Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy just floating...need direction!

Well I did it. Yesterday morning H and I were lying in bed, and I asked him....."so how is your friend "OW's" new house coming along"....it took him by surprise.....and he said....OW who". I said her name....and he said he didn't know. I said "well that is strange, because something came over the fax that showed your name and phone number as the person requesting inspections on her new house"....he said what type of inspections....I said, temporary power, underground plumbing, foundation, etc...he said are you sure it wasn't for her ex-husband (he built a house that my H designed....hence the affair that broke her and her husband up). I said no....it was a different address and I told him the street and city. He said the only thing he could think of was that maybe she used his name as the contractor (lies). Anyway, then we talked about other things but as I was getting ready for work, he came in and said so "where is the fax?" He said that his name gets on all different kinds of "lists". I played it down and said it came in late November (after the last inspection) and that I tossed it. He asked why I didn't give it to him then and I didn't really have an answer to that.

So in the strangest way.....I feel better. Now he knows that I know A) where she is building her new house and B) that I know that he has been helping her. Even if he lied and said he wasn't. He knows I know.

This has been eating me up for a two years. He helped her find the lot (but said he was helping another client's friend look for a lot). I remember way back when he had a printout of that lot on his desk. I actually believed his story then. When I finally found OW had purchased that lot, I had proof of his involvement and have been keeping it inside for 2+ years.

I came home last night and he smiled and hugged me and said "your home!". We are headed out shopping this a.m. for last minute gifts once he gets home from the gym.

My depression meds have really helped and I'm not taking everything so seriously. Good days and bad.

It felt really really good to get that off of my chest yesterday morning. Now he can figure out how to deal with the fact that I KNOW.

Merry Christmas all!

You call that confrontation???

YOu are just killing yourself with all that suspicion. Abbey, you either just decide to ignore this thing and live with it, after all it doesn't seem like it really affects much, your H is not leaving, he takes care of you and the family, he acts like a husband, you sleep together, he hugs and kisses you and does not ignore you - or you go all out and ask him bluntly. I don't think your little questions will let him know that YOU KNOW! You know what....???? Does it mean anything? Does him working on a project with her mean they have an A?

I check your sitch every now and then and its always the same thing, over and over again.

It might be even that your H is not really having an affair. he may be hiding things for other reasons. Or you might be just imagining things.

Sorry, a little blunt here but honestly I am getting frustrated with your sitch. There's no movement at all. And if there is no movement, neither will there be a resolution.

Hope the new year will give you courage and closure.

My heart breaks for you abbey... not for what your H may or may not be doing but the way you are torturing yourself.

Every time you "let him know that you know"... you are also letting him think it is okay with you. He must be thrilled right now to now that he can go right on having his cake and eating it too.

I will be praying for you to have courage and closure and well.

Abbey,

I've been following your thread for a while, because my sitch is somewhat similar (cake-eating hubby). I need to sit down and write about it, but in the meantime, I think the two responses to your 12/24 post were a little harsh. because I know where you're coming from, being there myself.

if we could choose, of course we would want our H's to be faithful. we are not "ok with" the current situation. but on the other hand, we don't want to lose the little that we have. there are people on this forum whose spouses have left them and gone to live with the OP, and they write at length trying to find a way to get the WAS back home. at least our H's haven't left home and are still involved with us and our kids.

but, how can we get them to leave the OW? when we confront them with evidence, they lie and deny. we hesitate to use LRT because that can backfire and make things worse than they are now.

so I don't have an answer for you about how to move things in the *right* direction. maybe someone on this forum can suggest something practical.

but criticizing us because there is "no movement" is counterproductive. sure we want "movement" but we don't want to "move" our H right into the arms of OW.

and I don't think that your H is getting the impression that the current situation "is okay with you" just because you haven't thrown him out. I think that what you told him on 12/24 now has him looking over his shoulder a little more. yes, he knows that you know, despite his denials, and he knows it is *not* okay with you. that's a start.

Thank you all for your posts. I appreciate your comments. Agreed, no movement and nothing has changed. I can elaborate but won't because it obviously is not that interesting.

Thanks to all of you that have supported me over the last few years. Not sure where this year will take me but I won't bore you all with the details.

Best always,

Abbey

We are not here to be entertained, so please do not worry about boring anyone with details.

I am sorry if you think my post was made out of anything but concern for you and your sitch. I just hate to you see you torturing yourself, because I know what it is like to do so.

My marriage is over, but I did learn a lot and would handle many things differently if given the opportunity.

We have a saying in Al-Anon... "take what you like and leave the rest".

Abbey, don't hesitate to write. it isn't "boring". the posts in this forum are helpful for other people in a similar situation to read and know that we are not alone; and we all benefit from reading each other's replies.