Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Finally confronted H on affair...Now what????

Bad morning...

I finally got an email from H at 8:30 am saying that he has had problems getting his new phone going and that he doesn't want to be w/o phone today.
Then he asked if he could pick up kids within the hour or sooner.

No mention of what he wants to do for the weekend...
WTH??? It's Thanksgiving day and I would like to finalize MY plans as well. I thought he was so inconsiderate and selfish.

So I called and he picked up. I admit - I was short. I asked him what he had decided to do for the weekend - I had sent him an email about that yesterday and never heard back either way.

He gets upset... He says he wanted to talk about it, and I didn't call him back and that he doesn't check his email that often (he checks it instantly on his phone all the time). I tell him I think it's inconsiderate of him not to finalize plans with me until the last minute - I have a right to have a life as well and we have had issues about this before.
Then I say, you know what, let's move on. It's Thanksgiving.

He continues going on about how I started the argument, etc.. I once again ask him "H, it's Thanksgiving, can we please move on?" He keeps going. I ask a third time - H, do you want to move on? He says "yes, but you start an argument and then disregard the other person when they give a POV to which you have no defense."

So we did it again - the eternal argument of who is right and who is wrong...
I tried once again "H, you said you wanted to move on, so can we?"
H: "Yes, if you acknowledge that you started this."
Me: "OK, I started it. Can we now please move on?"

MY PROBLEM HERE: I was NOT listening or validating. I got suck into the blaming game, and I DID start it with my short tone when I asked why he didn't get back to me.
I should have approached it something like: "It hurts my feelings when you don't work with me in finalizing kids' schedules."

So I asked what he had decided - he wanted to spend Thu and Fri with the kids and have the baby to spend the night with him and OW and he would bring the girls to sleep at my place.

I said "OK, at what time are you picking / dropping them of"
Once we finalized those details he said "I want to pick them up ASAP (OW was waiting for him at home and he wanted to play family with her before heading up to MIL's house...)

I said I still had to give them baths and get them ready and he was welcome to come help and they would be ready faster.
He said "I don't want to spend much time there and it has nothing to do with the kids."

OUCH... Who says that on Thanksgiving? I didn't know what to say, it hurt so much. I finally said "I know that, you have made it clear."

We finally go to off the phone. When he arrived, he barely said hi (from the other room) and when I started giving him the details (when was baby's last bottle, diaper change, etc.) he started playing with daughter, ignoring me and walked out of the room playing with her.

I told him that he was so rude and inconsiderate to walk away while I was trying to give him info he would need for the day. I was so hurt and mad about how he has been treating me for the last two days.

He started saying something and I said "I will walk away from you just like you did to me so you can see how much it hurts. It's just so rude."
And I went to the other room. He loaded the kids and left w/o saying goodbye to me.

It's so aweful. Another backslide... I am just not strong enough to do this, to stay aloof with all that is going on. I thought I was strong, but I am not. I don't know how to stay cool with all this. My counseling, reading, exercises, it all goes out the window.

I blow it, then repent and ask him to forgive me.
I sent him a text saying "I am sorry I was unkind when I got hurt. Happy Thanskgiving."

No answer... He will drop off girls in two hours from now. And will take the baby with him to play family with OW - another slap in the face tonight. And tomorrow, same story.
Picking them up to be with OW.

Ugh. Everyday there is a reminder of how she is replacing me - in EVERY aspect of his life. I just cannot recover from this constant pain. I feel like crap.

Bad Morning, Good Evening!

H called to let me know he was on his way. I thanked him for the heads up.
When he arrived the kids were already asleep. He put the girls in their bed and went to get the baby out of his car.

He came back and said he had been thinking all day and he didn't want me to be uncomfortable and maybe it was better if the baby also spent the night with me. I was shocked but pleased. He was calm and gentle when speaking - I saw a glimpse of my old H...

I thanked him. Instead of leaving immediately, he stayed a bit and told me about the evening at my MIL... His siblings were there with their families (no OW - I have no idea where she spent the day...)

H told me that D2 had a very rough day and he was surprised by her antics and acting out (hmmm....Every time I have told him how much she is struggling, he has told me that he doesn't believe so because she never acts out with him). He described her actions - exactly what she does at home. He said at some point he felt desperate and didn't know how to calm her.

I listened, validated and even said - I know exactly how you felt. I sometimes feel so helpless. I am glad to see that it wasn't just me being a bad mom." It was a nice moment. We were co-parenting and sharing our concerns for our children. That is the H and father I know...

I told him I have been discussing this issue with my therapist and that she recommended that we took some co-parenting classes or therapy. H said yes! And right away! I am soooo thrilled!!! So I will immediately look for something and set it up.

This whole separation has been very hard on me. But I am an adult and will process it and survive it. Yet our kids -they are innocent victims, and sooo young. And one of the hardest things for me has been to see how detached my H has been with them. He really has abandoned them emotionally. So to finally see some concern and caring from him tonight was a huge victory in my book. Regardless of what happens with us, I want my children to have a father. And I know my H can be a great one - cause he used to be a great dad!

Anyways, then H proceeded to tell me about the family - his siblings and spouses. There are some sad issues within the family - one of his sisters and his brother are also having very serious M issues. So H was telling me about everyone's behavior tonight. The thing is - I didn't even ask once! But I know why he did it. This has been my family as well for 19 years. OW has not met any of them, and no matter how much H has told her, she has no clue who they are or their history... I have that with H, so he wanted to share that with me, because she simply would not get it...

I again listened, listened, validated and validated.

He finally said he had to go. Gave me a warm hug and wished me a Happy Thanksgiving. I warmly said Thank you.

