Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Feel like I'm living the movie Groundhog Day...

Hey WHG, I don't know if this is much of an option for you but have you considered taking a week or two away from your wife? Maybe stay with a friend, just temporarily so you can have some space from your W and the sitch?

It may prove beneficial for both of you to have to deal with issues apart from one another.

Think about it.

I've considered it... my mom lives about 30 minutes away and I could certainly crash there for a week or so without question. I don't really have friends that I would feel comfortable asking to move in without causing disruption.

In a couple weeks I have a week-long work trip to DC. That break will be nice I think.

But really I just have to man up I think and deal with the reality. Yes it's hard but it is what it is. Once we're apart things won't be all that dramatically different. We have a five year old son together, therefore he lacks independence. Since I plan to have 50/50 time and see him as much as humanly possible, I'm going to be interacting with W frequently.

Yesterday I spoke with the guest pastor who did the sermon on time. We talked at length about meditation and centering. This is something I am going to start doing a lot more of. I tried it several times yesterday and really did make a huge difference. It helped me get control of myself and my thoughts before I got all spun up and into the anxiety of the future.

Journaling... pretty quiet day. Day started with me weighing myself, something I was quite apprehensive about considering my lack of PT last week and poor eating habits. But somehow I still dropped a half a pound. Certainly not the curve I've been on, but I'll take it nonetheless.

Was more productive at work today than I've been in the past. Didn't look at W's Facebook page once today and was only on here a couple of times Each time I felt some surge of emotion coming on I did my deep breathing and counted to 10. That helped a lot.

Updated the budget spreadsheet I did quite some time ago, when all this blew up actually, to see how my W would fare on her own. Emailed it to her with some information about how it worked but tried very hard to keep any editorializing out of it. She had asked for it to help her see the reality of the money. The numbers are in her hands now. I wash my hands of it.

I noticed today that I am finding my compassion and forgiveness coming back. When I think of my W it's more often a feeling of sorrow for her than anger. At least today it was.

Picked S up from school and we hung out. SS and SD got home and they all played. Fought to stay in the moment with them. We made dinner together with each kid fulfilling a role. W got home and she seemed very down. Finally I broke down and asked if she was tired (she looked tired). Turns out she had a patient code on her today and he died while she was giving him CPR. She was shaken and saddened by that plus physically tired from giving CPR for an hour. She talked it out and I just listened.

She went and laid down for a bit after supper. Kids helped me clean up and I went to practice the piano for the first time in a very long time (20 years). Kids were playing in the living room so it was nice to be alone with my music. I forgot how much I enjoy playing and creating music. After a while my S comes in and says "Daddy! I didn't know you could play the piano so well!" He sat down on my lap and we played a couple simple songs together. Then SD sat down next to me and I taught her some very basic piano concepts. She said she wants to learn more. I told her we could find some time each week and work on it together if she wants. W came downstairs later and S and SD had to tell her all about playing the piano and S had to tell her how well Daddy can play it. Thought that was a nice touch

Put kids to bed and I went downstairs to lift weights and watch football. After I was done I came upstairs and set up in the dining room to work on drafting some press releases and stuff for my volunteer work. After a while W got up from her computer and came and sat at the table with me to read the newspaper. Then struck up some conversation. Her head was hurting bad and she went to bed a little while after.

So more of the push/pull confusion stuff. But I'm better today. Second day of not wearing my wedding ring and it's different but ok. I'll be ok. Got my run in this morning and have to get to bed quick so I can get one in tomorrow too.

We learnEd today that forgiveness is not a feeling but an act. Something you do. Nothing to do with forgetting or making the WAS actions ok. Just letting go is what I got from it. We were told that if we can not forgive than God can not forgive us. But that we must ask God to forgive us first.

WHG, I'm glad it was a better day for you. Glad you've been able to resurrect your exercise program.


I completely understand this. I tend to cycle back and forth between these feelings. I think when I'm in the mode of taking a step back and looking at my situation from a rational point of view, I'm able to get to this place. When I'm mired in my situation and right in the thick of it - that's when I feel the anger. With all of the work you've been doing for yourself and what you've mentioned with the kids, you are certainly in a better place than your W is.


Good job. It's very likely she will miss this if she follows through with her agenda.

I have the same thoughts... yes she has a lot of friends, but few of them are "deep friends". They aren't the type who are going to sit and listen to an hour's worth of nursing stories. My mom, who was a nurse, always said there were only two types of people who would listen to nursing stories - your nurse friends and your husband. I listen because I enjoy her and her stories, plus I do care. When we're apart I will probably have to work on not picking up the phone if she calls to talk or responding to that text, or being more judicious in doing so.

W just called. Not sure why I answered it... didn't I just post on someone else's thread about not answering right away? Jeez...

She wanted to discuss the budget I sent her. She doesn't like how it looks. Not enough money to live on and she's frustrated. It's pretty lean I'll admit... too bad. And I had inputted a figure she would get from her first XH in child support. She thinks it will be less than what I projected. That makes lean even leaner.

Tried to just listen and not fix. Not much really to fix. There's not enough money to go around and that's really too bad for her. And she made it clear she'd like to end this sooner than June, but the numbers get worse doing that. Too bad again.

We didn't argue and ended the call peacefully enough, but I could tell she's upset. Good. Next time I need to not answer. Completely put a raincloud on my day though.

You handled that well. How are you around her at home?

WHG, I think it's OK to answer if you're the mood or position to answer. If you're not ready, don't answer and call back when you are ready.

I agree with Bond. I think you handled it well. You just listened and validated, without trying to fix.

@Bond: I think I'm good. When talk about D comes up I need to be a bit stronger. I'd say 90% of the time I'm fine, once in a while I get a little choked up but I'm past the crying and hysterics, that doesn't happen anymore.

When we're not discussing D stuff I'm either upbeat or neutral, usually upbeat and doubly so if the kids are around. Like last night when she was sitting at the table with and reading the paper. I just focused on what I was doing, writing press releases, and let her do her thing. When she did engage me I was interested and upbeat.

I would say 95% of our interactions are upbeat and positive. It's funny stories she's telling me or something funny the kids do. We laugh, I tell jokes and she laughs. That is perhaps the only real change I've noticed in her over the past month... she laughs at my jokes again. Maybe it's because I'm funny again or maybe it's a change on her part... that I'm not sure of.