Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Finally confronted H on affair...Now what????

I really wanted to let this issue re. OW and the kids go. H sent me an email yesterday re. the holidays with three options and asking for my choice / opinions.

I responded and when he didn't like my answer, he started trying to convince me. With each email, he asked for my response and feedback. In some, he was even attacking me - he accused me of being judgemental when I told him I didn't want to lie to the kids.
He thought I was yelling and being abusive cause I used some all caps. (I know a lot of people use them to yell, but also a lot, like me, use them to emphasize points. I told him so and I know we have gone thru this before. He didn't believe me, yet again and I found myself defending myself.

I also tried to defuse - validating and saying I was sorry for how he felt and how I would do things differently if I could start over.

A couple of comments I let go to avoid yet more conflict and he came back saying I was ignoring important points and asking that I acknowledge them.

I wanted him to feel like I was open, in a dialogue and validating him, without getting into an argument. I think we must have exchanged about 6 emails, which is exactly what I wanted to avoid.

Why would he want to go over this issue again? He already knew how I felt about exposing kids to OW, and he had already gone ahead and done it. My goal was to simply state my stance and drop it. Let him make his decision about the holidays without feeling that I was in the middle or trying to control.

I don't know if it's his guilt, insecurity or need for validation, but he does this. When he knows there is something I don't agree on (and it's always related to OW. How could he expect that I would agree to anything related to her???), he always keeps trying to convince me to agree.

I hate being in that position. Either way I lose. If I try not to get engaged, he accuses me of ignoring him, and not validating and respecting him (an issue in our marriage). If I try to, he reels me in into his arguments hoping to convince me and we end up nowhere, because I simply cannot agree to his R and actions re. OW...

How should I approach this... I feel so helpless and I know it will continue coming up.

How should I reply to his voicemail message? He wants an answer, he asks that I don't ignore him and to resolve this (yet is just willing to hear one answer...)

It's so hard for me to do this - I just don't know how. I feel like every time I make any progress and we are friendly and getting along, he then wants me to become part of his fantasy, where I am ok with his actions... And then he gets upset if I don't and we get farther, which makes him justify in his actions even more...

any ideas?

While re-reading this recent post, I realize that I need to get off my soap box... I sound like such a victim, like there is nothing in my power.

H just left another message asking to talk to finalize plans for kids for the holiday.
I was thinking about calling him (or emailing?) and saying.

"I have tried to acknowledge and answer all your questions and points to the best of my ability. You also know where I stand regarding this situation and we simply will not be able to agree on it. But you are your own person and you will do what you think you should do - I cannot control that. Please let me know at what time you plan to pick up the kids on Thursday and how you decided to approach the weekend."

Is that good?

That last part is going to put you right back in the cycle again. It doesn't matter how he is approaching the weekend, that is his to own and yours to get past.

Thanks for the quick feedback.

That last phrase was my way of asking him to tell him to what he plans to do re. spending the night - which is the crux of the issue - if the kids are spending the night with him or if he is bringing them back to my place, etc.

Just want to figure out the logistics of it - that's it.

maybe I should re-phrase that last part?

I think you should let me do whatever he wants and suggest the plan be how he wants it. Validate validate validate. Yes the girls should stay with you and the other woman. No big deal.

I know it's impossible but I think bustaroma said the walk sways need to live their fantasy. I know my h soften changed his behaviors when my d got upset that he didn't live in our house vs me tell him she would be upset. Let your h live through the reactions of your kids. I know it's impossibly hard but I think it's the db thing to do

This is what I emailed my H:

H,

I got your messages. I think there is not much more to discuss about the weekend. Once you make your decision, please let me know the logistics of when you will be picking up / dropping off kids so I can plan my time as well.

I will be on the lookout for your package and will text you when it arrives.

Thanks.


---

I hope that was ok...

Thank sounded great! Nice job

Good job! What was the response?

He actually has not responded yet (never mind that he is supposed to pick the kids up tomorrow AM...

He did send me an email informing me that he stopped by the house to pick up the package with his new Iphone that he was expecting.

I responded saying "thanks for letting me know. I am glad you got a new phone - you had your old one so long and got really good use out of it. You deserved a nice new phone!"

why?
a) to validate, validate, validate (for a long time he postponed getting a new phone, even though he really wanted it...)
b) to make sure he knew I was not mad - my email re. the weekend was so neutral, that he probably thought that I was angry (our usual dynamic). He has said he is always afraid of me getting angry. My response re. the phone showed him that I was not and that was important so he could see my 180.

I will wait to see what he says re. the weekend...

Not surprisingly, I have not heard from H yet re. weekend schedule. He is supposed to pick up kids tomorrow at some point. I knew there was a strong possibility of him doing this, since OW arrived this afternoon.

He has done it in the past. As soon as she arrives, he goes completely MIA - sometimes for a couple of days. He won't call to talk to the kids or anything. One day I had a very imp. and time-sensitive q about our finances and he didn't call back for two days. Thank goodness nothing bad has happened - I might not be able to reach him.

Anyways, I don't think this time will be the case. He said OW has her own plans for tomorrow (she is not going to MIL's house), so I am sure he will call 5 minutes after she walks out the door and tell me he will pick up kids in 10 minutes. He probably won't address the plans for the whole weekend at that time. He hates confrontation and this issue might be a tough one for him. He is a pleaser and doesn't want to disappoint anyone. Given the way he has dealt with this, makes me think he is conflicted.

He will probably just tell me when he picks up the kids that he will bring them back on X date and time.

I am letting go and not pursuing or insisting. I will let him do this on his terms...

What [censored] is that he is not only controlling his own time, but mine. (I am venting now)... I am in limbo for the weekend and cannot solidify any plans, not knowing when I'll have the kids. This is typical of H since separation. Flaky, late, procrastinating and never considering my time or need to have a life.

I have tried to set boundaries, have clear schedules, asked him to work with me and pre-plan these things. He will cooperate with me when OW is not in town or when he has definite plans with OW and he wants to make sure kids' schedule works for him. Otherwise, he does this - just not deal with any of it. Some may call it irresponsible, insensitive, selfish. I don't disagree, but to me, it's mostly sad... forget me and my needs - these are his three kids we are talking about after all...