Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Well, I'm back...with bright red face.

Val,

I also wanted to come back to say that it shows great courage and compassion on your part to come as a victim of abuse and offer me encouragement.

As for the truth in what W says - well, I have had a nasty temper, and although I have never struck W (if any thing, I have had urges to harm myself during those moments), W has told me that these have been intimidating to her, and made her feel apprehensive about expressing her own thoughts, feelings and opinions.

I can see how this could be the case. More importantly, I won't doubt what she has told me. All I know is I never meant to be abusive, and to hear that said against me horrifies me.

Thanks again.

Just a daily update...so I don't get in the habit of "going dark" with you guys, and losing track of what I am doing here.

Last night kind of stunk. I came in, said hello to W, she barely said, "Hi," and made no eye contact. Seemed sad and low, so I asked her, "Are you alright?"

Her response: "What do you want from me, psych??!!"

The rewards of DBing may be wonderful (hope,hope,hope, pray), but sometimes the process just stinks!

In addition to being difficult and often painful, it also makes me anxious. I realize that doing the "obvious" things to do (you know, pursuing and all) was what got me where I am, so it makes sense to do things that are counterintuitive. But still, as I DON'T pursue, as I GIVE W ROOM, as I try not to push the issue, there is a terrible voice in the back of my head, asking me if I am just passively letting everything slip away. If the M is dissolving and by not pursuing I am just standing by and watching it go. As though I don't even care.

I know all the reasons why that is not the case. I know that I have to focus on my own life, and do what's good because it's good, not to impress W. And I know I'm playing a waiting game. But the anxiety while waiting is sometimes excruciating.

Thanks for listening, everyone.

Well, a retroactive Merry Christmas to all of you.

Been a long time since I posted. Right now, I'm just trying to hold steady, but things have been really rough between me and W.

Part of it has to do with the circumstances. W recently suffered an abdominal hernia, and is in pain most of the time. This, of course, makes the pregnancy tougher on her. She can't lift anything. I don't know what's going to happen once the baby starts to get bigger. Neither does the doctor.

W now is more irritable than ever - obviously. I can understand that the chronic pain will make her more upset. What I have problems dealing with is listening to the sharp, well-aimed and barbed complaints that she makes - because I know that there is a factual basis for them, so it is hard to keep a thick skin when she brings up things from the past, and I have trouble determining the times when she is being oversensitive to things I do rather than recognizing important complaints.

Yesterday, she asked me to take some things out of our recycling bin, so there would be more room for more things that need to go in (you know, all the packaging material from Christmas), and I suggested that we wait to take things out until the room is needed. She rejected this idea, which was fine. Only later did she tell me she was furious about this, because I had been "arguing" with her!

Later on that evening, she was trying to ask me a question, and she hesitated for a while, so I tried to finish the sentence for her, as I was in the middle of preparing dinner. She was very angry at me then, and later told me, "Well, it's good to know nothing's changed. You're still a d**k to me, as always."

Things get so confusing. I offered to help her with her socks last night (abdominal hernia, kind of hard and painful to bend over), and she said she was so angry with me that she didn't want me to do anything for her. Then later she mentioned a problem with one of my Christmas gifts to her, and said it very sensitively. Well, I actually was able to process that. I was able to look at that and learn that when W is angry, she is angry - it doesn't have to be utter rejection or devaluing of me, just anger she is having. And usually when she is angry, she needs time to calm down. I can address what she is angry about, but I can't expect her to stop being angry if not given that time.

Then this morning, before I left for work...she opened up the bedroom door as I was eating breakfast, and told me she needed "to get laid...but everything isn't OK between us." She said that very pointedly. I know I have been through this before on this board - understanding that sometimes a woman needs to look differently at sex, and that meeting her needs is a good thing.

I met her need. Still, I feel conflicting emotions about it. On the one hand, I am glad that she was still able to look to me to meet one need, and one that places her in a vulnerable place. That suggests some kind of trust. On the other hand, I am struggling with this feeling of being used, treated like the only reason she wants me is for her physical needs. There is just an unpleasant irony to the fact that she tells me how poor I am as a husband, but she still wants sex when she wants it. It's not that I don't want sex, it's just that to me sex means feeling loved and valued, and I didn't.

Afterward she thanked me, and apologized if her way of approaching me had been crude. I went off to work.

Right now, I am just trying to be good to her without expecting anything from her - love freely given. Of course, she tells me what a poor job I am doing of being good to her.

I feel pretty lonely right now.

Gabbysmom,

I really struggle with what you are saying. It seems to me that every time I feel like I am being treated wrongly, I find that there is some way that I was being unkind, or was somehow at fault. I, myself, have a long history of a bad temper, which I am just now getting control over. Even W says that she has been intimidated by me, and even feared for her own safety (I never actually hit her, but I got into her face, and with some distance I can understand - to my own horror - how she could have felt so threatened).

Whenever I tell my IC (I have a new one, for anger management) about the interaction between me and W, it seems to her that W is being unreasonable. But I always wonder if I am telling the whole story, because all of the events seem so different once I discuss it with W. Everything I tell you here is from my own point of view, and filtered through my own memory. I don't know how many relevant parts of the conversation I am not relating here, because often I even find myself surprised to discover what parts of an interaction my memory leaves out, and how it changes the meaning of the conversation.

Honestly, I don't even know how I should or shouldn't be treated anymore, or whether W or I are at fault for what happens between us. More than anything, I feel really confused.