Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Husband Left...Part 2

Well, I am glad that the Thanksgiving is over. I am so exhausted from standing all day and cooking. My H came over for dinner. Which was nice. I was trying to stay detached from him, but he asked me what was wrong, I told him nothing. Then he gave me two great kisses. He did a lot of flirting tonight. He asked me if I had to work tomorrow, I told him no, so he wants me to stop by his apartment for a roll in the sack. But he wants to keep like friends with benefits. I am not really happy about this. So is this getting his cake and eating it too? Or is this his baby steps? Build our friendship first and go from there? I welcome any advice.

Thanks

I would say cake eating myself... I guess it depends on your H's sex drive, but if he's a typical guy this isn't baby steps it's about getting his needs met. Sex should be the last thing to come back on line, IMO. But then again what do I know?

BUT, you have something he wants obviously... i.e. sex. So maybe you can use that. Develop a plan to get where you want things to be and sex is somehwere in there.

Think of it this way... if you do go over and have sex what will it mean to you? Will you get more attached? If he pulls back and retracts from you will you hurt more? If so, then I wouldn't go there. Just my two cents.

Hopeful,

I think I pointed out early on that your man likes to pursue! That's why I believe he has wandered in the past when things got too stable.

Your detaching is working, he is coming around...do NOT be an easy catch. The harder he has to work to get you back, the more he will value you when he has you. If he flirts, you can flirt back, but be hard to get. Make other plans too. I think when he called you and overheard music and fun in the background, that was huge. You want him to think you are out having a good time right now. Do not give in. No sex for him, make him earn it or he won't appreciate it.

Honestly you want to make him pursue long enough and work hard enough that once he's back he's afraid to let go. Make him come back on your terms not his.

The fact that he's coming around proves that what you've been doing has been working, don't change course now! Keep detaching! Make him call you, end the conversation first. Make him wonder what you're up to.

Proud, strong, confident behavior right now. Act like you don't need him.

Accuray

(congratulations on the progress)

Ok. I screwed up. Here is my story.
Had H over for Thanksgiving Dinner. It went great. He was very flirty with me and we even made plans for me to come to his apartment for sex the next morning. And I did. Well in the middle of us having sex and I notice some hair clips on the window ledge in front of his bed. After we had sex, I asked who the hair clips belong to and don't tell me our D. He admitted that he was having sex with a coworker. It's been going on for about a month. But at first he looked me straight in my eyes and said it was a one stand. HE LIED!!!! After confessing to the his relationship with her. I asked if he was attracted to her and no but he said they were friends with benefits only. I asked when was the last time he had sex with her and he said a few days ago. I asked if you wore a condom and he said yes. I reminded him of the promise he made to me on the beach about he would not have sex with anyone as long as we were married. and he broke that promise. I don't think I can ever trust him again. I asked if he was going to continue having sex with her and he said he wasn't going to quit. He told me that he was divorced in his heart and I reminded him that we were still married and he cheated and lied to me. He said only in my world.

Ugh Hopeful, that's terrible. I'm so sorry to hear it. You really do need to cut H off -- no more affection of any kind. You REALLY need to make him pursue and work. Given all the lies he's told you, do you believe him about the condom? Be careful!

Accuray

Accurary--

I don't know what to believe any more. I feel like with all the lies he has told me through our relationship, I should just end all this by filing for divorce. If we got back together, how can I ever trust him again? How can I believe him at all.

Hopeful, so sorry to hear this. I agree with Accurary, cut H off on all affection and make him persue. You will really need to think long and hard about what it is you want now, and not just file for a divorce because of this. You need to give it some time before you make any decisions on anything. He may have been setting you up by having the hair clips there to get a reaction out of you.

Can I save my marriage? I do agree that I do need to go dark again. I don't know what to do anymore. I pray every night that God helps us to restore this marriage but instead i find out my H is cheating. How do I begin to heal from this? Just as I was healing from every thing else, this pops up.

Well... you're not going to want to hear this, but I don't think you should get all wrapped around the sex thing. I mean, it's up to your Hopeful, obviously, but it is what it is.

Yes you had an agreement... but did you both have that, or did he agree to get you to back off? He has left the relationship and despite his confusion he's still out. The rules about no sex are a form of controlling him.

With that said my W and I have the same agreement. Do I think she's honoring it? I have no clue. Would it be a deal-breaker for me if she wasn't? No. No it would not. Would it hurt? Yes. But it would not be a deal-breaker because the woman that is currently inhabiting my W's body is not who I know to be my W. I wouldn't get back, long-term, with this person. I would need her to work on change eventually.

You're trying too hard to save your M and not saving yourself. Save yourself. Grow yourself. Focus on your life and your daughter's life, put your energy there. Your dumping all this energy into a black hole that just consumes it because he gets his needs met.

Cut him off. Live your life. He wants to be D... let him experience what it truly is like. So far he gets his freedom and a little on the side too. Pretty sweet deal from his perspective.

The more I think about it Hopeful he's got you right where he wants you. As soon as he's willing to flirt, he can have you back in his mind. That allows him to do what he wants, and still know that you're there for him. You need to yank that rug out from under him. Don't be there for him, don't be an easy catch. I can almost guarantee that if you get back together now with this track record, he will cheat again. You need to earn his respect, and you do that by standing up for yourself. When you stand up for yourself and DON'T do what he says or what he wants, he will get angry / upset, and you'll feel like you're doing the wrong thing because you will want to appease him. Don't do it and see what happens. Let him be angry with you and sulk.

A layer down he's actually building respect for you. It like the schoolyard bully who you stand up to and then becomes your friend, it's about respect. You will get that respect through some difficult interactions. Pretend that what he needs or wants doesn't matter to you at all. No matter what happens, you're going to be happy.

Accuray