Woke up today feeling awful. Forced myself out of bed and out of the house. When I came back, h was looking really down. Later on he asked me "How long will you punish me? You're pushing me away".
I didn't realize that GAL was punishing him. But I could see a lot of sadness in his eyes, and the fear. He told me that he thinks I'm slowly building up to leaving him. Then he started to cry and he was shaking, and said "I really screwed up. I have made the worst mistake of my life and I just want things to go back to the way they were".
He's feeling shook up, watching the changes I have made. And they are not huge changes. All I have done is get out more with friends and work on getting through school.
Maybe part of me is punishing him? I have no desire to make him hurt, but subconsciously I could be doing just that.
Things are so screwed up right now. Maybe I am pushing him away sometimes, for fear of being hurt again.
I just know I'm changing inside.
We had a good talk and I told him I wasn't punishing him, and that I wasn't trying to hurt him. I tried to make him understand that because of his choices he made, those choices has changed me. And when I said that, he started crying. And then he said, "But I don't want you to change".
