Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy DBing against OW...?????

I get the thing about obsessing about what your H and the OW are "doing" as well as the random images that pop into your head. Like others have said, obsessing about this is an entirely normal response, especially early on. You will often think to yourself something similar to your last post: "I need to stop obsessing." Yet you will be inextricably drawn to let your mind go back to it.

However, there comes a point when you will realize that your obsessing is getting you nowhere but more hurt and less happy. Here's what I know: in terms of cognitive theory, you are what you choose to think about. The more you think about something, the bigger and more emotionally powerful it becomes in your head. (This is why overthinkers are far more likely to become depressed: because they're always thinking about the things that upset them!)

So any time you find yourself thinking about their "activities," make the active choice to think about something else. Read a book. Go for a walk. Think about a happy memory, or just be in the moment. At first, this "switching" trains of thought will be difficult, and you will probably have to do it consciously a LOT. After a while, though, your brain will begin to change as YOU change your patterns of thinking. You will begin to feel at peace more often. Thoughts about "them" will hurt less as time goes on.

I know what I'm talking about because I'm at this stage in healing myself. I promise, if you keep doing this, you'll feel LOADS better.

So I don't hijack this thread Starsky, I'll answer your question in the "Friends" thread.

Thank you nblost and west coast..
I will do the best I can to switch gears when it pops in my head, and it is true, He is no way, shape or form ready to be in any kind of relationship so I know this one wont last..or at the very least be healthy but its hard to watch him run around so obliviouse to the pain he is causeing and so unbelieveably HAPPY!!..not a care in the world...
oh to be that heartless....

They are oblivious though, that's a very salient issue. They have NOOOOOO clue the damage they're doing. None. Some work well with ultimatums, some don't. Your pain to them, will only stand them in front of a mirror that will show them guilt and shame. So same as the "no I love you" rule... reminding them of that when they're not ready is counter productive.

That is exactly why i avoid the subject..really, Im acting as if my catching him never happened, and he is more then happy to go along with that.
Last night was difficult as it was the first time it was "in my face" since he was caught.
He took S14 out to eat and when he picked him up he came in and chatted for a bit, I was home alone and while they were gone S14 started texting me funny little text over and over and then finally called me and they were both laughing and S14 said "Dad told me to"..it was sweet, and first exchange we have had like that in so long..
There had been a sitch with S14 this week that H was supose to speak to him about so after he dropped him off I text him to see how it went and he replied Ill call you when i get to the house, which is 10 min. away.....well an hour later no call and when I called H did not answer. I figured he had went to OW house right after and got pretty upset. after another 30 min. H calls me and says still not home ill call you in 20 min. i said ok and after 20 min. and no call went to bed.
when I woke up this morning theres a text sorry i didnt call, ill call you in the morning....
I know this is wasted energy even caring that he is with OW...He is an alcoholic who is basically acting the age he was when he started drinking, hes a hormonal teenager right now who has the priority list as such. But the thought of him running off to get la*# (sensoring) after dropping of his son makes me sick. and he usually wont have any contact with me when he is spending time with her (wont call, wont answer text from S14 or myself and is basically hard to get hold of) so the texting and calling was strange and not how he usually handles the sitch...
well, today is a new day and my plan is to not answer when he does call today...i want to have a good day and not dwell on the sitch so talking to him today is counter productive to that...he has not plans for the day and maybe it will be good for him to sit in the house alone and not have any contact from me.
off to start my turkey broth...
Happy Thanksgiving everyone..

It seems to be a common experience that WAS' act very selfishly and seemingly oblivious (or uncaring) to the LBS' pain. This is all the more so for a WAS in an A. As I understand it, an A can really mess up the mind of a WAS and make them act very cretinous to others.

I would advise that you take a look at the web site, "Surviving Infidelity." In particular, check out the "Wayward" section of the forums and the FAQ, "From the Betrayed Spouse to the Former Wayward Spouse." There are a lot of WAS' on that website who had affairs and are now appalled & incredibly guilty about their behavior during the A. It may help you find some compassion for your H, as well as give you an idea of what you're dealing with.

Even though he is acting the way that he is acting now, he make wake up one day and realize the pain that he has caused. Best now like you said to detach. Let him do his thing and you do yours.

I got a " happy thanksgiving" text this afternoon from him...went back and forth for 20 min. on if i should respond or not and finally just responded happy thanksgiving.
Tomorrow we have to clean out our house as short sale went threw and it has to be empty by 30th...im dreading it. I raised my kids in that home but catching him in our bed with OW has made it feel ugly. It will be our last time there and i dont want to get emotional.....
S14 wants to bring H a plate from thanksgiving dinner...dont want to as i made a commitment to myself this morning to go dark and really detach until after new years...but dont know what to tell S14..... Not a huge deal but should i????
I feel he made a choice, let him live it..and that doesnt include my awesome cooking...:)

Cretinous behavior. YEP. What a appropriate description.

Mine took me out for my birthday in 2008 and proceeded to want to discuss our separation agreement.

They re-write history in their own minds, their general grasp of reality, makes you wonder if they have developed a brain tumor. Alien abduction.

And the lies...oh... the lies.

Man, im a mess this morning...dreading going to the house, shakey and having a hard time catching my breath...im always like this before i have to spend any time with him and he is sooo calm, which makes it worse.
I wish i could just flake, but i need to get the last of my stuff and its a lot...ill be there for couple of hours. Goingto avoid a lot of contact...and avoud getting emotional....
God give me strength...i hate being in that house!

Ah... Mom, ... I'll keep good thoughts for you. Keep doing what you're doing.