Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I need advice for dealing with a WAW

Don't add that last part!! You're right, it's over the top. Since you've already addressed the card, there's not much you can do about that now, but in the future please discuss things like that here on the board first. To a WAW, the words.....beautiful, wife, love, and always. Bet you never thought those were pursuing, did you?

I've seen nearly every LBH over-kill on the birthday or anniversaries. Leave the gift and card with your in-laws to give to her. Anything else before Christmas coming up?

Hmmm. I'm guessing that I should not have used those words as they are going to make my W feel pursued.

I guess it takes time for my posts to be moderated... I've already replied to my last post where I mentioned I did not add the last bit



Not that I can think of. Before leaving, my W had said she wanted a particular set of movies on Blu-Ray for Christmas (the set is Disney's 'The Little Mermaid' trilogy... I didn't know there were 3 movies either...) The Little Mermaid is like her favorite Disney movie of all time (possibly her favorite movie of all time). She has quite a collection of Little Mermaid paraphernalia.

I was going to get her that set along with a card. As I try and find the set however I see that there is no Blu-Ray version released yet. I don't believe she has any of the movies DVD yet, so I guess I'll get those and hope for the best. Surely I can't be faulted for not buying something that doesn't exist right?

Hey Samuel, how about an update?

Hi sandi2

So far there is not much to report.

A few weeks ago MIL (mother in law) told me that she would call me once a week (on Thursdays) and leave a message if I wasn't home, but so far she hasn't called and the only communication I've had with her was when I called her recently. I know my MIL's father had a stroke at around the same time she was scheduled to go back to work. I'm guessing that between these two events my MIL is probably very busy and just doesn't have time.

Over the last couple of weeks I have continued to see our MC's (they are our pastor and his wife). They agree that the time is coming where my W will need to step up and start communicating. They feel that as an adult and my wife she at least owes me some explanation of what is going on, even if the explanation is that she doesn't really know but needs more time to figure things out. My MC's concern is that my W is trying to simply run away and ignore everything including the M and hope it all goes away on it's own. This is probably a defensive coping mechanism from her past trauma. The MC's advised that I get in touch with my ILs and ask them to try and set up some kind of communication between my W and I. They said face to face would be best but we agree that my W probably won't want to do that so it will likely be over the phone ... if she agrees at all. If she doesn't agree to talk to me, then they recommend writing a very short letter basically stating:

"I love you, I need to know what is going on. Please talk to me..."

My MCs feel that is important that even if my W wants to end the M, that she take responsibility for it and verbalize it herself. If she does, they told me to make sure she realizes the seriousness of her decision. They also said it is important that when or if we talk I do not lead her into any decisions. (i.e don't say something like: "Everything that you have done points to you wanting to end the marriage").

Although my MCs didn't say when I should go about doing this, they said that it seemed like the time was approaching when communication between my W and I has to be made. They said I would know in my heart when the time was right.

Sooo... with that being said...

I was able to call my mother-in-law Saturday morning and chat for about 15 minutes.

According to MIL my W did receive her anniversary gift. I asked her if my W liked the gift and she said that my W didn't say very much and it was hard to tell. I told my MIL that my W needs to tell me something, anything, about what is happening. My MIL says that my W is distancing herself from her but she will try to figure out where her head is at and get her to talk to me. My MIL also said that my W has not seen her grandfather in the hospital yet. My MIL thinks that my W is avoiding it because she is afraid of running into her old pastor who will tell her something she does not want to hear, namely that her place is with her husband. Apparently my W is supposed to be spending a night at my ILs sometime this week which is when my MIL will try and talk to her.

That all being said, nothing has really changed. My W still has not spoken to me. Perhaps I jumped the gun by asking my MIL to try and get her to talk to me. I'm not trying to accelerate a decision either way, I'm just trying to figure out what the heck is going on.

I myself feel ok I guess. I still find certain things very painful and still find myself crying quite a bit when alone. I have been getting out more though. I'm going to a party with friends I haven't really hung out with since meeting my W. (After meeting my W kind of stopped hanging out with most of my friends). I've also been praying quite a lot, which I find helps the most.

So as of this morning it has been 7 weeks since my W moved out (and also last spoke to me). I honestly didn't think it would take this long to establish direct communication with her.

It seems like more and more I am hearing the advice "It's time to move on with your life. She isn't going to contact you if she hasn't by now. It's time to cut your losses.". I've also heard that if I don't hear from her by Christmas than chances are she will never talk to me again as her heart is so cold to me that even Christmas can't warm it up enough to talk.

I don't know, any experts out there care to suggest how long I should let things go on with no communication before I start taking things back into my own hands?

Who are these clairvoiants and how do they know the chances she'll speak to you again?

