Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Learning from the pain....hard lessons

IS, I'm glad to see you're back and kickin'!

I think you're getting some good advice from Rick & Bond.

As much as it hurts, it sounds like you need to back off more and stop any kind of persuing. As Bond said, too, take it one day at a time.

Don't be a stranger. We have your back here.

Still praying for you, IS.

2x4 coming.

"I did screw up again tonight and let her engage me in a very very nasty argument in front of S. I felt SOOOOOOOO terrible. I need to shut my f'n mouth --- NEVER NEVER NEVER argue in front of him. I feel SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO terrible about that. Poor little dude. He is my world, and now my guilt is even worse."

As the old saying goes. DO YOU WANT TO BE RIGHT OR DO YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY?

So you know not to be so impulsive when you here something that contradicts what you believe. You can learn to not do that. Here's what I used to do. When my W was on her path of saying the most outrageous things to me, I would picture her like one of those crazies you see standing on the street corner just yelling at anyone walking by. Total gibberish. This visualization helped me to talk to her in a calm manner. After all, who can rationalize with a crazy person?

Repeat what she said in a different way, mirror her actions and watch her body language. If you see that she has her arms or legs crossed, speak calmly and watch to see if her posture changes. You are like an FBI profiler trying to get to the truth of what she's saying and gaining her trust.

You can do this. Believe in yourself.

wow bond. That is an amazing piece of practical advice. I will try it out. I definitely let myself get sucked into some silly nonsense too often. I KNOW what to do. I need to TRAIN MYSELF to do it.

Thank you so much. I do think WAS have some 'crazy' tendencies. I think a lot it comes from their guilt, their own pain, their uncertainty, and the knowledge that it is their choice to break up a family. I do feel sorry for them, and like JB always says, I'd rather be us than them in that sense......but some part of me still wishes I had a part in this decision that is putting 3 lives in total upheaval.

By the way if ROMB is reading this --- my phone is crapped out.... It's ancient in cell phone years, and is doing weirder hings as the night goes on. No idea --- just got to get a new one. Also, that will put me off W's plan.

Sounds like a good plan.


Unfortunately, I think the rule of the lowest common denominator applies here. It only takes one person to create the mayhem. Your only vote is in how you respond.

I keep thinking I'm acting like poor Cam who was coming here for a while.... I think of him too and wonder how he's doing.

I think having W and I living together while she is having this thing with OW -- and having it in my face every day, day in and day out....is hurting my ability to DB. It isn't that I want to be "right" -- I absolutely know my part in the failure of the R, but I -- emotionally ---- don't think this living situation is working. I believe it is bringing W and I further and further apart instead of closer.

No matter how well I DB --- once things get messed up, even a little -- it's such a big backslide... Well, I am NOT GIVING UP on saving my M (most importantly myself and my S) but I definitely believe it is time for us to live separately. This is too painful and it is making us dislike each other. I DO NOT want that.

We're all human-- and I don't think it's healthy to have to watch the person you love and have shared a child and over a decade with text for hours to OW, go to OW every weekend, spend nights out with OW doing things WE used to do. It's NOT about me being 'right'. I don't care about that at all.....It's about the fact that this situation is taking such a toll on me---- and on whatever friendship we had ----- I think the only way for us to find our way back together ----IF there is a way ---- is to separate.

I am anguished for my S, but I do not EVER want him to hear us argue again. (We have rarely argued ever in 13 years----until the past couple of weeks--- after she spent Oct 29 out with OW and sent me a text to let me know) That event HURT so much that I have decided that it is more detrimental to my overall goal.

I have a DB coaching session in 1/2 hour. Will let you guys know what she says! Please pray for this heathen agnostic.

IS, it sounds like at the very least you need to establish some boundaries so the OW thing is not in your face all the time.

I'm glad you set up a DB coach session. I think it was time or past time.

I will pray for you.

When you "fight" for your M, you end up just "fighting". I used to be like you. My W would put up the wall and I would just keep battering at it. The problem is that the more I would attack, the stronger the walls became.

So instead, I became more like water. I looked for openings and took them. I looked for weak spots in the wall and got in that way. The holes come from observation and listening. Look for the holes and be like water.

"So instead, I became more like water. I looked for openings and took them. I looked for weak spots in the wall and got in that way. The holes come from observation and listening. Look for the holes and be like water."

That is flippin awesome advice, MrBond!

Thinking of you IS ((())))) This hard stuff I like what Mr Bomd said. I will look at it and see if it works. I did stop fighting and she at least talks to me even if in one word sentences.

Superb, Mr. Bond. Another post that needs to go into the Hall of Fame.