My W told me the same thing about me changing. She said she knew I was sincere about changing, but didn't want to take a risk of me reverting back and was scared of feeling like "walking on eggshells". We have to disregard what their fears are, because their fears will become our fears and we will fail. Failure is not an option to me. I don't know what to say about the afair, because I haven't been put into that sitch (yet, and hope I never do). I do think every day about what if she moved on to another guy and have those same thoughts, it only motivates me more to GALing and self improving.
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
Well, H called tonight around 7:45 and I let it go straight to voice mail. I figure if it was important, he would leave a message. He did. It wasn't really important. But he wanted to know if he could use the D's bubble bath as soap for her body. I did not call him back. He can figure it out on his own.
OMG... Thank you for posting that Hopeful...My w just got home so I'm a little down and that gave me a well needed laugh. Seriously... Speaking as a man and a father, we are not all this clueless!
Good job ignoring the call! Remember if it's a true crisis he'll call back... And since he's a guy he'll call back like 10 times
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Talking to my H Saturday night, he looked me straight in the face and said I feel dead on the inside for you. There is nothing left. I feel broken and I don't think it can be fixed. He also said his cup is empty when it comes to me. These are his words.
Blah, blah, blah... Words, words,words... He's embarrassed b the whole hair clips thing and just trying to create a distance. It's actions you look at, not words.
As far as when you're done... When you want to be. When you don't want an r with him anymore.
Fwiw... I've wondered this too... I can see a life without my w. I still love her and think life with her would be worth all of this, and added to that I feel it it's best for our kids that we have a working M. When or if the first clause changes in my head then it will be time to quit.
With one caveat... These changes are for me and I don't intend to undo them. My w and I have kids and step kids tied up in this, so we will have some type of r forever. It's when do I decide immwilling to look for a new partner... Up until then the door is open I guess.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
His actions...well Saturday night when I went to leave his apartment, he started to give me a hug and he saw the expression on my face and asked me if I wanted a hug. I told him that I would love a hug, but I don't think he really did. He said I was just giving you want you wanted. And I just walked away without another word.
Also, we went to the mall on Friday, he was holding my hand. But then later told me it didnt mean anything to him.
Then if all of this doesnt mean anything to him, why bother?
Could be confusion, habit (if that was something he usually did) could be alot of things.
Learning to hear their words and take them at face value while noticing actions (without it spiking your expectations) takes time and distance. The whole "detachment" thing. It truly is the best thing you can do for yourself. Also, one of the hardest. The more you can focus on yourself and your D, the better.
Going dim might be helpful. Took me along time to get there.
I am feeling very depressed at the moment. I miss my H so much, my chest hurts.
He told me he stills wants a divorce and he said it with a very cold look in his eyes.
If I go dark again, look what happened last time, he is sleeping with a coworker now. How can I ever trust him again, knowing all the lies he has told me. I don't want a divorce but I feel if we got back together, he would never change. He will always be lying to me and having emotional affairs if not physical affairs. Is this really worth me going crazy? Oops! ALREADY THERE!
He told me he stills wants a divorce and he said it with a very cold look in his eyes.
Hopeful... is it really possible to tell someone this with a loving, warm, and affectionate look in one's eyes? I'm just sayin'...
Your going dark didn't cause him to sleep with a co-worker. He chose that for whatever reason he chose that.
If you were to get to the recon point you would need to go slow and outline specific goals and improvements you both need to make. Really... the rest of DR that we never get to since we're all running around the LRT hamster wheel.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
His sleeping with a co-worker is on him. Rationalizations aside.
What I'm going to say may sound harsh, so read it with a soft voice. He's told you he wants a divorce and he doesn't live in the house with you. Do you think this may be because regardless of legal action he's divorced you emotionally?
I know that sux to hear. Believe me. And truth be told, you're the one that has to answer this. It took me alot longer than I would have liked to see this for myself. Did it make a difference for me? Yes. It might also take his "unfaithfulness" off the table. In your mind, you're still married. In his, well, he isn't.
If you truly in your heart believe you would never be able to trust him again, what is it you're hopeful for?
