Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy REQ: Looking for a thread from a fellow DBer...

Thanks DbMod for the extra info. I should get my books today or t'row.

@Westcoast, the distancing, and setting boundaries were set with my H once I realized that he didn't have the cahoonies to ditch the parasite until his self preservation kicked in. Which is what happened. (She broke into his house, refused to leave, he called the cops, she accused him of beating her up, told them the cops she lived at the house, etc etc etc.) H thought for sure he was going to be arrested. It was enough to kick his brain back into reality. What I know about both of them is if you give them enough rope, they'll self destruct BIG time. I don't have to help this process along AT ALL. This I've known from the moment the interaction between them had started again.

This setting boundaries for me the first time took from Dec to April. I only allowed him to phone or text. No visits, no friends with benefits, none of that. He was forced to deal with the parasite full on. Nothing like a big dose of realty to help the process.

During those calls from Dec to April. He professed his love. Told me we'd be back together. And I just kept saying, I would like that, but he has "work to do". Until that happens etc. I even went DARK for a short period just before the boundary setting was put into place. It's a combo of giving, rope dropping, darkness when needed and boundary setting once the tarnish starts to set in on the affair.

Thus why I want to get this house sold quickly. I know for example, they were fighting last night. He was NOT happy with her. She got all up in his ear about not returning her call IMMEDIATELY. And then she wanted him to do something for her. He said, NO, "we" are going out. He's already lying to her, and they're already fighting and playing tug of war. Best thing is, this predator parasite isn't SMART enough to actually ever find a book like DB.

One other thing, last night, he slept with his arm wrapped around my are all night. When one of use would move, he would reposition his arm/hand to touch me all night. That had gone away for a week or two, but now it's back.

Incidentally, I was ready to kill him on Saturday. Thankfully my DBing kicked in before I did rip his face off. What worked, just venting off to my sis in law, finding out that his family is LIVID with his interaction with this parasite. His brother who usually says very little can't even stand to be in the same room with him at the moment.

I reminded my sis in law that I need them to not push him "away" too far. I'm trying to employ the concept of: the more you resist their interaction, the more they'll want it. Take away the taboo, take away the resistance and suddenly, they don't have a common "cause" to be together, because nobody gives a crap, if you know what I"m saying.

Sorry if this is a hijack...



WCF, I am not speaking on behalf of Bond on this of course...

It is my opinion that many people, especially "early" (which is relative to each person) in the OP realization, find it difficult just to emotionally cope, never mind be friends with someone who's betrayed them at a core level...

As bond suggests, it is detaching that allows us to finally come to a place where we can begin to be friends, or at least friendly... not FWB... just friends... friends don't romantically engage with their friends nor are they jealous of their friend's love relationships...

As dbmod points out above, beginning with a beginner's mind is important... IMHO a beginner's mind to DB and also a beginner's mind to the R... IOW, become friends with one's spouse when we can truly be their friend... even when they might be coming from a perspective of history... assume no history, as though you are a beginner in the R... in the friendship...

That's my thoughts on the subject...

"Bond, I am intrigued that you say that you've seen the "friends" approach work many times. It seems that your advice toward LBS' in the Newcomers section points more towards creating distance and boundaries until the A "burns out.""

Just to clarify. When the bomb first drops, the LBS has a tendency to overcompensate. They are constantly in the WAS's face which is something they don't want.

Each sitch is different. In some cases, cutting off all contact with the WAS is the way to go. In some, the OP is like a band-aid, a temporary fix. In those cases, the WAS shows some feelings towards the LBS. For those, it would be best to be their friend, but not overly so. Either way, you don't go out of your way to constantly be there.

You build yourself up first to fix your damaged self-esteem and think of the WAS second. There are a number of times I've seen the A burn out. But there is no perfect formula.

H confided in me this afternoon, that OW is pissing him off. I said: you two like to fight. He said, she likes to fight with me. She's already trying to use the child to make him jump through hoops. And of course now between them, the tug of war has already started.

It always helps when the OW is a flippin' idiot and this will not so much burn out as blow up. Time and patience. Time and patience, time and patience...ohmmm.

