Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers First post, words of wisdom needed

Hello, I was just wondering if the post that I sent about 48 hours ago was received?

Thank You

^ your posts were approved

Journal: Well on a positive note being kicked to the curb so to speak is the best diet that I have ever been on. Typically I eat when I am depressed, but this whole seperation thing is a great appetite suppresant so if nothing else comes out of all of this hopefully I can get down to my goal weight which I have unsuccessfully trying to do for years now. I am also trying to quit smoking, but kicking that habit is much more challenging. Oh well, one step at a time.

I am bracing for spending the holidays alone. I am staying here to watch the dogs while my ex goes to Utah to visit family. I will be so glad when the holidays are over!!!!

It is very strange to be grieving for someone that is right in front of your face. It almost seems cruel to put yourself through this kind of torture. I have found that it really is helping to get out of the house ( I am at a coffee shop right now). I am still putting on a smile and being friendly when I see my partner at the house but I sure as heck don't feel like it.

If I didn't know better I would have thought that my partner had read DB'n (she wouldn't read a self-help book to save her life). She is much better at doing a 180 than I am. She is upbeat, friendly takes the dogs out all day on the weekends... I guess she is not really doing a 180 she is just happy to be seperated. So basically when we are around each other we are very cheerful even though we both know that there is so much underlying tension.

Well I hope everyone out there is able to find atleast a little bit of peace and happiness in their lives. Tomorrow is a new day...

"It is very strange to be grieving for someone that is right in front of your face. It almost seems cruel to put yourself through this kind of torture. I have found that it really is helping to get out of the house ( I am at a coffee shop right now). I am still putting on a smile and being friendly when I see my partner at the house but I sure as heck don't feel like it."


I couldn't agree more! As long as my W and I remained under the same roof, we were both constant reminders of our suffering. My W would cry daily even though she was the one who was walking away. I too was just downright bummed all the time!

Only after I moved out did some of the doom and gloom lift. Of course this was replaced by a whole new set of emotions. But, I do feel so much better emotionally now that we are apart. It makes GAL so much easier too.

I've just got to figure out how to find the best path home for both of us.

So my advice to you is to live your life like your Sunshine name implies. Be positive and upbeat. And most importantly, try to get out of the surroundings that bring you pain as much as possible. Spend the day at the library or book store. Go for a hike or a walk along the beach. If you don't yet have a job, go get one it will help you get your mind off your troubles which will in turn clear your mind.

All the best!

Sunshine, I hope to be on the board tonight. Don't get discouraged if your thread starts slowly. Read other stories from posters and reach out to them and let them know they aren't alone.

Talk to you later, okay?

Hi Twothepoint, thank you so much for posting and giving me some advice/support.

I have one more week of school/finals, so I plan on having a job withing the next 2 to 3 weeks. Like you said, this should help quite a bit.

I am sorry that you are going through all this as well, but I guess one-way or another we will all come out on the other side of this mess and hopefully be much better people because of our experiences.

Have a great day!

Heh, I did the exact same thing! I went from spending very little time with my W to trying to spend every minute I could with her and I think I came on too thick. She told our MC at one point that I was acting all weird. I think it's probably human nature, wanting to fix something that that is broken (or breaking).



I'm not one of the experts yet, but this seems like a pretty positive event. Hopefully you get the chance to do more of the same types of quirky fun things.

Do you have any family other than your spouse? Christmas can be a lonely time and to think about her going out of state without you, could be very difficult even if the R did not have problems. Have you ever been with her when she went to visit her family?



I think you need to like yourself first. No matter how hard you try to be upbeat around her, if you don't like yourself then that ultimately will be what brings you down. I suggest you make a list of the things you dislike in yourself. From that list, mark through the ones that are completely impossible to change (for example....if you're 5'10" then you can't change to 5'2".) Out beside each of the things you've listed that you don't like...write what you really wish were true in yourself. Be realistic. When you finish, then take each thing one by one and write beside it what you would need to do to accomplish what you wanted to be. If you seriously start working on that list to change yourself, then you will discover that that's DBing! As you'll notice, if you read other threads, about the first thing a newcomer is told, will be to start improving themselves until they become the very best "you" possible.

This is so important to your R, but most of all for yourself. You have been through a lot of emotional stress (just the loss of one's parent can take a year, or longer, to grieve). I've read that major changes in one's life (like moving to a another state) can easily add to the level of grief and depression. So, that's just two things that could be seen as a justified cause for deep sorrow or depression.

You speak very kindly about your spouse, and paint yourself as pretty much the bad guy in the R. I think you've tried hard to be upbeat around her, and try to give her more space. I am wondering, however, if you don't feel a bit panicked with her being emotionally detached from you. We see that in almost all the newcomers. Being able to get past the fear of her leaving you, may be the hardest part of your journey.

