Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Advice from successful DB'rs?

Very encouraging to hear your success. My wife left me 11/7/11 and I am trying to follow as much as advice that applies to my situation. Thru counseling I learned I am the reason for all her (and my) pain. I caused her tears and made her cry. I can only hope my 180 can begin the healing process and hopefully I can be a success story as well.

Wow I can so relate since most of my trouble started while i was in Afghanistan.

Have you posted your story, the details are very important.

For now my first piece of advice is to share this with your first line supervisor, the chaplain or at least a buddy.

You'd be surprised how much those around you care.

You have kids?

If you don't consider cutting your rates of calling home in half, give her a chance to truly miss you.

Have you separated your accounts yet? I'm sure you've heard the horror stories. I you haven't ask your nearest E7 they'll square you away. If she freaks out tell her that you will continue to provide, but as long as she is like this you have to protect yourself.

Bottomline you won't be able to fix anything from over there, but you can prep the battlefield. Use this time to give her a taste of life without you. As long as she is still acting like this, slowly cut her off. Dont be angry don't do anything rash, just explain that you don't feel like being a loving husband, as long as she is acting like this. I know its tempting to run to the nearest MWR tent and make a phone call, call someone else, your mother, sister anybody.

Others beside your W appreciate you and miss you. Don't forget that.

If she brings up D again tell her you two will deal with it, when you get back. Then AVOID any and all relationship talk, don't even say you miss her.

Post more of your story so we can help you out.

One more thing are you over the 10 year mark for retirement?

Hi GreenBlue,

Here is a recap of my story. I have learned so much since it was first posted a short time ago- ... I'm changing from Broken to PERSEVERANCE... Even more confusing, my wife sent an email saying that she has noticed that I sound healthier emotionally/mentally, that it makes her happier than I will ever know...signed Love W ( haven't seen that in a while)..What does it mean? Oh well...here is my sad story/recap. Thanks & any input is appreciated. Should be home for the holidays!

I'm in the Guard/Reserves-currently deployed to Afghanistan. My wife of 17 years, whom I love & adore, has just announced that she wants a divorce. Our marriage was beautiful until the last few years. I supported her through postgrad school & business ventures. Finance issues & frequent seperations have caused a strain. I said things that I regret...thinking about it, I probably suffer from depression/anxiety issues. She felt unappreciated and I'm sure that I hurt her self-esteem. Unfortunaely-I took out my own frustrations on the ones that I love. I regret all of it.
I'll be home soon& have an appt ...maybe I need meds for anxiety/depression. I suggested couples counceling when I return, but she said that its too late (she had suggested it for 2 yrs- but I was in denial, and refused to go). I believe her when she tells me that there isn't another man. She said that she loves me- she has been crying,but can't return to the way we were. I just started to learn the 180 rules...it is so hard. I love and adore my wife and children. I want to save our family

I like the name change...

Great to hear that you got that email from your W. It's time to GAL a life


I GAL like crazy. Always worked out but stepped it up like crazy. Got my 41 year old body looking like a 23 year olds (OK maybe a 32 year olds... lol).

Changed my diet, started taking protein, suppliments, etc.

Started a poker club with the guys in my neighborhood. 10 to 12 guys and we all play every month. Pleying tonight in fact.

I'm part of a neighborhood movie club. I know it sounds a bit odd but let me explain. About 10 guys meet at a house. Lots of beer, food and drink. hang and talk. Watch a movie and head home. Just a reason to get out and socialize.

I go to watch the Patriots play at a sports bar every week with the guys.

I joined a wine club and am learning to brew beer. Wife does this with me.

My daughter and I have a new tradition of watching a new scary movie every Saturday morning when we wake up complete with popcorn and soda.

My son and I play COD III for xbox till the wee hours. And he has started working out with me.



Build the life YOU want. A life anyone would be crazy to leave or not be a part of. And if at that point they DO leave, your new more fulfilling life stays in place.

Good luck!

Hi Sad, great to hear from you. Pats- sounds like we're from the same neighborhood. Am I being too hopeful about the email content?... Of course I won't ask my W any R questions...but it sounded like there might be "something". GAL...as soon as I'm out of the sandbox(Afghanistan), which is very soon- I have my GAL planned... I'm in great shape already- but I'm signing up for Yoga, learning to snowboard ( my kids offered to teach me), will train for a marathon... & I've scheduled individual counceling appts- I don't mind if they put me on meds at all (depression/anxiety). Unfortunately- my wife is seeing a counselor that seems pro-divorce.... Before I learned the 180 rules/ when she first dropped the D word on me, I begged to go to a MC when I return-- she said no, too late. "believe none of what she says(negative stuff) & 1/2 of what she does" Oh well...backing off for now, give her space, gal & hopefully it all works out. How is your situation...sounds pretty good?

CO1978- Hang in there... There are so many of us in the same unfortunate boat. Sounds like you've taken ownership of your mistakes & you are working on improving. Luckily, there are caring people & tons of wisdom on this site. I'm a newbie too... Just wanted to say stay positive & hang in there,you're not alone! A bend in the road is not the end of the road... unless you fail to make the turn. ~Author Unknown

Hello Perseverance,
Sorry to hear about your sitch, but things may not be as bleak as you sometimes think. Your w sounds confused and hurting, you will have time to sort things out when you get back,

In some ways you are in a better sitch then some of us who started ours sitchs living with our w's every day. You are being given the gift of time and space, you can work on yourself a little before you get home, and your wife will have some time to work on herself. When you do get together after deployment, hopefully some of the raw emotions will have disipated by then.

While you are away from her, start reading up on some of the stories of those who have been DBING for a while. There is a great deal of knoledge and experience on this board, take advantage of it.

Thank you for your service, come home safe!
Semper Fidelis!