Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives What else could I have done?

You do have a choice which emotions and thoughts you will entertain in your mind. And we do have the power to deal with the here and now, regardless of the past.

We just have to exercise that power.

Real life is in the present.

These losses, heartbreaks, setbacks, and disappointments can make us different people...better, more unique, more compassionate people.

But we have to take positive actions to make that happen.

It's bad stuff Rick. But it's real. And I'm sorry. If you are angry, it's OK. Use that energy to help you move forward. It's normal to feel the other negative emotions too, if you do. Use the energy that you have, regardless of it's source, to help you move forward. Be less concerned about the high road and be more concerned with your well being, first and foremost...because she's not. I know you'll do your best...just realize that in a situation like this, you've got to take care of Rick above everything else. And not in a selfish way either, but in a truly self-loving way. You determine and define your own self-worth...it's impervious to any external event or any behavior by, or interaction with, other people. It's the most empowering thing that will ever happen to you. A lot of things are gonna happen that you have no control over whatsoever...the only control you have is over yourself, and your actions and reactions. Be good to Rick, first and foremost.

Sorry you're having some downer moments there Antlers.

If I can put something out there, my XW, she's still trying to parade yet another committed relationship in front of me. It doesn't help I have to work with her part time, and...drum roll please...she was just made my immediate boss, Wha' the?!! (My apologies, had to vent. Don't mean to hijack.)

Ah, I'm good though. Seen a lot of nuttiness already. Worked through stuff. I will admit though, I've never heard of this type of thing before. (If anything, this has gotta be good for a good laugh! )

'the emotional divorce is harder than the physical divorce."

For me, I felt I was almost starting over with this stuff again after my D in '07. Came back to the board here and started lurking again. Refreshing to find out I was in the same boat as the others,

Coyote Boy

Hi coyote.
I've really been working hard at, and have made a firm commitment to, letting go.
One important thing that I'm learning is to stop being the victim. Being a victim is common in heartbreak.
But being a victim renders you powerless and that is the last thing you want while healing your heartbreak.
I have to remember that I have control over my life unless I give it away.
I may not have control over this particular situation, but I do have control over how I react to it.
Victims have no control whatsoever.
I have to affirm that I do have control over my life whenever I feel like a victim of heartbreak.
It's a conscious decision I have to make.

You say that you're "good". Congratulations. I'm glad for ya'.

Hey Antlers,

droppin' by again. Something that caught my attention because it describes me after my D, and occasionally still when I'm not paying attention. I've noticed some similarities in our sitch. Hope you don't mind if I relay a bit of mine,

"I've really been working hard at, and have made a firm commitment to, letting go."

You know, when I really let go was when I was just tired of all the crap. There was no work involved. XW did all the work. Others had moved on to the Piecing board but I was still stuck in the mud. Sure, I goofed up here and there but in the end I had done the best I could and have no regrets. XW just kept on trying to 'find herself.' (Certainly, the odd thing still comes up that ticks me off momentarily. If it does, maybe I'll be back to follow my own advice to the Newcomers and vent here.)

In '09, the D was done for 2 years already. I was tired and just said, 'you go do whatever.' Almost on que another lady came along who was great! Ya, we had to split. She was a firecracker, she'll probably be back...lol! (I don't regret the time we had.)

Ya, XW still has a way of getting back under my skin a bit, and I say 'a bit.' To this day she still wants to be a good friend while in yet another committed relation but still in that MLC thing of you never do anything right, huh? Most MLCers eventually move on, she still has some work to do. Whatever, I have other things to concern myself. (Doesn't help XW was just made my immediate supervisor in our part time job, see my above post. New curve ball...)

I came to realize a while back, and even revisit occasionally, I'm tired of the same ol' junk. 'The good people I call friends are a soft place for me to land on. They treat me with dignity and respect. You, XW, have not been there for a long while, sorry.' Didn't actually say this to XW, maybe I finally should? Na, what would I get from that now? Save the energy. I came to internalize it well though.

Yup, the post D brings some garbage back. Just have to head over to FLTC's post for a reminder on that (Ooo, and I thought mine was nutty!)

We do the best we can. Plug along. If that's not enough, ok, we try to be smarter. But if even that doesn't whet the whistle, whatever...I gave it my best and I have no regrets. I have no troubles waking up in the morning and looking at myself in the mirror. My life is pretty good now. Has been for a while. The only thing I have troubles with now is actually imagining myself back with XW. Hope this helps keep the chin up.