So, you need to believe in yourself and determine in your heart that you are going to make friends with the one you will never be able to leave....."you". If you'll work on the suggested list I mentioned, then you should have some ideas for goals. That is the best starting line for the marathon.

Take exceptionally good care of yourself. Eat a good diet. Get on a exercise program (if it's nothing more than walking outdoors). The exercise helps your body deal with stress. Watch only funny movies and nothing about couples. Listen to only the music that will lift your mood (not those sad country blues). You need to feed yourself physically, mentally, and inspirational. Nobody is going to do it for you.....only Sunshine.

It's hard, but not impossible. You can do it.

It's Friday night! What you doing over the weekend?

Sunshine

Welcome to a great place to be for a lousy reason. Just a few suggestions about GAl b/c your driving around and seeing a movie alone, won't cut it

by a long shot.

While living in Alaska, with LONG winters and a newborn, these are things I did to cope with the darkness and later on

when my h's MLC came along, I made similar efforts. You won't be "comfortable" at first, but you are hardly comfy now, so don't forget that.

And unlike being miserable and rejected, the GAL WILL NOT be something you regret...trust me, I pushed my boundaries a lot with this. And I was ALWAYS glad I did, once I got myself there.

Overcoming inertia will be your biggest challenge. Do it.

Here's a few things I can think of and only a few cost much.

Volunteered at a woman's shelter

and then got on the Bd of Directors (resume value)

Took flying lessons/got a pilot's license'

auditioned for community theater and soon got cast

Did stand up comedy (I now write comedy as a second source of income, (well yes, I'm damn funny)

took a pottery class (true desparation on my end, but fun)

worked out A LOT and got in great shape

tanning booth, you'd never know I lived in Alaska

saw a therapist and took meds in the winter

learned to seriously fish

learned how to truly shoot - we had bears and wolves nearby, literally. Felt empowering, actually.

Took archery lessons

learned to cross country ski, and snowmachine

joined the Wives Club (far exceeded expectations)

went to church

Took a class in poetry and then joined a writer's group

(which lead to script writing and then a playwright festival)

played softball, then coached a girl's team

volunteered for children's GATE classes and field trips

taught kids to read

volunteered for Boy's Wrestling Teams Fund raisers (son was on team, but still, who knew I could do that?)


Thing is, you MUST MEET NEW PEOPLE....you will note that most of these activities involved others.

that is KEY...

and will help your esteem go up, your loneliness go down and you will also be networking. And since you need a job....

Since you are already in school, what are your classmates like?

Anyone interesting for friendship? Friends also help how we appear to our spouses and make us less needy

Have you told your partner how you feel about the way you changed and how you are glad for the wake up call, no matter how things go, b/c you prefer being happy to being not so fun?

I ask only to see if she knows that you "get it" as far as what you are working on.

But not to suggest that you ask her for feedback b/c then your changes will appear to be tactics,

rather than changes you are really making b/c you want to make them and they are sincere and permanent.

Make sense?

Do NOT initiate R talk or ask if she thinks that you are all better and improved now...

simply BE your best self, but if she brings things up from the past, you can say

"well Partner, If I had it to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."

this "owns" that you see the need for changes and it does not escalate or argue but also does not make you a doormat.

If she OVER revises things, and she may, then say "Wow, I sure don't recall it that way but I'm sorry if you were hurt."

That also does not escalate or make you a doormat OR argue with her.

I found those to be the most simple and helpful for me when my h revised things so much I sometimes thought he was talking about another couple. I mean it...and there are at least some things he said, which were outrageous at the time

that he does not remember. I believe him. So that happens too. Don't buy ALL the stuff she blames you for.

Good luck, it's not hopeless. How is your r with her family? And hers?

Please consider Sandi's advice about the holidays. That's a LONG time to be alone at a lousy time of year, no matter what religion you are.


Check out Valeska's thread or Inshock's b/c they are in similar situations as yours. Both women have made such journeys!!

You will survive this.

((( )))

Wow, thank you guys all so much for the support.

Samuel, I hope that you are hanging in there and finding bits of happiness along the journey. Hopefully, we will both come out stronger, happier people once all this has run its’ course.

Sandi and 25years, I can’t thank you enough for your words of wisdom!! After reading both of your posts I am beginning to understand what DB’n really is. It is making true changes in yourself and learning to love yourself. I guess I knew that before, but I had absolutely no idea where to even start. You both have given me some really great suggestions. Now it is up to me to begin to slowly implement them.

Sandi, to answer your question about my family, they all live out of state. I am just looking at Christmas as another day and hopefully I kind find an activity to do to keep me occupied.

My biggest challenge will definitely be going out and getting a life. I am going to look into volunteer opportunites this weekend.

Thank you guys again. My two goals right now are 1) write down things I do not like about myself/ what can I do to begin to change them. 2) Get involved in at least 1 activity.

I hope you all have a great weekend! I will keep posting on this forum and continue to read others posts.