Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Can MLC last a short time?

FWIW I thought the guys who posted to you about porn were insensitive and a bit ignorant about the pornography issue. It is not the other partner's 'fault' if someone looks at porn. Porn is not a bit of nudity or fun. It is what depersonalises sex and intimacy, and is very destructive of relationships. many theraaists spend a lot of time dealing with the fall out from porn users.

It can be a very male response [and not all men i hasten to add before there are lots of posts about this] to suggest that porn is harmless 'fun'. If you are upset by it that is enough.

Emotional abuse, like physical abuse lies in the abuser blaming the abused 'you made me do it'. That frankly is a load of horse manure. Your h has problems which it sounds as if he is trying to deal with, but is ashamed and backsliding.

We all of us have to look at ourselves, and take responsibility for our behaviour. However contrary to popular belief problems in marriages are not invariably 50/50/ Sometimes one partner is damaged and damaging. That is what MLC is about.

I am so sorry for what you are going through, and sorry to for any posters who have caused to feel worse about the situation.

"I've been doing the heavy lifting in my life since I was six years old."

We're only talking about your M.

"then ... more lies surface."

He was honest with you about it. Did you ever think that he felt ashamed because he knew your stance about it? Chastising him for it isn't going to make him feel any better.

"He may start going behind my back again now, because of my reaction. (I cried about it)"

You should have talked it over. That just made the both of you feel bad and ashamed. You have to understand that he has feelings to which caused him to do this. If you want him to understand how you feel, you have to understand how he feels and not generalize it by saying "men are visual, etc."

"I've definitely been doing the heavy lifting since July 3."

Healing doesn't happen overnight. And let's face it, we've ALL done the heavy lifting. Some for years.

"I on the other hand feel like I'm the walking wounded who just fled a huge battle and Im' full of bullet holes. Sorry to be so dramatic but that's really just how it feels this week."

You feel like you've been through war and now that you've "won" it's bittersweet. It's natural. You feel that you are "entitled" to so much more. It's the natural feelings that come up during the healing process. But you need to try and connecting more rather than come up with more "expectations" of how you should be feeling. Take it one day at a time.

"I have to start taking of me, and he will have to take care of himself."

This will make it worse.

"because I don't know what else to do."

Go to a MC. Write up a list of what you would like to see him to do help you during this period and give it to him. What would make you feel secure and loved again?

Don't stop learning about how to strengthen your M. There are tons of resources available about how to do that. Right now your expectations are what's killing your chances. This isn't heavy lifting. It's a matter of forgiveness and moving forward from this point on.

Let's face it, if you really think about it, there are probably things that you've done that he found objectionable but he let it slide. No one is perfect. Start from there.

BTW,

The reason why I ask about what you've been doing with him in the bedroom is because unless you give us specifics, the board can't help you.

Also, another thing for you to do is to write down his specific issues with the M as well, so that the two of you have a mutual goal to work towards.

"WIW I thought the guys who posted to you about porn were insensitive and a bit ignorant about the pornography issue. It is not the other partner's 'fault' if someone looks at porn. Porn is not a bit of nudity or fun. It is what depersonalises sex and intimacy, and is very destructive of relationships. many theraaists spend a lot of time dealing with the fall out from porn users."

As for the porn issue, it is a matter of personal opinion and tolerance. There are porn users and porn abusers. Some men and women like it, some don't. The vast majority of the population view porn (both men and women) and it hasn't destroyed the majority of their relationships. This shouldn't be generalized as it is a matter of personal preference.

I don't think the guys who posted about it were insensitive. They were being honest about their viewpoint as well as you. Take it as such.

Is this discussion really about porn or about productive establishment of boundaries. While I was reading these posts all I could think about was my puppy...LOL (somebody had to bring up a dog when discussing porn and men). A while ago I let him out to do his thing and after which he started running around like mad when I called him to come back in. Nothing horrible, just not coming back to me quickly. When he finally did return I scolded him for not returning when called.....very common reaction to the situation I thought as I had things to do that were important to me. It was when I walked inside that my wife made a very important point....while she understood it was upsetting me that the puppy didn't return right away, scolding him for eventually returning was not the answer either. By scolding him when he returned I was in essence scolding him for returning. In his mind he returned and I scolded him, so why should he return and be scolded. I was reinforcing in his mind that he should run around longer than come home and be scolded. After that I stopped scolding him for returning slower than I wanted and of course that lead to him coming home much faster when called.

