Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Newbie: Is this MLC and how do I GAL?

It has only been one day and not contacting H is killing me! I need every ounce of discipline to not send him a text. Aside from him leaving me, the hardest thing for me is seeing him engage in self-destructive behaviors, drinking excessively, calling out from work because he's drunk, hanging out with people who don't have his best interest at heart and will hurt him. It is so hard to just stand by and watch this happen like a movie. You know what's coming, but you can't stop it.

I care so much and that's what makes it so hard. Even if he is not with me, I don't want to see bad things happen to him. I have to keep reminding myself that I need to lovingly dettach. If he is going to one day come out of the fog, in all likelyhood it won't be because of anything I say or do. Who knows what will trigger it, but I hope something or someone will. I love him too much to see him self-destruct.

Day two of no contact I am contemplating reaching out tomorrow afternoon with a quick, friendly phone call. Up to this point, I have been contacting him daily (either text or quick call). My DB coach didn't say to stop completely, just to cut back. Is tomorrow a good idea or should I wait longer. I don't want him to think I am upset or avoiding him, but I also don't want to pursue. What do you think?

Maybe a quick text? Only you can really answer this, each situation will be different. Detaching will look different for each of us. I pulled back bit too far and it really made my H angry. I had to find a happy medium with calls and texts. Give it a little time and you will find it.

Same Day: I also struggle with what level of contact is appropriate with my H. So hard because I care so much for him.

Ask yourself will the text or email push him away further (is it pursuing?)

Also for the GAL stuff maybe you can find a volunteer opportunity? Many love someone who can give a few regular hours a week.

Take Care!

Thanks for the tips! So this is what happened. Talk about rollercoaster! I sent him a friendly text wishing him a good day. He responded with thanks and asking me how my day was. I responded to that, and that was it. He did not text me any more. Anyway, after work I decided to stop by his apartment to deliver some mail that had come in for him. He hugged me and kissed me on the cheek (initiated by him). I was going to just drop off the mail and leave, but he invited me in and offered me something to drink. We started talking about our week, etc. I remembered that I should not overstay my welcome and leave before he became withdrawn. When I got up to leave he gave me a really tight hug and told me he missed me. He gave me a kiss on the neck. He said he was thinking of going to the movies next weekend and asked me if I would like to go. I accepted. That was it. As I left, he called me "babe".

WTH!? I am so confused by his behavior. Don't get me wrong. I have a warm, fuzzy feeling right now. But it's such a departure from when I last saw him 5 days ago when he would avoid eye contact with me and was clearly uncomfortable in my presence. What do I make of this? Is this my detachment starting to work? He had some time to think about me without hearing from me? Rollercoaster, here we go again!

As far as GAL, I will be going to gym and dance class this weekend. I have also planned to go ice skating with a friend this month. I am contemplating taking a 3-day trip by myself (maybe a cruise), but have to work up the nerve to actually do this.

After no contact yesterday, I get a text from H this morning asking me about my day. Very weird. Now that I am pulling back, he is starting to reach out to me. I know better than to get too excited about this. I'm continuing my GAL activities. Also, I actually bit the bullet and paid for a weekend cruise which I will be going on ALONE in a few weeks. Pretty scary for me, but I am also looking forward to it and getting away for a few days.

SD, detachment is for you as much of what is practiced here is. It is not a tactic to make your H do anything. That said if you have detached, stopped pursuit, and developed a little mystery perhaps H is missing you a little. IMO it is too soon, but that is my sitch talking not yours.

What you do, detach, GAL, 180 must all be for you and very real. If they are just tactics or you are just going through the motions he’ll see that, and will likely put more in distance.

I am a believer in continuous improvement. That the path to real sustainable change is marked with small improvements, baby steps. If what you are seeing seems to be improvement, and I get that from your post then repeat what got you to this point. Read Sandi’s tag line.

Prepare for a pull back and a downhill plunge on the rollercoaster. I hope your preparations here are for naught. I suggest preparation as I and others have experienced this after a positive. Don’t permit it to rattle you. This is a marathon. We are here for the long haul.

^

Another update...yesterday H contacted me to invite me to an event at his workplace this weekend. I was stunned that he would invite me, especially since many of his colleagues are aware of his affair with his co-worker. I don't think she will be there, but I'm sure word will get around that he came with me.

To top that off, I went to the gym yesterday as he was about to leave. When he saw me, he stayed and was helping me with the machines and showing me some exercises. An hour later he left, giving me a tight hug and a peck on the lips.

I'm so confused and to be honest scared and cautious! I like the attention he is giving me, but part of me is telling me not to get my hopes up because this is probably a passing fad and I don't want to get hurt again. I'm trying my best not to appear overly enthusiastic or to match his level of interest. Any thoughts on this?

I posted yesterday, but not showing up. So here goes again... H texted me yesterday inviting me to an event at his work this weekend. This is strange to me because his affair was/is with a co-worker and it is widely known at work. Why would he invite me? Anyway, I said yes. One of the things he complained about our marriage was that I did not support him in his career and woulnd't attend work functions with him. So, this is a 180 for me, I guess.

Later that day, he showed up at the house to tell me some "news." He had good news about passing a certification test he had taken to advance in his career. I was very happy for him and told him so. He said he wanted to give me the news in person. He left to go to the gym.

In the evening, I went to the gym (not expecting to see him since it had been a couple of hours). Well, as soon as I got there he came over to me. It seemed like he had been waiting for me to show up. He spent an hour with me teaching me some exercises and how to work some of the machines. When he left he gave me a tight hug and a peck on the lips.

Here's the irony, today? No contact from his whatsoever. I honestly don't know what to think. I know he still has contact with OW and his other female friends. Why would he reach out to me? Is he testing the waters with me?

Thoughts?