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Yesterday was a busy day as I had to work on the kids' Halloween costumes and get all of my work done by noon. Coincidentally, H called around the time I was done to work to inquire about the day's plans. Asked if I had everything together and if he needed to pick up anything on his way home. Before we had the last fallout, we went shopping for my Halloween costume together. Needless to say, the costume is a bit 'out there,' but that's kind of my personality. Not too risque, but I'm sure more conservative moms might raise an eyebrow or two. When I tried it on the first time he enthusiastically approved.

I got the kids ready at my mother's house and then came home to get myself ready. Every year, I take the kids trick or treating and H stays home to hand out candy. We even talked about this a few weeks ago and that was the implied plan. When I was almost completely ready he asked if I was taking the kids by myself again. Then he asked if I wanted him to come along. I told him that it was up to him.

After I was completely ready he asked if he could take a picture of me. For the first time in years, I actually smiled for a picture. Although I'm pretty much allergic to cameras, it seemed to come naturally.

Earlier in the day I heard back from two counselors that specialize in relationships, SBT and sex therapy. One in particular stood out. Although I was really looking for someone for H to see on his own, the therapist believes that it is a good idea for us to come together intially.

The rest of the night went extremely well. I hadn't planned on him asking to come along, but it turned out to be really good for us. After the kids got oodles of candy, we got some fast food because no one felt like cooking. The DVD rental turned out to be a peace offering after all - H asked me if I wanted to watch it with him.

At this point, it really isn't a good idea for us to talk about the R. However, I did tell him about the therapist. When we last went to therapy, neither of us was completely honest and upfront. Can't expect to gain any insight if you aren't really giving it 100%.

I asked him if he would agree to see this new therapist, and he did. Last time, it was like pulling teeth. Maybe he's acting this way because I've been so nonchalant after the confrontation. He knows of my plans to move into the other room, and I'm still planning to follow through. My air mattress is on the way and I've started to organize my things.

As expected, H wanted to be intimate. I told him that I was not ready. He nodded in agreement but still held me throughout the night. I made an appointment with my doctor to get STD testing. It feels terrible to have to do this despite the fact that I have been monogamous.

I'm calling the therapist to schedule our appointment tomorrow. I don't know what is going to come of this, but I realize that H has a real problem. I know that if he feels comfortable with this therapist he will probably be okay with going back on his own.

Working with my 180 has really been the best thing I've ever done for myself. During the summer I started to walk around the neighbor with the kids for an hour at a time, change my diet, buy new clothes and adhere to a real schedule. Lost a ton of weight, making a real effort to keep myself up and attracting a lot of attention from other men. Its like I totally forgot that I could be viewed as anything besides a 'mom.' Since then, my self esteem has soared. I know that I deserve to be in a loving relationship that is based on honesty.

I just hope that requesting to go to therapy isn't seen as begging or pursuing. I want us to both be the best people that we can be for our children, regardless of our R. It is going to take a lot of time before I will be able to heal from all of this.

Do I still have hope that H can be completely cured and we can life happily ever after? Absolutely. But at the same time, I know that he has to be left to work on himself. And he has to be the one that is willing to do it. This will probably include a physical separation where he will have time to reflect, accept the facts for what they are and make a decision.

I kind of feel like I'm doing the same thing as him - flip flopping on my goals and focal point. Sometimes, its all about me and want I need, and other times I keep trying to fix him. This is a man that constantly says that he is not happy and doesn't but doesn't know why. I, on other hand, feel completely happy and content when I think that my family is intact. When I make believe that there is nothing else going on because things are going well between us, it seems like my life is completely fulfilled.

Tomorrow is another day and I hope to get more things accomplished for myself before I start to dwell on the future.

Today was much better for me. Woke up, got dressed, got the kids fed and ready for the day. Did some more cleaning and got my work done early for the day. Saw a message from a friend on FB asking me if she could take me to a concert a little before my B-day as an early present. Its still months away, but at least I'm making plans now.

We're still supposed to see the counselor, but I'm kind of at a loss for what to say. Hard to work on a relationship when he says that there is none. Maybe that's where I still start - saying that I neglected the relationship for years - even before I became aware of the cheating - and I just started to put in some real effort.

