on what was working. If you don't set goals and put dates in your calendar, it's very tempting to try to shift strategies and backslide based on how you are feeling in the moment, or in reaction to the last thing that happened.
We get into panic / crisis mode and don't see things as clearly as we should.
Sorry if this is redundant with advice you've already received. I feel your pain and I wish you the best
She has dropped some pretty hard punches on me - "IT'S OVER! I'M DONE! AND THERE IS NOTHING THAT YOU CAN DO OR SAY TO MAKE ME CHANGE MY MIND!"
Crimson, there is chance that while she may have been saying this to you and even looking at you when she said it, she may have been saying to herself, as an act of self-convincing. IOW, she has to constantly remind herself of what what she's doing and why. Man, I have heard different variations of this SO many times over the last 10 months. It's pretty scary sometimes how convincing it can be. Don't drink the Kool-Aid.
I think you're in a one day at a time mode right now. Maybe in 3 weeks you can start looking for small positives, but you may not get much more than that. Take advantage of this time to GAL and work on yourself. If you don't notice any changes, re-evaluate at that time. There are plenty of folks here to help you navigate that. You don't have to know your strategy 3 weeks out right now.
I like the idea that her rant may have been more to convince herself. Since I heard the exact same sentence from my W at one time. I'd like to think what you say is true>
Crimson - I just read your entire thread and I pray for your success for yourself, son, W and M.
I want to share with you that what you are hearing from 25yrs (not to discount anyone else's caring advise) may be the best help you could ever ask for.
Honestly, she has said much the same to me and it was like I was pole axed, it stopped me in my tracks and it changed everything for me in terms of looking inward. Funny how people you have never met can change your life.
Not to say that taking that advise it easy. I actually think that if I had a near death experience and life review it would have been easier than hearing what 25yrs had to say to me.
Another thought I just had that in reading the posts of others on this blog you can see questions asked and advise given, and it is easier to incorporate into your own life sitch. That's what happened here. I was able to read advise you got without the defensiveness I might have had if the same words had been directed at me, esp in the case of 25yrs. You have no idea how much I resisited what she was saying. I felt like my hair was on fire!
Listen man, you can do this. Listen to others, listen to the divine where you can, listen, listen, listen everywhere (esp the W)!
So I am giving some thought to the custody argument W and I are having after reading some posts, more of the book and just THINKING.
W and I both have custody plans we would like to implement. She doesn't like mine and I don't like hers.
Situational facts:
1.) One of W's FREQUENTLY articulated sources of unhappiness was her perception that everything had to be my way (W said she "wasn't surprised that I didn't take her proposal/opinion seriously - it is reflective of the dynamic of our former marriage" - hurtful, and I think she said "former" just to turn the knife a bit
2.) Any agreement we arrive at now would not be legally binding as it is just between us and not dictated by the court
3.) It is clear that this topic is one that stirs up a lot of anger and resenment in my W ("avoid things that don't work")
4.) This has to be resolved soon so that we may get on with our lives and whatever this process will bring
Based on the above, I am considering accepting her proposal with two modest modifications: 1.) when I have him on the weekends I pick him up Friday night instead of her dropping him off Saturday morning at 9:00 AM - 2.) When she has him on the weekends she returns him to me at 3:00 or 4:00 instead of 7:00 so I can make him dinner and eat with him.
In turn, she would pick up an extra day with him over me (Wednesday) and we would basically be agreeing to a plan SHE proposed.
I would like this to be a 180 based off of her complaint about me "always having to get my way". I think those two simple modifcations to the plan she proposed would work. Thoughts? Would this get a decent reaction if presented as "We can use your proposal if I can suggest two minor fixes..."? I'm just throwing things against the wall right now and trying to DB my way out of a negative situation and TRY to make it into a postive where she walks away feeling good and I walk away feeling good as well.
