Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers What do I do next? Part 2

Thanks Telemark, I understand how to DB pretty well and why it works, but boy, it's hard to do it! I definitely wish I was better at heeding my own advice but those darn emotions get in the way!

LuvHurts, if you're splitting your time with your kids 50/50, then you could also decide to limit HER access to them. I don't think you want to get into playing those games. For now I would ignore her remark -- you've got enough to deal with.

Remember to ignore most of what she says. She's made you "the bad guy" in her mind, and is desperately trying to think of herself as righteous. Therefore, when her kids cast her in a bad light, she's instantly going to assume that came from you, it's a reflection of her own guilt.

I would literally forget she said it, but just set a boundary if she threatens you again. How did your IC appointment go? What did the counselor suggest about confronting your wife?

I hear you on the expense, one call is $150. Here's how I looked at it -- first, it's much cheaper than a lawyer or a divorce, it's kind of like buying insurance to avoid a much larger loss later. Second, if I broke my arm, would I worry about the money, or just go to the doctor? When the bomb dropped on me, I was in MORE pain than when I broke my shoulder, so I viewed professional help as a medical necessity. Obviously you need to make your own decisions, and debt is never a good thing, but for most people this is the most difficult emotional trial you will ever face, so reach for every lifeline you can!

--Accuray

The IC kept asking what it was that I was hoping to get out of confronting my W and I told the IC that it was to just let my W know that I know about the OM and that I am willing to work on things, and to leave that opening there for her if she decides that she wants to make things work. After I explained it, I think she understood why I have to do it.

WRT the kids, I'm not going to even get into her or me restricting time with the kids--I'm not going to stoop to that level. I love my kids and unless she does something completely insane, I'll just ignore her. I'm just tired of being the "bad guy". I didn't decide to have an A, I didn't leave my M, I didn't decide to do this to my kids. I'm not saying that I couldn't have done things better, but I'm not the bad guy here and she certainly isn't righteous (but should be guilty).

$150 is a lot to me right now, even if it is for a good reason. I'd rather use that $ to feed my kids and heat my house. It's not a matter of wanting to do something, it's a matter of need. It's too bad they don't take insurance, my W insurance is really good, LOL.

Got it, I hear you Luvhurts. I went through the same thing with my W and still do: (in my head) "You got to have an exciting affair which was all about YOU, tried to blow up our marriage, and now I have to do all the hard work by myself, and you're going to treat me like cr@p while I do it! You had no problem putting energy into the affair, but you can't muster up the energy to work with me?"

My W still does not say that what she did is wrong -- at one point she apologized for how it made me feel, but that's not quite the same thing is it?

That's the realization I had -- I wanted the marriage more than the apology. I wanted the intact family more than I wanted the remorse. I wanted to see my wife happy more than I wanted to see her sorry. In order to get what I wanted more, I couldn't pursue the other thing at all, because it would be destructive to the main goal. Therefore, you have to make peace with it, swallow it, forget it, whatever you need to do other than pursue it.

Doesn't mean it feels good, and it doesn't mean you'll get over it easily, you just have to get right with YOURSELF without relying upon anything from your W to get you there. It has to be all about you.

--Accuray

The problem (amongst many I guess) is that my W is no longer living in our home (she is living at her dad's) and she has already filed for D, so she has already blown up our M. Now I do believe that this A with the OM started before she left, but it may have only been an EA at that time and recently evolved into a PA. Regardless, I will have to be the one that puts in the energy.

I agree with you Accuray, I want the M more than the apology (but I wouldn't mind that too). Aside from taking care of our kids, being able to help make my W happy and our M happy is my main concern and is what will make me happy as well. Will there be trust issues? I'm sure there will, but am I willing to work through them if she is? You bet your life on it. I will swallow my pride, the anger, and everything else in order to have a chance at bringing my family happiness.

Why is it, when you are going along through your day and everything is kinda okay, but then BAM, you get smacked upside the head with bad thoughts and it just makes you want to run to the bathroom, where nobody can see you, and just cry? I really hate these moments.

Okay, time to vent. My W works in a large factory where the employees are mostly men. I understand that there is probably a lot to look at, but in 20 years, she has yet to be tempted. I just can't believe that my W would have an A. I mean, I can understand looking to a point, but come on, if she thought that something was missing from her life, after 20 years she should feel comfortable enough to say something to me. I know that when I have a problem, I talk to her about it. I'm not perfect, but M takes 2 people, not 1 or 1.5, but 2 people. Just the thought of the 2 of them drives me insane.

This morning, when she dropped off my youngest son, I noticed she was driving her dads truck. Apparently, her POS car (which she chose to take) is having electrical problems and doesn't have any lights.

She also couldn't look me in the eye and wouldn't even come within a foot of me. I wonder if she is feeling guilty because she is having an A or if she is just trying to separate herself from our M? I haven't told her that I know about A yet--I'm waiting till this weekend where she'll have more time to talk and will have the kids all weekend to think about things.

