I told her that our Son was not himself, I asked him about OM and he told me what was happening, I also said that it was nothing to do with me what she did, but just keep an eye on our son.
This was turned right around back on me, she said that maybe he was not himself was because he didn't like me anymore for what I did, breaking the family up and spoiling it for everyone, she said that she still had issues with me and cannot forget how I was in the past and was still hurting.
She said that in years to come she expects our kids to blame her for not leaving before she did, rather than them see how I was.
I just listened and agreed in principle, but added that she cannot look into the future, and how does she know that in 20 years time, the kids won't say to her why didn't you give Dad a chance when he changed, she said if I'm not sober for 20 weeks, never mind 20 years, I said I was were I was, but she started to look into the future and mind read
We ended that call amicably, but she is still carrying a lot of hurt around, again she said that it broke her heart to leave me, but she had to, again I thanked her for that
I am now coming to the conclusion that I really am wasting my time hoping that things will change with us.
Yes, I will continue with the changes I have made, as I am really benefiting from them, I am happy and well.
But that is not where she is right now, she says that she is happy, but it is very clear that she isn't, she is still hurt badly by the last few years. The OM is a bandaid to this hurt, he's there for her, and she is enjoying the company and attention.
She said yesterday again that she cannot forget the past, I know that she never will, I don't expect her to forget,so while she thinks like this, we have no chance.
Its happened, she loved me dearly and I hurt her, the pain is still there as she probably still loves me, but I don't think she will ever get over it.
Again the past got thrown in my face again yesterday, I don't deny it and accept it, but she cannot forget it.
So I don't think it will ever work out in the future.
I don't really know what to do now, any contact will only make the matter worse, all contact has been from her for the last few months really, so there is no change from me there, but I am stopping being so available, or will that look petty following this issue?
I really need to move on, I really thought I had, I was positive and looking forward, but all the contact from her, the things she said, the laughing and joking has confused me and give me hope when there wasn't any
Well, I think she said all the crap to you because she knows she's guilty of what you said to her. Since she can't accept responsibility for it, she turns it back around on you, and makes it all about you and you this and you that. And the stuff with her saying maybe Son didn't like you anymore for breaking up the family, blah, blah, it's utter nonsense, and if she was thinking clearly, she would know it. So like you said, go dark, as much as you can with the two kiddos.
I think everybody you know, your kids, your friends, your co-workers, everybody would say you had changed and for the better. Heck, even we on this site who aren't there, can tell it. My H did the exact same thing for a long time. He would bring up the same things over and over. For the longest time, it didn't matter one whit that I had changed, it only mattered that he felt hurt and resentful. I think your wife can acknowledge your changes, while at the same time she is more concerned with her own hurt and resentment.
My H, during this time, was still carrying on with ow. It is going to take time. It hasn't been terribly long for you and your W, even if it seems like an eternity to you. It's good you aren't giving om much mind space, not allowing him to have an important place he doesn't deserve.
Just carry on your life, as though things were not going to change., you are doing a great job with the GAL, already anyway. Hanging out with friends, maybe going away for a day or so on trips without the kids, not giving her the details. Enjoy the days leading up to Christmas, you and the kids decorate the heck out of your front yard.
And it isn't true that there is no hope in your situation, there is always hope; some of the worst situations have turned around. And yours can, too. I honestly thought my situation would end differently than it has.
Don't despair, if you have the DB book, read it again, get more insight into what's happening.
She seems to have lost concept of reality and what is happening around her!!
We have not spoken, or had any contact since we spoke about OM and our son.
I have no problem with this and is what I actually want, it really does make things easier.
Yesterday I spoke to my son on the phone, and he tried to relay a message from wife to me, but was getting confused, he went to put her on the phone and she hung up!!
He called me back and said she didn't want to speak to me, fine no problem, but to act like that in front of our son is stupid!
I sent her a text saying, don't worry I don't want to speak to you either, but grow up!
I called the kids again last night and I can sense the nervousness in their voice, I asked son was OM there, he just said yes, I just said ok, don't worry.
So, I can accept OM is in her life, but I am not comfortable with him being around my kids, being in THEIR home every night, what can they do, its being forced upon them, my daughter is young and nieve, she is innocent, but my son knows exactly whats happening, and just goes in his room when he's around, this is not a healthy enviroment, but when I said that, I get told its better than seeing their father drunk!!!, that maybe true, but doesn't make it right!
She is so wrapped up in this, that she cannot see the damage she is doing, this is not the woman I know and love.
I am just mantaining distance again, but this whole situation stinks!!
I accept I did wrong and take responsibility of my faults and damage to the marriage, but I think I keep forgetting, she cheated on me when we were together, emotionally I know, physically I don't!, but she still has to accept that she did wrong.
Until she takes her head out of the sand, accept some responsibilty for her own actions, and see the damage that she has caused, this is not going to change anytime soon.
I am feel that all the contact and "friendship" we had has not helped, I cannot be a friend who is always available, I need to know that I did wrong, but also remember that she has done wrong also, she cheated on me, I've turned things around in my life, she hasn't and is continuing with it.
I hope that 1 day she understands what she did was wrong, but I'm not waiting for that day anymore.