Kaffe, you're right about the initial discovery about an OP is not the place for where friendship can normally start to evolve. Distance (even during a separation) (which was the case with H and I) was made it easier. Once I realized just how buggered he was emotionally (I realized how badly the aliens got him)... a sense of humor came into the picture, a sense of my own self and I set boundaries. No coming over, no physical contact. They have to miss you. He called me day and freaking night.

Right now, as much as I can start over from scratch, there are some things that I KNOW from the past experience with him. And while beginners mind is important in one regard, so is the motto do what's working.

I'm aware this thing is going to get worse before it gets better. But what what experience has shown me is he's making deals with god again at the moment. He knows in his head this is someone to stay away from, but his heart isn't there yet. Being his sounding board, affirming how hard it is for both of us right now etc. Even telling him to not fight with her, seeing his daughter is what's important - THAT's where I have to be a friend. I refuse to be responsible for him not seeing his daughter.

He's admitted the parasite doesn't want me anywhere near the child. *laugh* He also admitted the sex is making it hard for him to "count me out". I said, well... I've said before and I'll say it again. If we have to take the long road to get where we need to go... we've done well having ...er.. an affair with one another...quietly until you get yourself all sorted out. I'm not worried about having to go that route again.

She'll burn him. This is a certainty. Then his heart will catch up with his head.

Thanks for the advice, everybody. Guess it's just one of those things where you have to just do what feels right. It is all too true that no one method is a one-size-fits-all. I don't exactly know why I've chosen darkness over being friends. Maybe it's because my W doesn't seem to have a whole lot of respect for me or my feelings, or maybe it's because I can't stand hearing about how her life with OM is. Maybe it's a lot of different things rolled up into one.

Sorry if I'm hijacking. This looked like a free-for-all thread.

Abbey, I'm not going to lie -- it seems pretty likely that your H will wake up with all of this crazy OW behavior going on. You just keep being you! Glad to see that you've got such a positive attitude in the face of all this. Sometimes the gloom and doom over in the Newcomers section can get a little too overwhelming, so it's nice to see some sunny rays from people like you.

Don't worry about the hijack West, lets call this thread the: Friends Mode thread.

I get what you mean about them being oblivious to our feelings. Stupid as this sounds, my H told the OW on the phone: Love you. I asked him did you just say that to her? His response: Yes. She's the mother of my daughter. I have no problems telling her that.

Oh really? *shakes* head. Stupid thing is... After I heard it, and it made me mad, there came this moment of clarity. He's frigged in the head again. He's gone selfish. Which is what I have to realize I'm dealing with. He's not just selfish with me... but selfish with her. (With her, they fight like cats and dogs). The power struggle between them is already in high gear over their child.

Considering a convo we had earlier in the day about how we did "ok" having an affair on her when we split, I said, We're going to end up having an "affair" when I move into town, aren't we? He said yes, he hugged me and the next thing... we ended up in bed.

He's already "cheating" on her again. Irony. *smile*

BTW, West, I had to go dark before the friends mode happened. Dark IS for you in a lot of cases, it helps you stand back and get your heart taped back together.

You can go dim, dark in certain areas and completely dark in others. That's what I had to do with H when we split. And it's where I'll end up when we split this time.

Again, stupid as it sounds, I KNOW we'll have to split in order to finish this mess once and for all. They'll want to play house (if it lasts that long)... and when he doesn't jump to her drum, the fireworks will start. That darkness/distance really gave me a sense of control over my own feelings and the patience to wait the thing out.

A few prayers for a quick sale on my house would be appreciated

I'm a BIG fan of Shirley Glass. Can you tell us where she advocates this "be their friend" technique? I've looked and looked, and can't find anything even close to this advice from her, and it would surprise me, since "healthy boundaries" is THE #1 thing that Dr. Glass preached.

Not only can't I find it in any of her teachings, I can't even find it in DR. It never did seem to fit the rest of Michele's teachings, and this one article always seemed to be an outlier to me.


thanks,

Starsky