Friends usually hate to see you hurting and want to see your D over and done with as soon as possible so you can be happy again.

You have to listen to your own voice to know when it's time to move on. I don't know if 7 weeks is that long. My H hasn't left but he's consistently said he wants to be divorced and it's been 6 months.

I think the experts here will need to know more about what you're doing to work on you, to improve what you can. To "get a life" and to address the things she didn't like about you. Have you read DB or DR?

What do you think went wrong in your marriage that caused her to leave?

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, but you've come to a good place to get advice.

Ok, I thought I posted something in response to adinva, but I guess I either didn't or it's stuck in moderation so I guess I'll post again...



I'm sorry to hear about your H. If there is any place that can give you good advice to win him back I'm sure this is it.

For myself I'm certainly in no rush to file for anything. I don't see that as being beneficial to the sitch at this point. We were only married for about 8 months before various stresses crept in and things started going somewhat bad (arguing). Now that she has been gone for almost 2 months, thats 25% of our marriage! But once again, I don't think that filing for a S or D is going to improve the situation at all and therefore am not talking to a L.

Well, I'm exercising and watching what I eat in order to lose weight and get in shape. I'm also hanging out with friends that I haven't really hung out with since I first started dating my W. I kind of got distracted half way through reading DB, but I do plan to finish it and move on to DR.

I don't know... I think maybe several things all at once. I believe I covered them all in the first page of this thread but I'll do a quick recap:

My W suffered lots of trauma as a child (physical, sexual and abandonment). I believe in some ways this stunted her emotional maturity and caused her to build an arsenal of coping techniques.

Fast forward to 8 months after we are married and my W finds out she is losing her job that she loves dearly because the store is closing... Now not only is a large part of her life dissapearing but there are now financial strains until she finds a new job. The W and I get into an argument about a potential job helping her brother. The job would have her working from 8pm to 3am which to me was unacceptable as I would only see my wife for maybe 2 or 3 hours a day. She starts working for brother anyways which causes a lot of tension between us and leads us into a couple arguments that go back and forth similar to the following:

W:"Well I'm a grown woman and I can work any job I want and I don't need to answer to you!"
Me:"Well that's a crappy attitude. Why don't we get a D and you can do whatever you want whenever you want"

Well the second time we had that argument my W decided that I was serious as I brought it up more than once and instantly put up an emotional 'wall' towards me. It was at this point I think she gave up because she became very cold and distant... almost overnight. It was also around this time that we rented our basement out to one of my W's male friends from high school (I initially didn't want to but my W finally convinced me that we could use the rent money). Well my W instantly started spending all her time downstairs with her old friend which made me insanely jealous of the time she allocated to him instead of me. She swore up and down that he was only a friend and there was no A going on (I actually believe that there was no PA going on, but I think there may have been an EA, even if my W never admitted to it). Well anywho this guy in our basement lost his job (he was also working for my W's brother) and thus never did pay rent (and essentially freeloaded in our basement for almost two months). My W and this guy in my basement moved out together, although my W dropped him and his stuff at his mom's house (about 30 minutes outside her hometown) and then went on to move in with a girlfriend in her hometown about 4 hours away. There was no note explaining anything, no message, no communication about what was happening. I came home from work and all her stuff was gone. I haven't spoke to my W since that morning.

So now I guess I'm just waiting for something to happen, although as time draws on it seems more likely like my W is just trying to run from her problems and hope they go away on their own.


Yeah everyone seems to be really helpful and polite here. I don't know if I agree 100% with all the advice I've seen in other people's threads, but so far the advice I've been getting in my own mostly makes sense.

So I've decided to try a new tactic (and no, I didn't send another letter, or gifts or even talk to the MIL recently). For the rest of December I am going to stop calling my W's parents. I'm going to stop talking to my sister-in-law. This is probably what I should have been doing all along I guess.

I'm hoping that if my W realizes that I stopped pursuing her she may think: "Uh oh, why has he stopped trying to get in touch with me? What's going on..." which may spur her to try and communicate with me...

What do all you DBers out there think?

I think it might have some affect, but I'm more concerned about how it will affect you. Going dark can be a last resort, but if you go into it looking for her to respond to your lack of contact with her folks..........and if she doesn't have any reaction at all......then what? How will you handle that?

Well, at worst it's like you say and my W doesn't contact me. I'll handle it the same way I'm handling it now. Living one day at a time, improving my self through diet & exercise, hanging out with friends and making new ones.

I guess sooner or later (perhaps months later) she will either contact me or let me contact her. Or if not, then I'll eventually move on completely and start dating again at which point I'll probably wind up filing.

But once again, I don't feel like I am in any particular rush to break my vows even if my W has broken hers.