Unfortunately, from what I see on this site, there is little a parent can do to keep their spouse from allowing op around their children, unless the op is in some way harmful to them. Unfortunately, adultery doesn't seem to be considered harmful anymore.
I would have left off sending her the text, even though she hung up on you. Don't let her goad you into striking back that way.
At least your son is able to escape to his room when om is around. I am sure his feelings are apparent to your W. And she is projecting her feelings of guilt onto you and your drinking. She knows your kids aren't seeing you drunk, anymore, but still feels she has to throw that up to you whenever there's a disagreement. And besides, your drinking did not make having the kids around om a good thing.
You are right, you have taken responsibility for your actions, and have sought to change yourself for the better; she has not. Like you said until she does, things won't get better on her end. It could take a while. And living your life not waiting for her to decide to face her own faults in this, is a good move for you. Not saying to jump into getting a D. Keep that on hold, still, until and unless you are through. Because things would be pretty much the same then, except you would then be free to date other women.
Second. STOP APOLOGIZING. I mentioned that before and I'll keep saying it. The more you apologize, the more it justifies what she's doing. If you haven't noticed it by now, she keeps throwing it back into your face.
"She seems to have lost concept of reality and what is happening around her!!"
So far, she's been very methodical in what she's done. You need to accept that this is your reality.
In her mind, she's moving on. She's told you that time and time again. Getting a boyfriend, unfortunately, is a result of it. She hasn't been lying to you. She just chose not to tell you. But she's been moving on.
You've got to do the same. Not necessarily to forget about the M, but you have to understand that this is where she's at in her head. A part of you knew this already.
Don't let your anger get the best of you like in the past. If it helps, come up with a f@ck 'em attitude, just something to not let it come out as violent.
It [censored], believe me I know. But it's why we've been telling you to get yourself strong first. In your case, it would actually be good for you to stop her before she starts getting into the blame game. You've validated enough.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
MrB, I totally get where your coming from, she seems to have moved on with OM, yes I knew, but she did lie about certain things, but I just sound petty by going on.
My problem is that I have left all contact to her, she calls me everyday, she asks how I am, how I feel, we laugh and joke, minor flirting, I was in the bath a few weeks ago, my son came in with the phone, he was talking to my wife, and she said its a pity its not a camera phone!!!
This sort of contact has confused and mis-lead me in a train of thought that there was hope.
This now ends
The validating does seem to be something that is being used against me at every opportunity.
I do take responsibility for my actions, but every time we have a disagreement over anything, even minor things, the past gets thrown in my face, what I did, what I said, these are things from well over a year ago, I keep asking can we move on, but she can't, or does not want too!!
She will see no anger from me, I'm tired of being angry and I'm proud of how I've controlled myself during this latest issue.
I haven't thought about drinking at all, I have not argued or raised my voice, and I have not contacted her since the conversation.
And you know what, I am at peace with it all.
VC, I think you are right, I wish I hadn't sent the text and took the moral high ground!!
Hey, my H did the same thing, even nearly two years later, throwing up the same stuff I did wrong, and how he had no fault in things, whenever we had a disagreement. They just have to come to the end of whatever it is, before they can think clearly enough to see that you are not the only one who contributed to the problems in your M.
Good for you, the determination to lash out at her in anger, that shows a lot of strength of character. She will one day see you for who you really are, not who you were then. vc
I understand where I am right now, I know how I got here and I know what I want in the future
The issue is she is still living in the past, I'm not the person I was then, she knows that and has told me so.
So why keep throwing the past in my face!!
I understand the hurt she is carrying, I know what I did, but when is she going to move on for her own sake, not just mine!!
This hurt and anger will do her no good while she keeps carrying it around, in fact at times I think she wants to keep it, its a good excuse to have to excuse her actions
I meant the determination NOT to lash out at her in anger.
If you read some of the other threads here, you will see the same sort of pattern in so many of them. One spouse is stuck in the past, while the other is left to go forward as best he/she can. And you CAN move on if that is what you are ready to do. You don't have to wait for her to give you permission. She won't be ready to go forward until she comes out of her "crisis" or whatever. No matter what you or anyone else says to her, she mentally can't move on until then. It really is like an alien has taken over her mind. And playing the victim is one part of it. It's all your fault, you are the only one who has and caused problems. She was perfect and faultless in her mind right now. My H did that. He told me that I did nothing right, except as a mother, and he had no problems, they were all caused by me. He rewrote our history together until he had me believing most of it. It will drive YOU nuts if you let it.
Just let her be, let her come to the end of her journey when she is ready. If she comes to her senses and finds you still want to be with her, then great. If she comes and finds you have moved on to the extent where you no longer want her, then that is YOUR choice to make. God gave us one out of M, and that's when a spouse commits adultery, the innocent one can D him/her and remarry.
I know you are really hurt and frustrated by all this, but that's why we are to GAL, work on ourselves, enjoy our friends and families, live our lives to the fullest. We then become better people whether or not we R with our spouses.
Come here to "yell" and get it out and get advice. You are doing way better than a few months ago, you know. Enjoy Christmas with your kids, make memories with them and other family and friends, let your W do her own thing, go as dark as you can with her, let her see what it will be like in the future without her H/friend.