Making amends with my H tonight and having my kids with me now is the best gift for me this Thanksgiving. And I know God made it happen. Yesterday, when all this back and forth re. visitation and OW was going on, I asked God to take this from me. I simply didn't know how to handle and that I was putting it in his hands. God listened and he made my H have a moment of lucidity in such a special day. And for that, I am grateful.

Yes, but she can't replace you in any aspect of YOUR life. You are still living your life as your H's wife. You are not that right now. Maybe someday you will be again, but right now you are not.

The OW only has power to hurt you as long you let her. She got a man who walked away from three children because life got rough. Hey... great catch! Good luck with that!

You want your H back... but he's not really home right now. Maybe later he will be, but right now he's WAH-guy who is very different than your H.

Go make your own life. Show him you a) don't need him and b) don't really care. Remember that the opposite of love is NOT hate... it is apathy. Hate means you care enough to be angry. Apathy means you don't care enough to care.

Workinghardguy - Thanks for the 2x4...
You touched on something very important that I have not really been focusing on - I am still living my life as my H's wife... You are soo right and I need to change that.

Maybe not externally, because I have a lot of GAL activities - both with kids and on my own, but INTERNALLY, in my brain, I still am looking at myself as his wife. And that is why I am so vulnerable to all the triggers...

I also think most of the time when I post, is to vent because I don't have that many outlets to do so. I try to be strong and upbeat outwardly with everyone - kids, H, my parents (who are now old and frail and quite distraught by all of this), H's family, friends. When I come here, I can vent and I can show my hurt. But I can see that most of my posts are about my feelings.

So here are some things that are working for me:

This morning I did better. H called to say he was stuck at work and would be late picking them up - he sounded stressed. I was very understanding and said no problem. (In the past, when I would call from work to say I'd be home late, H was not very understanding - now the tables have turned, and I want him to see that I have been there and know what he is going thru.) So I validated and told him I could wait and that my plans for the morning were flexible.

In addition, H knows that tardiness is a pet peeve of mine. And H is late 95% of the time... In the past, I had really lost patience with him re. this. So today, I also did a 180, by being understanding about his tardiness...

When he arrived, he saw me and the girls playing hopscotch in the patio. I always make sure that he finds us having fun and being busy at home. I used to work so much, but now that I spend a lot of quality time with my kids, I am loving it! D4 didn't even want to leave with him today.

Two triggers that I ignored - D4 said at some point that she wanted to play with the present that OW gave her. And when they were leaving, she also said she wanted to go do turkey cookies at daddy's with OW. When she mentioned OW by name, my H rolled his eyes - like he didn't want her to say her name in front of me? Who knows. I didn't react or say anything.

A 4 year old doesn't understand, so she always says what she thinks and I would never encourage her to withhold info or her feelings. So I do not make a big deal when they bring up something related to OW, but these comments do hurt. I would not be human if they didn't... Yet I realize that for the kids benefit, I cannot react, so I don't. Now I just need to condition my brain to follow my actions...

H tried to pick a fight again and I totally diffused it. I asked him to tell me what was really bothering him, instead of accusing me and lashing out. I listened, validated and told him I was not intending to hurt him - he actually thought I was blaming him for something. I told him we both usually play the blaming game, but I wasn't and I am now trying to stop that dynamic. I gave him a hug and he squeezed me and thanked me for diffusing the situation. Another 180 for me...

I then told H that I was running late with my plans. Didn't say what they were, but I was wearing a sexy workout outfit to go for a run.

I had also asked him to bring the drill bits. I have been doing projects around the house on my own (we have always been very handy and love to do home improvement projects together.) Today I plan to hang up some panels to hide my washer / dryer units in the kitchen. I do projects alone and don't ask for his help, which is also a change.

I also always have the kids ready to go and looking cute and nice and on time when he comes pick them up. I also make sure I look great and I always have the house clean and organized. He is a neat freak and I have never really been that obsessed with it, although I am not a slob either. But I now make sure things are always nice at home. In all honesty - this is sometimes a challenge with three kids under 5, but I do it. My girlfriend always says that you can never tell there are three kids living in my house except for their cute bedrooms. I am a great multi-tasker I Don't know if he notices or not, but I like being in control and knowing that I can cope on my own with the kids.

Tomorrow I will be taking the girls to a gabba gabba show - we always watched that tv show together before bedtime and always danced and sing. When H left, at first he would still do so with us, now it's rare...But I still do it with the kids every night and if he is around, he can see us laughing, dancing, singing and having a good time. Anyways, I had bought the tixs a few months ago and H initially said he would go with us. He cancelled on me a few days ago once he knew OW would be here. Even though I was disappointed, I thought - his loss! I didn't react in front of him, just said casually, "thanks for the heads up - that way I can invite someone else."

So I keep going...

The worst is over...

H dropped off kids this evening. No fireworks, which is good. I am mentally preparing myself to hear a few comments in the next few days from D4 about their day with OW today. When it happens, I just need to let it roll off my back...

When H was leaving D4 asked what we were doing tomorrow. I told them about the gabba gabba show and both D4 and D2 went crazy with excitement and started jumping up and down and cheering. H was watching and commented how excited they were. And he will miss it - oh well.

I am very excited. We will have a blast. Afterwards, we're going to my cousin's house and will spend the night there. It will be nice to hang out with family and feel loved and pampered.

Kg- I want to comment but your thread is already past the 100 post mark. Will you start a new thread?

Sorry - I just started a new one. It's called "2nd Thread, After Almost 1 Year, I Keep Going"

Here is the link to the new thread...
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...287#Post2201287