IMHO the question isn't about the right or wrong of porn as your husband does know your feelings on the subject. The real thought is how his honesty was handled. He came to you and was honest about something he knew before hand would bother you.....and was scolded for his honesty. Are you right in being angry....hell yes!!! For YOU porn is disrespectful and that is fine with me. But I would venture a guess that dishonesty is a greater evil than the porn for you?

In the end marriage really isn't about who is right and who is wrong.....it is about handling the situation.

Marriage isn't about 'right' and 'wrong'. But it is about treating the other person well, and about understanding that there are languages of love for both sexes. Maybe I have misunderstood the situation, but I thought that C's husband was engaged in [at least] and emotional affair with an OW, and looking at what C considered to be porn, and she felt hurt by this.

yes he was honest about the porn, but he isn't a puppy, and he is capable of understanding that being honest about something that the other finds hurtful doesn't dissipate the hurt. I understand the analogy, but marriage is between equals, not a puppy master relationship. Her h needs to help her to recover from the hurt by kindness and sensitivity.

So yes, one could argue rather fruitlessly about what constitutes porn, and point out that everyone has to make an effort in a marriage. However C's husband is doing things which many women would be understandably upset by.

I do know a little about the effects of pornography on relationships, I wish I didn't [And i am not talking about a few raunchy pictures here]. It has little or nothing to do with what is going on in the marital bedroom, and a great deal to do with issues relating to the one looking at porn.

The main point is that it is not c's 'fault' that her h is looking at porn, and to suggest that spicing things up in the bedroom will sort it out, is sadly, almost certainly incorrect.

It is great to get a male point of view, but please remember that women do feel things differently, and no renditions of 'Why can't a woman be more like a man' pleae!! We aren't, and I don't think you really want us to be.

"Well, I've pretty much done everything possible to keep saving my marriage. But with continual lying that has destroyed my trust, I don't know how long I'm willing to do anything."-C

In this series of postings I saw nothing from the OP about OW being in the picture. What I read seemed to be a woman who is trying to find her way through a maze....a man regretting his decisions, but taking a least the first steps in ownership of those decisions. Those aren't the steps of a metaphorical puppy, but of some one trying to right his wrong.

The OP clearly stated that the "continual lying" is what is the issue. Yet the husband has come forth to admit to something he knows will hurt his wife's feelings. As I stated, she has the right to her feelings. That isn't where the issue lays. The issue lays in how the situation was handled IMHO. His honesty was rewarded with a cold shoulder.....a sharp tongue.

Often we swing the ax of judgement so fast based purely on instantaneous thoughts, that we miss the opportunity of changing the big picture.

What if what had transpired was more like;

H-I have been watching porn again...I am sorry
W-H....you know how porn makes me feel. How it degrades women in my eyes. The truth is though that while I disapprove of the porn, I appreciate that you are honest with me about it.

That is how one can set productive boundaries without destroying the underlying fabric of what is happening. This is not about the porn and what is may have cost the OP or Beatrice. Nor am I advocating the right or wrong of porn. IT is about the attempt of the H to be HONEST. An attempt on his part to end the cycle of lying that is driving the OP to think about ending everything.

I never used a sharp tongue with my h, I cried. Why does it seem I'm under scrutiny here for being upset about this? My feelings do not matter?

My h is the one who told me he wants to stay, wants our m, and would never lie again. Said back in oct that the lies were done. Then a month goes by and more lies surface. I think I have the right to be rattled by it.

I've been posting here since July and this place has been a safe place for me to go to to vent feelings in.

My h knew way before we married my feelings on porn and he agreed to honor that.

Beatrice ... Thanks once again for getting me. After his ea and HIS decision to stay and HIS promise to stop lying it knocked me back down again.

Actually lost, my h has has issues in the past about being honest and on the past he has been met with compassion and forgiveness

All sides of this siuation could be handled better.

All relationships are based in compromise.

A person should figure out what they are willing to bend on and what they aren't willing to bend on.
(I wasn't at the time of posting aware the C's 1st marriage ended because of a porn addiction)

A person unwilling to compromise on anything, might be in a relationship...but not for long.