H invited me to go to the gym with him, so I figured that it was safe to accept. I know that I have to start saying no to some of these outings, but its kind of hard to do when there's only one car. I really feel somewhat trapped when he's at work and I'm at home with the kids.

I haven't initiated any R talks, been affectionate or really looked at him too much. Yesterday he came up while I was cleaning with the music playing full blast. He tried to talk over the music a few times, then disappeared into the bedroom for 1/2 an hour. Not that he doesn't have plenty of time to talk to whomever when he's driving home from work.

I'm spending less time thinking about him, but its still hard at times. I guess I just want to see where his head is at when we go to counseling. I don't plan on making ultimatums, but I am going to be upfront about what I will and won't accept. No transparency, no effort, no willingness to make the attempt to do better, and I'm out of here.

Yesterday was interesting. H came home approximately 1 1/2 hour late. Said he had to do something with his cell phone but I saw a receipt for a plunger in the car from a store that is not along his usual route home. Don't want to read into it, but if he was doing a favor for a friend or relative he would usually tell me about it.

Every night he's been asking me if I want to watch a movie or a TV show with him. I rarely get calls or texts from him while he is at work - just the obligatory 'I'm on my way home do you need anything?' calls. He's definitely disconnected again, but that's okay.

Have about 2/3 of the deep cleaning done and looking to finish the rest this weekend. Staying on the same schedule each day is helping, but the closer it comes to the counseling session, the more nervous I get. I don't want it to get ugly, but I can really only control my own actions. Don't want it to be rehearsed either.

Couples counseling always has a seemingly better impact on him than it does on me. He wants to be close to me, apologetic, while I am reeling inside. Don't want to rehash the past, but we have to explain our problems and circumstances to this new counselor.

I still need to find a church to attend on Sunday. I have two in mind, but I feel weird about just showing up. Plus, I have to find out what time services start. Need to make sure the girls have dress shoes that fit today or else I'll need to go shopping tonight.

I keep telling myself that I'm holding it together pretty good but I am a wreck inside at times. Taking care of my obligations while still trying to find the time to work on me. Everyday I am dressed and well groomed. I am pleasant, but I don't ask him any questions. This is hard.

He's been talking about our planned move, and I stupidly responded like everything was still going according to plan. I'll have to clarify my position at the counseling session. No, I do not know where I am going. Just like he told me he was thinking about moving to all of these random places this past summer - without the kids - he has no control over where I move in order to be financially stable. That's what happens when people make decisions that threaten the stability of their families.

^

Heard from H not too long ago. He's working overtime tonight in order to accommodate our counseling session tomorrow, so at least that is good. Have had a hard time concentrating on work, so I'm a little behind. At least I'll have time to get ahead of schedule this evening. Found a church for Sunday morning so that's all set.

Still really nervous about the counseling session. What am I supposed to say? Do I say what decisions I have already made, or do I leave things up to him, as always? The last time we went to counseling I was so standoffish. He always made things out to be less serious than they were. He only talked about the main OW instead of all of them. I just want us both to be honest. The kids noticed that he was gone this weekend. That really hurt.

H wants to go out after the counseling session considering that we will have some time off. Maybe it will be good for keeping resentment from building up, but I'm not sure if I'm going to be in the mood. Plus, its going to be a long drive back home.

I guess I'm afraid that the counselor will see things are hopeless after 5 minutes and focus on how we can split with as little damage to the kids as possible. No, I pretty much know this will happen. I'm going to have to start first and I'm going to say why we're there. I want to be in a trusting relationship based on mutual respect. He just wants to be happy. So what's the solution?

Wow. What a strange turn of events. My stomach was in knots on the long ride to the therapist's office. We briefly talked about ourselves, our backgrounds and why we were there. H immediately went into his 'I don't want to to this anymore, I'm not happy in this relationship speech' and I basically validated his feelings. I told him and the counselor that I had held onto so much resentment for many years that I was unwilling to make any real effort. I also said that I would not continue to have one foot in and one foot out of this relationship. H looked at me a couple of times during the session but he remained firm in his stance.

