Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy DBing against OW...?????

I am finally switching to this forum in hopes of getting advice on how to handle OW and DBing at the same time..
I have threads going on Newcomers under Alcoholic H but am realizing that my main difficulty is the fact that H has OW and I just dont have any experience with this kind of situation and dont know when I am handling it the right way or just epically screwing it up...

I know that everyone on this board is having a difficult time with the holidays comeing up, I am a little shocked at how hard of a time I am having with it. It feels like I have done a huge back slide and am feeling sad and frustrated and dwelling on the fact that he must be spending all this time with her . How do you handle that...when they choose OW over family especially for a holiday or just life in general.

HOw do you stop yourself from all the wondering what they are doing and images in your head???? I had been doing so well and suddenly it feels like im right back were I was feeling abandonded and left behind while he goes off to enjoy his happy little life and Im here to deal with our S14s pain and mine as well.

The selfishness they display is beyond reasoning.....

I dont know how to attach my older threads but would love some feedback from people dealing with the OW sitch...Im really haveing a hard time...

About the selfishness: Example, my H wants me to pack my feelings in a bag, accept him telling the OW that he loves her, with me in ear shot. He expects me to just suck up everything he does, where-ever HIS emotions pull or push him.

I asked a simple question about juggling the OW using the child to pull him around and jump at any given time. The question dealt with him finding it hard to juggle her lack of respect for HIS time, and how he plans to juggle that with business.

He then gets all pissy and got his feelings all hurt. (he's projecting her snarky, verbally abusive comments, on to me. We dealt with this before - took a lot of patience and gentle hand holding to break him of it.) ... Sooooo.... I had to take his hands and look him straight in the face and calmly say: Hey, that's not what I said, nor what I meant. Juggling is going to be hard on you, is ALL I meant. You initiated the comment about her expecting you to be available at her whim. I simply asked the obvious question.

They are abducted by aliens. Best thing you can do is accept that. My mantra was and is: They are F'ed in the head. I repeat it over and over.

Oh my lord. I know we debate on here frequently about some of the "stronger stances," but I hope that THIS, at least, is something that we can ALL agree needs some serious boundary-setting, and pronto.

This is simply direspectful, HURTFUL, and NOT good for your own emotional health.


Starsky

I know. To be honest, he's so far up his own butt, that it wouldn't matter what I say. Seriously.

I don't know what the future holds, and I've chosen to just walk to the other end of the house so I don't hear them. He did leave the house yesterday to call her. That's fine with me.

I want this woman to think she's won. She'll revert to exactly her true colors and that's what needs to happen. These two need to hate each other for both families involved to get final and forever peace.

BTW, I wouldn't recommend what I'm doing unless you're seriously medicated. *smile* This is so incredibly difficult to do. Thus why I said I wouldn't be insulted if he bought me out.

I'd be the first one to suggest that one set that boundary as well, BUT ... because of what I'm dealing with. It's not a battle I NEED to win at the moment. I'll hang out for the longevity of the war... or I'll just finally just drop the rope and walk away with my wad of cash for the house.

ITM, as Starsky says, this is one of those questions that very often comes out on this board... How does one compete with or get rid of the OP...?

I completely agree with Starsky and others on one specific principal at least... A M cannot be "fixed" until the OP is out of the picture...

I have a bit of a soft shoe feeling about it, though...

What I mean is, I would NOT want to be with someone who didn't FREELY choose to be with me... At the very least, and on the surface...

IF I was single and my GF took to "cheating" on me... IOW, was intimate with another man... I would get out of the R. If I liked someone and they were intimately with someone else, I WOULD NOT pursue...

I would simply continue to be me, continue to grow in myself... my life... and when someone chose to be with me and was emotionally available to do so, then I would participate in an intimate R with them...

Those are BOUNDARIES based on my moral leanings...

IF I decided to manipulate a woman in an R to get rid of the OP to be with me... I would be attempting to control another person and I do not do that... in my mind, love is not a trophy to win... it is a feeling to have in oneself and to share with someone, willingly...

It doesn't matter what contracts we sign, what vows we speak, what social mores exist... if someone will not choose US... there is very little we can do about it...

Now... that is my personal moral and opinion... that does not mean I disagree with other opinions or how others might conduct themselves in regards to an OP...

Do you want someone to love you because of something you do? Something you have? Something you say?

Or do you want someone to love you because of who you are and that they simply choose to be with you?

Whatever your answer, and no answer is black and white...

Be the person you want to be... either your H will choose to be with you, or someone else is likely to... and conduct yourself around your H in what ever way is emotionally safe for you, using boundaries that you would have with any other human on this earth, based on your own personal code of honour...

It's written somewhere in the book...and I'm paraphrasing: become the person, that only an idiot wouldn't want to be with.

OK, I'll bite, and I'll get straight to the point:


Why would your husband want to be with a wife that would allow him to say "I love you" to the woman with whom he is having an affair, in that wife's presence?

If you two were single, and just met, would this behavior be attractive to him, or repulsive?

I'm not trying to be mean, Abbey -- just challenging your assumptions and trying to make you think. There is a cavalierness and a flippancy to your attitude toward your marriage and how precarious it is right now, and to your husband's infidelity, that I find disturbing and a bit odd. A defense mechanism of yours, perhaps? (which is UNDERSTANDABLE).


Starsky

I certainly dont want to compete with her (OW) ..and i know that i cant get rid of her, that has to be his choice..and im afraid she isnt going anywere soon...

Im having a hard time just excepting it...i need to stop obsessing on what they are doing and how seriouse are they, what does she look like and how long has this been going on..i know nothing..since the day i caught them together (in our bed) i have not brought it up and it has not been discussed...
I know i need to let it go, its so hard...the imagination is an evil thing...

Your situation sounds really tough especially if your H is an alcoholic. I can't imagine trying to deal with him rationally.

I would recommend the book Torn Asunder. It talks about anger and gives you permission to get angry...especially right after you discover the A. (and what's the risk of getting angry? Your H is already having an affair...what is the worst thing that can happen? The anger could actually help if they were at the point of being ready to end it or feel bad)

I do think you need to focus on getting your life back...spend time with your kids, exercise, talk to a friend or family, etc. That'll help you not obsess. I obsess too...I think it is VERY normal at this stage. My IC also said it is fine to be competitive with the OW if you think your H is open to considering coming back (not sure if yours is there though so the Last Resort Technique is probably where you are).

But, in the end, I feel sorry for both you and the OW. These men aren't treating anyone well and neither of you should be with someone like him...especially if he is an alcoholic. He isn't ready for a healthy relationship with anyone so I doubt she is worth your time to even think about. (Think about how high quality of a woman dates a married man let alone one with your husband's issues?)

I'm not saying you should give up on your marriage...but I think if you focus on yourself, you may get to the point where you can detach more from what he is doing.