Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy DBing against OW...?????

Hang in there ITM. You have co-parenting tonight, right? Have you though more about what youare going to say?

Going dark does not mean it's over or that you've given up. But you must lose the illusion of control you thought you had with this.

sometimes we need IT to be over, before we can begin a new R with them. What you had with him wasn't good for anyone.

I DO understand why you are so upset about OWs' existence. I get it. All of us have our egos.

But somewhere I thought you said you believed he was drinking again "but it didn't bother you as much" as OW. That bugged me b/c I think his drinking is the underlying theme here.

It triggered your prior decision to leave, his recovery was all about it. Yes DURING his recovery you could have been more receptive and healthier and much less punitive. But We've been over that and I think you get it and you are leery of repeating that behavior. Good for you.

You did the right thing by leaving. You are NOW doing right by your son. That's all you can do.

Detaching is the course of action for 2 reasons.

First, let's say it IS over. Let's say he's really happy with OW and isn't into you anymore and that he "successfully" believes you're the reason he drank...um, okay....so

Then what? You have to move on, right? You cannot wallow, correct?

Imagine your life were a novel. You need to be the one writing it. Make it go your way, be the hero and have the next chapters go how YOU want them to go. IOW, be the author of your life/novel.

All this starts with detaching from what HE is doing/saying/ feeling/thinking/or NOT doing, etc.

it stinks for your son but you have NO control over that and

you probably make it worse by saying anything. So again,

detaching is the road to use.

OR let's say your h isn't so sure of what he wants and thinks that someday down the road he MAY want to try and reconnect w/you...but let's say we somehow knew it would be 2-3 years before this occurred...

so now what? You freeze frame your life and stand still waiting?

isn't he MORE likely to look your way if you are attractive and upbeat and

aren't you far more likely to be that way if you have moved forward in your life?

Again that begins with detaching if reconciliation is the goal and it's not over.

Either way, detachment is key. It's also key to YOUR peace.


When you don't detach, you give your h all your power and the power over your son b/c you are showing your son

that what his diseased father is doing and thinking - reflects on YOU TWO....

instead, show your son that it's his father's loss mostly, and that as cool as your son is, as loving and special and smart,

your h is too sick and ashamed right now to want to see the son who reminds him of what an utter failure he has been as a dad, nor is your h able to handle it. For now. But his dad will re-group and will try to reconnect when his shame and fears subside. I'd be authentic at those "co-parenting" meetings but I'd also talk to the c about not wanting to slam the h to the point of his totally withdrawing from son.

My GUESS is that your h has a lot of shame vis a vis your son. retreating is the easiest thing to do then, and if there is an OW comforting him with soothing phrases like "Someday all will be well" , it's easy to see the appeal of that.

Wish your c were more..."participating and active" I guess. Does he say much to your h?





((( )))

sorry for the weird fonts and underlining...got a new mouse on the computer and it's too sensitive or something.

Hope the post made sense.

I know dark feels like you've given up. Trust me. If he was to put his arms around you... the switch gets turned back on. I know. Been there.

FWIW, I wrestled with the whole dark thing too. I wrestled with what message it would send, (mine said I was living my own life without him - it was an excuse for him, nothing else). I wrestled with my own commitment to how I would feel, if /when the day came where he shows up your door. All valid fears... but once you get there, you'll realize it's for YOU, not him. And you can zoom up those feelings when you call upon them.

thanks guys...i have been thinking all day about what to say...and I agree with 25, it would have to be short to the point and firm...i just question if I can pull it off this week what with the state of mind ive been in...i think im just gonna see how it goes and if I have to, wait until I feel stronger ..cus today im not feeling that so much.

Ill have to check 25 but i dont think i ever said the OW bothered me more then his drinking..but the state of mind ive been in the last 3 months i guess its possible...but NOT TRUE!!
and we have so many friggen Cs involved in this im not sure who you are asking about ...S14 has his own C which he see alone...we talk for a few minutes before each appt but its for S14. He knows S14 well as he has been seing him for over 2 years. He got us through the cutting situation. Dad had not showed up to those appts since the summer other then the one time he did and told the C that he was divorceing me (unbenonste to me) and the C told S14 without realizing that no one had spoken to him yet.
I have my own C that i see and then we have the one we see for co parenting...who kinda goes back and forth between calling him on his behavior and coddling him ....its frustrating to say the least!!
I dont know...i dont feel strong enough to deliever tonight...i have my moments but im not feeling that tonight is it...maybe ill have a mood swing and it will just come out...i just really want it to be a calm and reasonable statement.

again this session did not go as planned...I did start by saying that i did not feel that there was a lot of coparenting happening..mentioned the appt H blew off (which he said he didnt remember) and the fact that OW was at the house when I went to finish getting my stuff (which he said I should have called first) C actually agreed with him and said that from now on we should make contact with each other before there is any interaction as to avoid that situation happening again?????????
in the process of OW being brought up we got into the subject of it being an affair..which H disagreed on. H said that since we had been sepetated for so long he did not consider it an affair. even though he agreed that he was still leading me to believe that we were working on our problems (it was going on for 3 months before I found out) and that he lied when i asked if he was seeing someone.
H stated that he started seeing her without telling me because "he needed to see if the grass was greener before he told me he was threw"..now that I know the time frame I know that he was still comeing to my house everyday and comeing over for dinner while he was seeing her.
H also stated that he does NOT want to tell S14 about it and (this i was totally unaware of) S14 had asked him a week ago if he was seeing other women and H lied to him and said no....He also said that he hardly spends any time with her and doesnt feel its neccesary to tell S14.
He also said that he feels that I treated him like crap for 17 yrs and now the shoe is on the other foot and he is basically giving me a taste of my own medicine.
I then had to sit and listen to him tell her how overwelmed he is that now he is paying rent and he is angry and worried and scared about the money he is going to have to pay me with the divorce and he cant get a moments peace because its always something with me and money. and that he is angry that the D is not just over and done with....

