Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Learning from the pain....hard lessons

If you feel this way, it's probably a pretty accurate assessment, I_S. Same thing happened to us; it was impossible for me to DB or even act like a rational human being while my W continued her EA right under my nose.

But the thought of separation is just as terrifying, isn't it? I've read some opinions where separation causes the WAS to realize that life without their spouse is pretty dismal, and slowly there is some reconciliation. Others think that once the WAS actually moves out, it's "game over."

I think it really comes down to what you can tolerate. If your W is going to continue with the OW whether you're living together or not, a separation might be the best for you.At least then you are not faced with daily evidence of the OW.

I miss my W very much, but I am more at peace living in the house without her than I was when she was there but carrying on with the OM.

IS, how did the coaching session go?

Praying for you!! ((()))

hey -- btw my phone is dead right now..... I may see if I can borrow my mom's cell tomorrow until I can get an new one this weekend. I feel so disconnected in this world LOL....just so you know ROMB.

Well, I'm exhausted physically mentally emotionally --- I'm going to try to take an anti-anxiety pill and go to sleep soon. The DB session was great as always. Cheryl is wonderful and has very practical advice. She isn't sure that separation is best, but she says if W pushes, make her do all the heavy lifting of course. I said, since I think living this way is detrimental to the goal, I think it may be best -- and definitely for MY sanity... (thanks telemark, you put it well) Cheryl said that if that's the case -- then I need to really start taking care of legalities such as getting a loan set up to buy the house, etc...

We also talked about the fact that if W moves out and she and OW are actually together...how the fantasy tends to wind down... and reality sets in. I just need to keep improving and show that I am the better choice. We discussed the fact that W told me at ddinner the other night that I am definitely a better person than the one she met 13 years ago-- and I've grown immensely. She says she thinks my changes are great -- and that she's not convinced they are real...lasting.

Cheryl said that is actually a VICTORY because W admits seeing/noticing them. So she's taking NOTE at least... (she can't miss the physical ones. Divorce diet is the best one I've ever been on as far as actual loss of weight. I have gotten many compliments lately and it feels really nice.....just wish W would tell me I look good

Anyway, Cheryl also told me that since W is going on a tacky overnight trip with OW tomorrow night, one of these nights I need to be GONE when she comes home....stay out until really late...add some mystery. Going to see what I can come up with. I've always hesitated about that because I like to be here every night to put S to bed and feel funny missing even one bedtime. She told me it's ok--- W does it, I wouldn't be doing anything unreasonable-- just mysterious and unpredictable.

Gist of convo. Good session. Back on the DB train..... Gonna save this M and/or save myself and my S.

IS, I'm glad you had what sounds like a really good session with your DB coach! It sounds like you're re-centered now, you have some spring in your step, and you've got some fight back!

IMVHO you need to be doing this anyway. Have you seen a L?? I can't remember.

It's soo important that you do. For you and your son. As someone who is almost done with a D, it has been very painful knowing there were things I had no legal control over, but knowing what I did have control over allowed me to create the best plan for my future.

You need to do this too! What are you waiting for?



Yes it is a victory. Hold onto this. Let it encourage you to keep going when you are like "why am I doing this again?".

Because the new IS is going to be WAY better than the old IS.

Totally get the compliments thing. In 7 months my w has gone from telling me that I look too skinny to complementing everything but me (my jewelry, my fedoras, etc).

I just say thanks.. after all... I do have good taste of style in those areas.

Glad it went well!!

I have appt with L on Tuesday at 4 pm. You guys keep me in your thoughts/prayers. I am so so so so afraid that since I'm in a state where I have no legal rights to S....they will tell me there is nothing i can do. I really don't think W would hurt S by separating he and I, but then again, if you had asked me last year if she would hurt our family by separating US, I'd have laughed... Point is: I am getting legal advice, but don't know what will come of it.

I am also meeting with a lender to see if I can get financing to buy the house IF W is going to let me....again, being at the mercy of W and her ever intrusive family is not easy. I'm walking on eggshells....and terrified.

I've been GAL alot, but that really was never my problem, if you remember. I've always been busy busy busy. I'm just trying to change the type of things I do to more mystery. Going to a Christmas party soon. I wouldn't have done that before!

I do still think that W needs to move out though for my mental health. It's like opening the wound daily. To quote Telemark, I can't even act like a 'rational person' with this shoved so painfully in my face all the time. W went with OW to an event-- spent the night Thurs night....Friday she blatantly wore the Tshirt she had gotten. Is this my imagination or was that callous??? OR is it possible she doesn't know how it hurts me? OR am I just overreacting emotionally and that was a totally normal thing to do?

The world is upside down right now -- I don't know who to trust, where to turn, what to do. But I'm growing every day. I'm learning every day. There is no doubt, Val-- u are right ===the new I_S is going to be much more grounded (even a bit worn out..) than the old I_S, but guess what? She will continue to work on herself FOR herself and S. No matter what rollercoaster W decides to go on. S is the only thing that matters to me now.

All this running to parties, out of town 'events', etc... with OW.... I think W is darn lucky to know that I'm there to be with S. We watched Stuart Little the other night and made popcorn. He loved it.

IS trust in God you will never go wrong. My W thought a D was going to be like a video game, a game. Not so fast my L is demanding 3 years of financial statements. She thought she was getting the better end. I don't know what to expect but hopefully she won't try to screw me. I get very nasty when people try to. Lately been feeling like this M can not be or should not be saved. I like who I am becoming but I dispise who W has become. I have more work but at least I know that. IS pick a church and go it will bring you some peace Thinking of you and be strong the little man is counting on it. We will be fine I just know it

thanks rick. I know it's hard for you to even think about all this after 25 years together. Thanks for your kind words and prayers. I, too like who I am becoming. Not sure what/who W will end up being, but.... I'm trying to let go and 'drop the rope' as they say.

We did our weekly eating dinner out thing tonight. She brought up R talk -- said she is done. Reiterated that it's over. I validated. I agreed. IOW, I did something totally different. I didn't argue. I didn't beg, plead, cry or any of the above. I channeled some sort of inner peace that I kept saying to myself --- i will be ok. I do NOT need W--- I will make it for me and S. End result -- I was able to act like a 'rational person' as W told me again that she doesn't even like me -- that she doesn't want to talk to me about anything except S and practical matters (probably a good idea). I validated. I agreed.

I left afterwards and had a nice cry in my car alone. I'm home. She will be here soon. I'm drying my eyes and preparing to keep up my appearance of strength and acceptance. You guys are the only ones (except for a couple of select friends) that will know the truth. I want my family. Perhaps the only way to save this at this point really is just to drop the rope.

It will be easier when W has moved out, but I'm going to do the best I can for now. As 25 *hey 25 where ARE YOU?? * says, if you get dealt bad cards, play them well.

I understand the pain you are feeling. My wife dangled her EA in my face for months. She just recently told me she is moving on with her life and has no desire to be with me. I feel like my soul is dead.

But, we got to keep a PMA, right? Tonight I listed all the things I am thankful for. I was surprised that this whole thing was on my list. Its making me a better person. It forced me put of my rut. I'd never become who I am supposed to be if this didn't happen (dont get me wrong, I'm devastated and want nothing more than to reconcile). Keep moving forward IS...we are all in this thing together. Things will get better...keep your chin up.

Know that I love you my friend. I have your back no matter what. You will ne er be alone. Hope you have a peaceful rest tonight.