That is an outstanding idea! I think I may have thought about doing that previously but never followed through.
For a while after the bomb I accepted the blame and my w's rewriting history as fact and was really depressed about it. I'm so glad I found this site and realized that it was just waw script and have come to realize that I wasn't as bad of a husband as she currently thinks. (Although I do have quite a bit that I can improve on)
I think the hard part is going to be for you to define where the line of blame and rewriting history ends and fact begins.
I took a break from the DR book and am reading "The Solo Partner". I haven't worked thru all the worksheets, but part of it was making a list of things to change about yourself. The book says to enlist friends and family in this process, because what you hear from your spouse may or may not be valid.
So do some fact finding and don't just take his word on it!
PS Thank goodness for the wonderful people on this site. I gain so much from reading about our different journeys!
Wendy
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
So maybe I will make 2 lists, that is not a bad idea. I am not as much focused on what he thinks of me, but rather trying to own my part of it and make the necessary changes that are for me and my future R whether with him or not. If I have struggled with codependency that can come across as controlling. I don't want to be that person and know it is truly an area I need to work on. There are also qualities that I have seen in myself that he has not mentioned, but I know that I need to change (for me) and it all boils down to having more self respect.
My other list can be things that I enjoy, make me happy, bucket list of sorts. I know for sure that I will be taking up photography this year. I have always wanted to and this is my year!!
I saw on another post that 25 posted about a program that she did called Essential Experience. I just checked and there is one in my area beginning in January. I am going to look into it a little further but I think it could really be good for me to do this.
Some days are tougher than others. This morning H called me to come lay down with him for a few minutes before he got up for work. No talking just laying there, with his arm around me. It made me sad on some levels but I miss my H. As it was getting closer to time to get up, he said "just two more minutes like this, I don't want to face it yet" So I said "face what" and he responded "reality, responsibility" I didn't say anything.
Today I have gotten a few emails and texts from him. I responded to the work related emails and that was it.
I probably shouldn't have gone in there this morning, but I wanted to and I guess on some level I thought he wanted to talk. After he accused me of flirting, he apologized the next morning and said "we'll talk tonight"
When last night came and went, he sent a text to me saying "I am not avoiding a talk, but enjoying the peace tonight. We can talk when the time is right"
His pattern is to try to smooth it over, be cute and never deal with it until the next argument. It's a pattern I need to break for me, whether he chooses to or not.
Hey Autumn! As your H feels you pulling away, he is drawn back to you. Seems like a good thing. Just recognize it for what it is and keep up that distancing!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Don't worry my little pity party is over. :-) Where did that come from? Yesterday was so good.
I am feeling better and stronger. I listened to some good music, got to the gym and made an appt with my DB coach for Monday. Can't wait to catch up with her.
Has been a bit of a rough weekend emotionally, doing my best.
Last night H got very drunk, was a complete mess. It was less than attractive. He asked me to stop over at neighbors house with him. I didn't realize what type of shape he was in until we were already at neighbors. They were looking at me over his head and shrugging their shoulders, as if to say "what is he thinking". I just shrugged back.
I got up to go out for a cigarette (stress does that to me), and he said "i told you i'm fine" so I said "good to hear, but I simply said that I was stepping outside"
Even neighbor said "he is having his own conversations"
I was getting up to leave and he said "you need to take me home"
Needless to say he went right to bed, which I was thankful for since the kids were here.
This wasn't a first sadly. It just seems to be getting so much worse. drinking more often and much heavier.
I woke up early this morning partially due to his snoring and thought to myself "this is not fun, not attractive and no way to live" As if this isn't hard enough, we can add a drinking issue to it as well. Perfect!
The kids had a friend sleepover last night so they are all going to sleep late I can imagine. I just did a search and I am going to get dressed and try out a new church this morning.
Then this afternoon I plan to invite my boys to go bowling with me. I know he will be hungover on the couch all day and I will not sit here and watch that. I want to have a nice day with my boys.
It was very nice that my neighbors noticed my weight loss last night, thanks to GAL and probably stress, I have lost some weight. They were telling me that I looked great and they were so excited for me. H stared at the TV and said nothing until the conversation changed. Not surprised but it still hurt.
I am officially living with an alien, and I am counting the hours until my call with the DB coach tomorrow.