Hi Coyote. I've been having lots of painful thoughts recently. Maybe they're 'growing pains'.
She texted this to me last month..."You had your chance for over 17 years and you blew it."
And Friday night I got a very long and ugly communication from my youngest daughter, who lives with her mother, describing in detail just how bad I was to all of them and especially to her mom. She went with her mom over this past weekend to see the new "soulmate" of her moms. I felt like her mom was doing most of the talking in the text.
I'm at peace with God regarding the past. But my former spouse still hates me. My daughter mentioned in the text that they will all "remember the stuff you did to us till the day we die".

Hey again there Antlers,

sorry about this stuff coming back. Usually does after a D. I've heard normally up to 2 - 5 years to really be over it. From what I've come across, seems to be about right.

I know for me, a year after my D (which was in '07) XW was parading her old boyfriend in front of me. That set me back. I had to go in for some counselling. The 'hampster' was running around in my head again. Ended up talking to an experienced Chaplin on this. He was good. He'd seen a lot of broken marriages in Afghanistan. (The old boyfriend, from long before, who was the OM in the sitch didn't last though. He dumped her... )

In short, the Chaplin said there's no magical cure when a S gets like this, nothing you can do. They have sorting out to do. You just have to do the best you can sorting yourself out. Fix any failings with yourself out. Don't try to force yourself in a better direction, 'Point' yourself in a better direction. If you force it you will get discouraged. He also said it's normal for this junk to come back and linger after a D. He'd seen it happen many times. (He actually coined up the 'hampster running around in the head' phrase. Made perfect sense once I though of it that way.)

I really liked the part about 'pointing' yourself in a different direction from XW. Not trying to force it, which is what I was doing (...and getting discouraged.) I also liked the part about this stuff coming back is normal. Slowed the hampster down to a walk. The hampster was not happy!

By this time I was hearing from a lot of well meaning people to, 'just get over it.' This made me worse, actually. Made me feel like there was something wrong with me. It was refreshing to hear, 'Seen this lots. Na, nothing wrong with you. This is normal after a D.'

Your D is still relatively fresh. Accept that the hampster is there in your head, running around, havin' a good time. Accept that this is part of the normal process of grieving. Grieving for everything that was lost. Accept that it's going to take time to work through this process. Accept that there's nothing wrong with you because it seems to be a taking a little longer than you anticipated. Give yourself permission that it's ok to feel like this.

I suspect, once you start pointing yourself in a different direction instead of trying to force or 'will' yourself, the hampster's not going to be happy.

'My daughter mentioned in the text that they will all "remember the stuff you did to us till the day we die".'

This is no fun, I really feel for you here. I know someone with an 18 year marriage get bombed just before mine did. They had 4 kids. Throughout this, his WAW was constantly feeding them poison about him. The older ones didn't go for it so much, but the young ones were much more impressionable. After time though, he wore it down.

He kept the same with them. Despite the fact that the youngest ones were angry at him and believed it was all his fault (as they were told.) He kept telling them he loved them and that this is not their fault. Treated them with respect. Picked them up when they were down. Revelled in their successes even though they didn't appreciate it at the time. Over time, as they grew older they were able to see differently. What they saw was that his XW was bitchy, unreasonable and had started in on 'them' as well. Yet, over here is dad who has always been behind us and has been loving and caring. Once they were old enough they eventually excercised their right to go live with their dad instead, for good.

My daughter and I have been getting along well for over a year and a half (she admitted recently that for the first 18 months after her mom left, her mom and older sister "brainwashed " and poisoned her and my son against me). She's been running with a rough crowd and her mom leaves her alone for entire weekends at a time while she goes out of state to see her new 'soulmate'. My daughter just turned 15. She recently got arrested for shoplifting, and I had to pick her up from school recently because she got sick after taking a bunch of Coricidin Cough and Cold. I sent a letter to her mom with my concerns about our daughter...which she showed our daughter...and now our daughter is mad at me. She sent me the hateful text last week, but I could tell that much of it was coming from her mom and older sister. My son chooses to live with me. This is the text...

