Naej, It's nice to know you still check on me from time to time. The physical intimacy issue is still lying dormant beneath the ground, but I still believe my situation is moving forward. My W has asked me to cuddle her twice this past week. I'm trying to be more accepting of her imperfections--smoking, lack of self-initiative, inappropriate comments in public, proacrastination with job hunting, poor sleep habits, poor eating habits, impatience and so on.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Hi CL, I am glad you are posting,I was getting worried about you. I was happy to read your wife asked for a cuddle, but sad to read this "I'm trying to be more accepting of her imperfections--smoking, lack of self-initiative, inappropriate comments in public, proacrastination with job hunting, poor sleep habits, poor eating habits, impatience and so on" really makes me wonder why you are expending so much effort, you must love your wife, she must have good points,maybe focus a little on why you fell in love and married her,recapture those feelings and they will show through and maybe the "fake it til you make it" attitude will rekindle some passion. Just my take on things but I know you have your own way of dealing with things. I do really wish you well and am pleased you get support.Don't over think things tho,sometimes an action says so much more. Take care.
"her imperfections--smoking, lack of self-initiative, inappropriate comments in public, proacrastination with job hunting, poor sleep habits, poor eating habits, impatience and so on."
Aren't these pretty harsh? I mean if you say they are her imperfections, then you see her as flawed. You're never going to see her as completely your W until you accept certain things about her. And again, that's not to say that some bad habits can't be changed. But then again it's up to her not you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I was happy to read your wife asked for a cuddle, but sad to read this "I'm trying to be more accepting of her imperfections--smoking, lack of self-initiative, inappropriate comments in public, proacrastination with job hunting, poor sleep habits, poor eating habits, impatience and so on"
really makes me wonder why you are expending so much effort, you must love your wife, she must have good points, and maybe the "fake it til you make it" attitude will rekindle some passion.
Don't over think things tho,sometimes an action says so much more. Take care.
It's about talking and acting in ways that moves the R forward. I don't post as much because I do tend to overthink things to the detriment of action. I'll still post most weeks though, because it is helpful. If I don't put forth effort, than I'm afraid I'll backslide into being distant and pessimistic about the R.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I mean if you say they are her imperfections, then you see her as flawed. You're never going to see her as completely your W until you accept certain things about her.
That would be true. Is it judgmental to see someone as flawed? I'm putting effort into getting better at acceptance. It's not easy and it's a daily struggle, but essential. It's one of the patterns that got me in trouble over and over in the past. I think I'm getting better at it.
We had a situation over the weekend where we were out late Saturday night at a pub with friends, and my W had too much to drink. She was slurring her speech. Our friends were caring enough to get us a cab home (we were out of town). I'm not going make it a issue, though I must admit there's some embarrassment. If you're friends with us and we go out drinking, you may see my W intoxicated--friends would have to accept that.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Hey CL... personally, I do my best to always come from a position of positive intention and responsibility. For that reason, I do not believe that words have intention, rather the speaker does.
If by using the word flawed as a context to being human and to err is human, than so be it...
If our intention is to indicate someone has lesser value or is in some way less than human and therefore undeserving of our respect or admiration or love...
Everyone's got their own "flaws". It's just harder for everyone to see what their flaws are. I'm sure you're not picture perfect either. No one is.
Plus flaws are based off of one's personal acceptance. When you feel your W is a drunk, others might see her as willing to have a good time. It's a matter of perspective.
In any event, if you are concerned about your W's drinking, bring it up. But do so in a way that's "concerned" and not you thinking her behavior disgusts you. Because when you do that, you're doing it for yourself and not for her.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
If our intention is to indicate someone has lesser value or is in some way less than human and therefore undeserving of our respect or admiration or love...
I have to keep an eye on this. I do believe my judgmental patterns led to R problems in the past and my own unhappiness. I have to keep working on acceptance of my W. I've made progress, but I still struggle with some of her patterns.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Plus flaws are based off of one's personal acceptance. When you feel your W is a drunk, others might see her as willing to have a good time. It's a matter of perspective.
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I noticed that evening that two of the people in the group didn't think too much of it. The other person (who my W doesn't get along with, probably thought less of my W). I thought I handled it better than usual--no negative comments or nonverbals, took her home safely. I don't think of my W as a drunk, though I think she drinks too much.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
