Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Husband Left...Part 2

My H told me he was broken after ILYBNILWY. Each time I begged him to come back he said "Dont you get it, I'm broken!!" I wish I said back then "what your Humpty dumpty now". My D3 would have cracked up.

Anyway I too am confused as to WTF it means. I thought MrB explaination worked.

I think this board really emphasizes going dark but I dont think the DB coaches always emphasize that. For me the DB coaches emphasize doing what works to rebuild your friendship with H first. Definitely dont pursue but if you have an opportunitity to communicate with H use it as an opportunitity to show the new fabulous YOU.

"Dont you get it, I'm broken!!"

That is exactly what he said to me. Do we have the same husband? LOL

I like what you said about Humpty Dumpty. Next time my husband tells me he is broken, I have to say that.

Mr. Bond did explain rather well.

He is coming over Saturday to help me move. I am not going to pursue him, but just be a friend. I sometimes wonder if going dark is a good idea.

emphasize doing what works to rebuild your friendship with H first. Definitely dont pursue but if you have an opportunitity to communicate with H use it as an opportunitity to show the new fabulous YOU.


I agree with you here.

I think we have all heard a version of "I'm Broken" my W said "I don't have anything left"
I posted this in my thread:

So that means just giving her my full and undivided attention when she talks to me. I usually only get 15-20 minutes a day, so I have to make sure I do my best with what little time I have.

Had dinner last night with a friend and she is a therapist as well. We were talking about my situation and she told me as long as the H is sleeping with someone else, that I don't have a chance to get him back. Well, that got me thinking, is she right? Also, if I am dark, how do I have a chance with him?

H sent me a text message last night.

H: If she had a nitemare about daddy, I can stop by for a bit to reassure her daddy's ok. I realize it might make things worse when I leave. Its up to you.

Me: thats not necessary

H: K

The reason for his text message last night was because yesterday morning our D was throwing such a fit to see her daddy. And I told him that she had a bad dream and woke up in the middle of the night. So H asked D if the dream was about him and she said yes. Keep in mind she is not quite 3 yet and she will say yes to anything.

So do I continue to stay dark with him? Any advice would be helpful.

Hi Hopeful,

I agree with your friend that if H is sleeping with (or even in an EA with) another woman, then all you can do is tread water -- your goal is not to push him farther away versus drawing him closer. I think you're doing a good job of that, although like all of us, you sometimes struggle with pursuit.

"Going Dark" is the "Last Resort Technique", you should re-read that part of the book if you're considering doing that. The goal is to force a crisis by making H fully realize what life will be like without you. It's a gamble, which is why it's called "Last Resort". The implication is that if it doesn't work, you're done. I don't think you're there yet. I also think it will be difficult to go dark while sharing custody. I'd be interested in what others would say about the challenges of doing that.

Detaching is good and you should continue to do that, but going dark is the extreme end of detaching -- it means you don't see or talk to him.

Accuray

Accuray--Thanks.

I have detached from him. I don't want to go dark. I want him to know that I am still here, but I am sure he is aware of that.

So, how can I bring him closer to me without pursuing him?

Took my oldest D out for her birthday dinner. While we were at dinner, my H called to ask me something about our D. I made sure he could hear the music in the background. So ten minutes later he called me and I can hear our D screaming in the background. He had me on speaker phone and I asked if you want me to come over and my D answer yes Mommy. So I was there in no time because I was down the street from where he lives. She was so happy to see me and I got her to eat some of her dinner. I only stayed an hour and told my D that I had to go. She hugged and kissed me good bye. I told my H bye. About ten minutes later I received a text from him saying:

H: u left very abruptly. did I say or do something wrong?

Me: no. not at all. im mtg a friend that's why i had to leave.

H: k. cya in the am

Was it wrong from me to say I was meeting a friend? Actually, that was I lie. I was going Christmas shopping. I didn't want him to think that I don't have a life.

I'm scared if I detach to much, he is going to think that I am moving on with my life and I am afraid he will to then.

How can I engage with him without pursuing him?

I think you did well with that, if you think of it as you were mtg a friend to Christmas shop and forgot to invite your friend it isn't really a lie. I don't think you have to do anything other than what you are already doing. See how leaving "abruptly" got him to text you. Detaching is working.

I think you did well... though I wouldn't make stuff up. Just say you're busy or you're doing things. The problem with making stuff up is that if you find yourself in a convo later you have to remember what you made up, and what was it about, etc... But nice job being "abrupt"

What an interesting day. I am finally moving into my own place. I had my exH and present H helping me move.

H was very flirting with me. He is curious about who I was with last night. He made several comments, and I just had this shy little grin on my face. He wants me to come over later to help him put our D to bed and fool around afterwards. As much as I would love to do that, I have to tell him I am holding to my word about what I told him several weeks ago. I told him as long as he was sleeping with someone else, he will not sleep with me. We do have a good time moving stuff. He will be back over tomorrow to help unload the truck. I wonder if he will be the same.