After everything was said and done, the therapist asked if we would like to come back at some point within the next few weeks. Without thinking, I blurted out that it was obvious that H was done and that it wouldn't make any sense to set up another appointment. I think I hit him when I said that H was a strong person. That he always triumphed when the odds were worst, but that it was funny that he was giving up so easy now. H set up another appointment for next week on the spot. When we got back to the car he asked if I was okay. I said that I was fine. I thought I was holding it together pretty good. No crying, no yelling, but I guess he could sense my feelings.

After that, H wanted to go out. He held my hand when we walked down the street. I didn't read into it. At dinner, I said that I was surprised that he wanted to go back, even if it was on the pretense of splitting up amicably. He said that he didn't know what else to do and went into a long talk about 'us' again. I just nodded. He could change his mind again tomorrow.

At the session, H said that he was tired of lying to me. Said that he was okay with me seeing someone else. Said that he had met someone else, even though things were going good for awhile. I'm going to sleep on all this and see how I feel in the morning.

itneverfails-

Good job at the 'shockandawe'! You have his attention.

You have admitted to some flip flopping. It gets hard to stay focused. It really helps in sustaining results if you KNOW WHAT YOUR GOALS ARE. What do you really want between the two of you?
What do you really want for yourself and children?

Make your goals

1) realistic (do you want him to be completely monogomous (sp)?
This may or may not be realistic with him

2) simple (doable in the next two-three weeks)

3) positively stated (state what you and he will be doing or what he will be doing -- NOT what you DO NOT want)

4) action oriented -- (verbs)

5) concrete, clear measureble--how will you KNOW FOR SURE you've reached it?

These are really good questions dbmod. I have to take some time to establish all of my goals and figure out what can be done now versus what is going to take time. There's no way I would be in a relationship with someone that is not dedicated to monogamy, but as he's shown so many times in the past, his morals just aren't there.

With him opening more and more to me, I really do believe that he blames me for his unhappiness, and thus justifies the cheating. Another problem is the fact that he surrounds himself with unapologetic cheaters. Not just friends, but his relatives as well. At the same time, I know that he is capable of making a real effort and abstaining for a period of time, usually at the beginning of a new relationship.

He also seems to think that this counselor will be able to help him. He talked about seeing him individually (which was my goal, and I didn't even mention it to him). The real problem occurs when everything isn't rosy at home. Nothing can remain perfect forever. We both have to develop tools for communicating better and learning how to express our needs. He still wants to give it a try again, but I'm not jumping into anything.

I think next week's visit is when we'll lay out boundaries (if he's still on the same page). At this point I would need 100% complete transparency and an agreement to go in baby steps. Just because he says he's not with anyone else doesn't mean that I want to be intimate again. Yes, reassurances aren't fool proof but he's not very good at covering up his tracks.

So I guess the answers are:

1. Being monogamous and rededicating ourselves to working at maintaining our relationship. Yes, I believe this is realistic because we don't have a problem with the frequency or intensity of our 'sessions.' He chooses to go out and find women that fulfill his emotional needs. That much I've been able to gather.

2. Continue to focus on myself and only talk about R stuff at counseling sessions. He prompted more than one R talk last night, and I did most of the listening. I'm going to continue with this.

3. We will both be establishing our emotional needs and we will work at them. I will continue to GAL, stabilize my finances and not respond rashly. He will be transparent and work on forgiving himself.

4. Not quite sure yet, But I guess being positive and continuing to DB.

5. I think that I will know that things have turned around for certain when we are both feeling better about ourselves. We like to spend time together when we are happy. It will always take an effort to make these changes permanent, but there will come a point when it just comes naturally. That's what I'm hoping for. Stability, a set routine and transparency.

This is something that I think therapy is going to help with. Setting clear boundaries and knowing how to react if and when they are violated is a good start. His phone, email and FB passwords are a good start. I don't know how to broach the subject, and honestly I don't think that I'm even going to bring it up. This is something that I believe should be offered if he is genuine about his intentions. I won't press the subject, but I will know how to respond if he tries to skate around the subject.