I came out of there seeing him for the first time as a weak, immature man..who doesnt have the ability or the maturity to make decisions that are going to be based on what is best for his son. Im beginning to see that the man I was with for all those years may not exist ever again. and that is why i think im having such a hard time.....I have to think like he is dead. and there is a really good chance that the person he is now is someone that I have no desire to have in my life. He does not care about what S14 is going through, he cannot see beyond his little bubble and that is all he cares about. He actually got angry when it was suggested that instead of texting S14 that he call him once in a while so he could hear his voice. ??????

I know that you all have stories like this and the person comes around and realizes that there actions were so terrible but I dont know how you get past that. I dont think I can forgive someone who is actively hurting my son and has no remorse for it. it was like i was sitting in a room with a stranger.

when C brought up the fact that we needed to renew our approval to have more sessions I stated that I didnt really think that the sessions were benefitial to our co parenting and H said if I wouldnt get the approval for more he would.?????????????
WTH????

I guess this session didnt help my whole going dark idea...but i will continue with that..I feel alot better when there is not the daily interaction by text with him. I see now that he is going to drag out the D, instead of sitting with my attorney and making an agreement, he has decided to get his own lawyer and fight the money issue. this morning I am sick of the whole thing...and disgusted...

Your disgust in your H is quite understandable. We do have to look at them without rose colored glasses. And sometimes the picture isn't pretty. They *ARE* weak and acting like a spoiled 6 year old. You question if you ever actually KNEW the man you were married to. You question your entire marriage. It feels like you've been living a lie. Most if not all of us here have also gone through those feelings.

Thus why going dark IS for you. Staying in their spin cycle isn't healthy for you. He's still blaming you for his brain going to mush, sadly.

Abbey

Oh goodness....ITM, we should record all of them and play them back with everyone in the same room so they can hear how NOT UNIQUE they are. It's like a script isn't it? They all say the same BS things because they are justifying their "ME, ME, ME" existence. WAH....I've lived my whole life being there for everyone else and now it's MY time....WAH.....you abused me and made me feel inferior for years and years (even though no one ever talked about it, spoke up for themselves, or made any move to make improvements).....WAH....WAH...WAH

Honestly, the only thing you can do is step away, stop interacting with him except in case of extreme emergency regarding your child, and pretend he doesn't exist. Seriously, the man you married doesn't exist. This is an alien being that acts like a spoiled child and only thinks of themselves and their circumstances. The vows they made mean ZERO to them now, the fact that their own child is being harmed by all of their nonsense is irrelevant to them.

Now that you realize how immature and selfish he is, hopefully it will help spur you forward.

I'm confused about something through. He wants a D, you push it along because he's at a standstill then he freaks about money and decides to throw more money at the D? WTH? How stupid is that? Does he give you an innordinate amount of money as it stands right now? Is it far over the normal formula?

No Mish..he is giving me exactly what the law says he should in child support but will have to give more for spousal support and he is ticked about that. he doesnt want to have to give me anything.

Im ticked at myself....after session I came home and had so many questions. i ended up calling him and we got into an R conversation. Its the first one we have had since I caught him with other woman but all the same I have worked hard at not talking to him or bringing anything up like that and now I feel like I did a HUGE backslide..I didnt get whiny or cry or anything like that but it was just a useless conversation that did no good and made me feel worse. It was along the lines of why are you turning this into the kind of situation that we cant even talk or work things out for ourselves and making it ugly, we have never been like that before and i dont get it now. I got first hand that you cant ask them a rational question and get a rational answer...and they all, everyone of them say the same thing...reading all the post here, i could answer my own questions in my head and he would say exactly what I thought he would say...it was bizzar...

suddenly H has decided that he wants S14 3 nights a week and everyother weekend, and actually picked him up last night for a few hours..he also has not flaked on this weekend (his weekend) for the first time in months...makes me wonder if someone didnt tell him that he should spend more time with son as it could effect his child support, but Im glad he is doing it all the same. S14 has been missing him.

Im getting to the point were I just want this over also...I know it will be hard when the day comes that it is final, but i want to get out of this rut...i cant do it anymore. feels like just spinning wheels..

You are going to feel like that. Feel like... what's the use?!?!

Don't be surprised that once your change of heart draws them closer. Just this week, my comment about moving to another city and never seeing each other again,... DID sink in.

Slamming the door will make you feel better initially, but long term it's not unusual to feel empty. Try thinking of it is as: He has a LOT to make up for. Leave the door opened only 1 inch.. it's up to him to kick it open. The likelihood of his chasing you IS in your favor.

Abbey