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One of the best pieces of advice I got here was regarding their relationship with the kids ...

It's not your job to break it, and it's not your job to fix it (I'm paraphrasing ... sorry Grace!)

What that means is that you don't go out of your way to make it work for him, and you don't go out of your way to make it hard for him ... just be. The kids will figure it out, in time, and they will define their relationship with their dad based on his actions/inactions. Your instinct is going to be to want to protect them from the hurt ... you can't. But you can teach them how to cope and deal with lifes disappointments. Let that be your gift to them.

PEI

I may be wrong but I think that you just have to take what you can get from him. Have no expecations and be happy when he does make an effort to see the kids.

I think the fine line is keeping the availability open and maintaining boundaries so that you are also standing up for your own needs. ie. You don't want to put yourself out just because he wants to see the kids at 3 am., so you keep the healthy boundaries to available times that may work for both of you. Sometimes you have to be the bigger person for the sake of the children, but don't expect the MLCer to be.

This is normal for MLC. Some MLCs choose to have nothing to do with children and some almost fixate on them, while leaving the spouse behind.

The MLCer may just be seeing the children out of guilt, thus bringing them back after a couple of hours. They want to be there, but don't want to be. It is a very confusing time for them.

It is very frustrating and I feel for you and your children. I am fortunate right now that my MLCer wants to have a relationship with our child and just wants me out of her life. That also may change tomorrow.

Welcome to the rollercoaster. Can I punch your ticket?

Going to assume that the second setnace is how YOU feel and think...cause otherwise it sounds like your therapist contradicted herself big time.

2 points to be made from the second sentance if it is YOUR way of thinking.

1 - How much money are you spending on this therapist so you can ignore her? Cause I was thinking of buying a steak and throwing it out myself. Was curious which you think is more foolish?

2 - "He need to..."

: )

Willing to bet there are TONS of things "he needs to..."

but...what do "you need to..." ? That's a better subject, and one that won't make you want to push your head through a brick wall, cause the things you need to...(do) YOU actually have control over.

One of the first things in dealing with a MLCer, is understanding that each MLC is as unique as the person going through it.

Every MLC is different, although almost all follow a "script".

TM is correct, some run from parental obligations, some crave it....depends on the MLCer.

I have seen extreme cases where the MLCer completely cuts off contact with children. In most of those, the MLCer will proclaim that their job is done, and think of the children as being much older than they really are. That them leaving will have no affect on their children.

I have seen (lived with a ) MLCer that clung tightly to the children, although almost the same rules applied there. The children were old enough to (in her mind) fend for themselves. (When it was convenient for her to).

Grace's quote is the best (thanks PEI)...


It is not your job to facilitate the relationship...It is your job to not interfere with the relationship.



I would leave the option open for whatever contact your spouse wants.....Don't force anything more, and try to accept whatever they CAN give.

Do NOT expect anything too deep (emotionally) from your MLCer. They simply are not capable right now.

That is why it is important to not interfere. There will come a day when YOU are held accountable for your actions through this too...

From your children, and maybe worse yet....yourself

Thanks PEI- great paraphrase.

Point noted Jack- I know I need to take the focus off him and I am learning. Slowly

Here's another question: As I soul search and pray about my actions that have led me here and I realize things I have done wrong, is it beneficial to apologize to the spouse while they are in MLC? I have had friends say, yes- apologize, and others say, no- because he doesn't want anything to do with me right now. Thoughts?

Tested- I used to like roller coasters. Now- not so much!

Each sitch is different but I say apologize with your actions for now. Don't say "I'm sorry, I'll be different" ... just BE different. A word of warning - most MLCers/WASs get angry when they see your changes coming about so "quickly and easily" now. They feel like they've been trying to tell you FOREVER what they needed and get angry because now that they feel like it's too late, NOW you make the changes too little to late.

I'm not saying it IS too late, but that is the perception they will have for now. Just prepare yourself and know this is coming and let it roll off you. Make true changes for you and work at integrating them ... that's your job right now

PEI

That is my focus. I know there are things that I need to change- for me. Not for him. If he works through his issues and we are able to reconcile- Bonus! But my work will be benficial regardless of whether he sticks around to see it!

So H spent all weekend in his room sick. I debated on going up and asking if he needed anything, but decided to allow the kids to do the asking.

I on the other hand, took my son to a movie, put up Christmas lights outside (typically a job H would do),weeded the gardens, trimmed the hedges, took my daughter to church and dinner, and went to a play. I think I have a handle on GAL-I just still feel so lonely! I miss my husband! Especially this time of year when family activities abound!

I also have a whole bunch of things I need to discuss with him about the holidays, etc. Do I ask him things like, how are we going to handle Christmas presents from Santa, if he has plans with them, etc. Or do I just let things be?

I feel like his attitude has changed a bit. Although he did not say much to me, he would at least say good morning, hello, and goodbye. Now he does not say anything at all. Is this another stage? I keep waiting for him to tell me he is moving out. My guess is it will be the 1st of the year. I am trying to prepare myself for it. I just have to keep trusting God to work this situation out for my good- and His glory.

You did very well with galing this weekend. I would continue to do what you need to do for the holidays and if he inquires as to what to do about Santa, then I would discuss it w/him. I wouldn't go out of my way for him...he's a big boy and knows where you are and what you are doing to get ready for the holidays.

You will find that he will be "ill" quite a bit. It's the depression and the stressors going on w/him. Some of it may be real and some may not be. As for him saying things to you, it's all part of the course. He's returned to the teenager stage, which means moody and acting out. Just leave him be. When he discovers that you aren't reacting to his behavior, he just might talk to you.

BTW, many of them will talk about leaving and hang around until you are at wit's end and you open the door and shove them out. They tend to think out loud and unfortunately you hear a lot of what is on their minds. He may attempt to aggravate you to the point of pushing your buttons so that you'll tell him to leave. I would bite my tongue as long as I could and not say anything to him about leaving. He wants you to be the bad guy and shove him out.

One more thing....he sees you as an authority figure, for example a "mom". Don't be his mother...allow him to grow up and be the person he should grown to be many years ago.

You have a good handle on your situation...