Good man! Gaining that perspective is difficult, it's so easy to retreat into feeling sorry for ourselves. It's difficult to rise above it, but when you do, it's something to feel good about.

My IC told me that 90% of men won't do the work when things fall apart, they just retreat. I guess the other 10% are all here, but that's another thing to feel good about.

As bad as your situation is right now, it will get better -- it can only get better. Your journey with your W is not done even if you get divorced. It's your choice to continue to work on restoring your relationship for as long as you want, and it will be your choice to stop if you decide to do so.

Someone on this site recommended visiting David Schnarch's website and downloading his audio program about affairs and affair recovery. It was $10 and is a presentation he gave to a group of therapists. I did find it helpful, you might as well. I'm reading his book "Passionate Marriage" right now -- very meaty. I feel like I've read half the relationship and marriage books known to man at this point, many are mediocre and/or forgettable. I really like MWD's books, "The 5 Love Languages", "Passionate Marriage", and took some value from "Love Must Be Tough", although that one was dated and had some stuff in it I just plain disagreed with. The first couple chapters were golden however.

Passionate Marriage talks about the fact that to have a successful marriage, you need to be able to stand on your own. So many of us are overly dependent upon our spouses for validation, self esteem, etc. We simply attach ourselves to them too deeply and become codependent. Passionate Marriage suggests that this inevitably leads to gridlock in marriage followed by crisis. The only way to sustain is that each partner needs to be ok with themselves, to be able to provide their own self-esteem, to be able to provide their own validation, and then CHOOSE to engage with their spouse versus NEED to engage with their spouse.

From my perspective, this is another take on GAL -- pursue what you like to feel good about yourself and make yourself whole. Break the dependence on W for how you feel about yourself. Working on yourself in this way is hard and painful. Most people don't do it because they don't have motivation to do so. Crisis provides that motivation, and that's the silver lining here for you, you have the opportunity to come out of this a much better man than you came in, more enlightened, more self confident, and by extension more attractive.

You WILL get through this.

Accuray

I wish I had your outlook Accuray. I keep going back and forth on doing more and doing less with myself. Some days, when not with the kids, I try to get out either to my mom's or my friend's house, other days I just sit in front of the TV and mope. I know I should be doing more, but I'm just so emotionally drained.

GAL is hard for me because I don't have many friends and even less that actually do anything. I also don't make friends easily (cross between being shy and an a$$hole). Let's just say that my attitude can be abrasive at times.

I'm hoping that I will get out of this funk soon (3 months and counting) and actually feel like doing something. Depression is playing a huge role in my day to day life--some days I deal with it better than other days. Of course, when I have my kids it helps a great deal.

I would love to have my kids around more often than just 50/50, but that would also mean that my W would have more time for OM since she doesn't see him when she has our kids. So on one hand I want more time with my kids and on the other hand, I also want her to spend less time with OM.

I also went through the out of nowhere deep depression cycles and hiding in the bathroom to break down, that's normal. My IC told me that over time they will get less frequent and not last as long when they do occur, but unfortunately the last thing to go is the intensity.

One thing she suggested to me is that when it starts coming on, think of all the things you are doing for your wife or for your family. Don't know why that helps, maybe it points out that you're not helpless.

In terms of your wife not discussing things with you, here's what my wife said: she was scared. If your wife tells you she's unhappy, one possible outcome is that you say "me too" then leave, kick her out, or divorce her yourself. For women in particular, this can be terrifying -- they don't know how you're going to react to fundamental dissatisfaction with the marriage, so they keep it inside and try to deal. They don't tell you because they don't think you're willing or capable of fixing things.

Over time, they feel trapped and resentment builds. They happen to meet a friend or coworker who is nice to them and pays attention to them, someone who makes them feel good about themselves. This almost always starts as an innocent friendship. They establish common ground, common interests, or get together and talk about the problems with their spouses or ex's. In your wife's mind, he's just a friend. Each day, she compares the trapped, helpless feeling she has around you with the warm, supportive, connected feeling she has with OM. The once solid "friendship only" ground she was standing on starts to get slippery. At some point she realizes that she's crossed the line, but by then she's hooked.

There is never really a hard decision point, it's just one more little action that followed the one prior to it. By the time they realize they are way over the line, they start constructing rationalizations to keep things going and you become the bad guy.

From my experience and from what I've read, that's how it happens, that's why it's not about you.

Accuray

So how can I try and stop this A from going any further than it already has? I know I can't change anything about my W, but just sitting on my hands while this A continues is so very hard to do.

I am going to confront my W about A and the OM, but what do I do about the OM? Do I confront him as well? A lot of bad things enter my mind in regards to the OM, but I also know I can't do anything because of my kids. It's just so frustrating!!!

Also, you're not an a$$hole. Your wife cheated on you and left you and took the kids with her. Your response is to forgive her, work on yourself, be a great parent, and try to make things right. That's not what an a$$hole would do, that makes you a good man.

Accuray