"Dude. What is your problem? Like, for real. Get your family to leave me, my mom, and sister alone. Were all sick of the [censored] we get from yall. Were about ready to change our numbers. Its harrassment. Also, I cant believe you. Putting brother in counsling? No. That is way to far. He doesnt need that. The only way he would EVER need to go is because of YOU. YOU never shut up. YOU drove mom out. She doesnt like you anymore. Stop your [censored] and move on. You dont even understand how annoying it is. Shes happy now, and if you still "Loved" her like you said you do, then youd be glad she found someone whos not an ass to her. Stop talking about mom to me and espically brother. She didnt cheat on you. You made her so unhappy she didnt even WANT to have a social life. Because of YOU. YOU made her life hell for 17 years, and you refuse to take the blame for it. You make up these stories to make yourself feel better about what you have done to her. What do you and "Mimi" think yall are accomplishing by doing this? The only thing yall are doing is pissing us off and making them hate you even more. Stop it!?
Seriously!!! And if this is how your gonna act, stop talking to me. Youve gotten weird. I dont like it. And I dont like the fact caleb has to live with you acting like it. He doesnt need counsling. For you, I cant say the same. Your not my dad anymore. Your a liar and obsessive. You do things to make yourself feel better, not thinking about the consiquences. Dont tell me and brother about how bad mom was to you. We saw the [censored] you did to her. We heard it. And we felt and heard what you did to us. Stop pretending it never happened because it did and that will never change. Me and caleb and mom and kelli will remember that stuff till the day we die. You block it out and live in denial about it. I dont understand how you do that!? It hurt us all. You [censored] up our family. IF you wanna call it that. None of us were happy, mom hated life, i hated everyone and everything, brother was a truant AND HAS GOTTEN WORSE SINCE LIVING WITH YOU, sister got out of the house as soon as she could. Has it ever occured to you that this was all your fault? You were a controlling, abusive bastard and none of us ever wanted to be around you. And your still a liar. You told me I could trust you and thats bullshit. Ive seen what you sent to mom. 
1. I dont fuckin roam around town whenever moms asleep. I did that once and it was in the summer. I was with Preslee and Sophie. 
2. The fact that you think ive done drugs on really insulting. Why would you even think that? Im your fuckin daughter and you said that without asking. 
3. IS THERE A PROBLEM WITH THE PEOPLE I HANG OUT WITH??? IVE NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS. ITS NOT MY FAULT SOME OF MY FRIENDS MADE BAD DECISIONS. DONT YOU EVER [censored] MENTION ANYTHING LIKE THAT TO ANYONE AGAIN. THEYRE MY FRIENDS AND TALKING [censored] ABOUT THEM IS LIKE STABBING ME. 
4. Friend didn't have a warrent out for her arrest whenever we were dropped off. If it was such a big deal, you should have said something to me. Not thinking you know whats going on. 
Take my brother out of counsling. I dont care if you say stuff about me thats not true like youve been doing. I dont care if you do anything. DONT DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT TO MY BABY BROTHER. I LOVE HIM MORE THAN ANYTHING. I WOULD DIE FOR HIM IN A HEARTBEAT. HE DOESNT DESERVE THAT. I cant believe you would do something like that. I am so mad at you I cant hardly stand it. Youve put my baby brother through more than he should have ever been through. I will never forgive you for doing this to him. Ever. 
And stop blaming my actions on my mom. I am the way I am because of ME. NOONE influences me. Ive chosen to do everything. Im the only person that influences myself and what I do and how I do it  Nothing mom has done has driven me to be this way and if I ever hear you say that again, there will be consiquences.  My mom is an amazing mother. I make all these decisions. I chose to lie if I do, and I chose to walk around town. She lets me know EVERYTHING. Im updated by the hour. She lets me know everything 24/7. You dont know what kind of mother she is cause your so busy making up stories you ignore the truth. Stop blaming others for your own actions. You are a 50 year old man. I would think you were more mature than that, but obviously I was wrong. By the way, even though you refuse to believe it, cousin tried to get me drunk. She got me and my best friend to get her Zanex and Loritabs. And last off, she hit me. Shes lied about everything. 
And the more i think about it, the more I see why you believe her over me. Shes just like you. You both kiss each others ass and its sad. Like I said; your not my father anymore. He wouldnt do this kind of stuff to me and his other children. From now on, your name

to me. A liar and a backstabber."

Sorry about this antlers. She is 15 and that is pretty much how they behave. They are self centered and only care about their social life. She will come out of this in a couple of years. My D turns 15 next Friday and I am scared chitless. Hang in there

Thanks Rick.
She had to go to court yesterday for her shoplifting charge. Her mom and her had no idea that I'd be there. I was. Her mom saw me as soon as I walked in. They both ignored me as if I was invisible, but I stayed right there and went into the prosecutors office with them...and then went into the community service office with them...stood within 18 inches of em' both in both offices.
I'm glad I went.