Its good he is honest, but maybe he still feels that there is something missing or lacking in your relationship. Of course you could not help but feel disappointed, but I hope you were not too rough with him (you said pushed him away), as this may start the cycle of lying and hiding again, with the justification that it will just hurt you. Detachment, low expectations should still be your mantra at this point. They help pave the road home for his heart (since he has never left).
If you look at the stages, truly, they do overlap and during recovery, the MLC'er goes back and forth as well.
Since my H is also seeming on the way out of the tunnel, I also tell myself not to expect too much; steel myself to not react if he backslides, and just keep my fingers crossed that I could do what I say ; )
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
As a husband with a higher sex drive than my wife, I'd be the grumpiest muther f-er in the world without...taking matters into my own hand.
Is that too much information? pfffpt. There is a point to be made here.
More info: Seeing two women together is a fantasy, and like some guys and some women I find it very attractive. However it is a fantasy and it is not something I want or desire of my wife.
There is a difference, its a big one. I don't want my wife to do that, but its still something I enjoy the concept of.
Guys are visual. Again; guys are visual. To this end that is why porn is so popular with guys.
Can it be addictive? Absolutely anything can become addictive. Is he replacing you with porn? If so then there is a problem. Is he using porn because you're not in the mood?
You know the answers to this better than any of us here. And it's not an answer you need to type out.
The world can talk about the difference between men and women, Mars and Venus...in this?
It can be a difference in high libedo and low libedo and that is not gender specific.
Is porn cheating? Is thinking of Brad Pitt during sex cheating? (Cause if it is, I guess I have been cheating ) (j/k for the peanut gallery go ahead and throw your easy insults)
Ultimately is he with you C? Take a look at his fantasy, is that really something you want to do? He might not want you too, and that is why it is a fantasy, and not reality.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
J3B, you have a point there. I am a doctor, so I have no inhibitions about this topic. Yes, taking matters into your own hands is actually a very normal thing. And women do it too. Not excluding myself. Its a biological urge, not gender specific, but truly, tied to libido and drive. I learned to do this as a child, not even knowing what it was about, just that it was pleasurable. And I discovered as I grew older that my classmates and friends knew it too. None of us were sexually active at that time (early teens).
The things that affect this are usually religious, and I understand, being Catholic myself.I used to be so guilty about it.
But maturity and understanding and medical knowledge helped me get over this.
Part of loving is accepting each other as sexual beings, and not letting our hang-ups and inhibitions color our judgement of our spouses.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
I was really upset by the porn because I was raised that we hold women sacred. I'm Oglala and it's sacrilege in traditional culture. I have a difficult time reconciling his need to look at these images, while he is married to me. It makes me feel as if I'm not enough for him.
On the other hand, I can logically understand that men are visual and they look at porn because they enjoy looking at a woman's body. I get that. But i can't ignore how it makes me feel uncomfortable.
Not sure how to handle this, because part of me feels it is wrong, and the other part can understand where it comes from for a man.
I am SO happy he was honest with me... which means he's not going behind my back. He may start going behind my back again now, because of my reaction. (I cried about it)
He felt awful for hurting my feelings, but is that going to stop it? I doubt it.
I also can't live in a situation where I say "Go ahead and do this, but just don't tell me about it".
he explained to me yesterday in his words what he felt about it...
"It had become sort of an addiction to just look for awhile"
No, he's not choosing porn over me, he's still very much wanting to be intimate and it's been great.
He's watching amateur videos that women are putting up online of themselves, it's not just pictures.
I don't know why this has to be a battle, it doesn't. He knew how much I didn't like porn before he married me, and how it was a key in my ex destroying my first marriage.
It's really his choice if he wants to view it and my choice if I want to put up with it.
I can understand the primal need for a man to view it, but I won't tolerate continual lying...and his porn viewing comes at a time when he had an EA on me.. it feels like I'm falling apart... but I'm supposed to continue putting up with more and more I guess. I don't know.
that's like saying, he's only hurting your feelings and pushing your personal beliefs you hold sacred.... but at least he's not out snorting crack and robbing banks. OK. lol whatever...
Being intimate is one thing, but is there anything YOU've done to spice up the bedroom?
Well, I've pretty much done everything possible to keep saving my marriage. But with continual lying that has destroyed my trust, I don't know how long I'm willing to do anything.
Maybe I need to figure out what I want for a change....
I'd say that I've stayed pretty consistent with what I've been doing, aside from the couple of times I fell apart, which I think is normal given the situation.
I've been doing the heavy lifting in my life since I was six years old. I guess I'm getting tired.
H came to me and told me flat out (which has been covered in my main thread) that he went crazy and now regrets it, and that there will be no more lies or things behind my back. In fact, he has told me what a fool he is, how he does not deserve me, won't hurt me again, etc. We've actually been closer than ever lately, then ... more lies surface.
I'm at a point where I'm not sure how much longer *I* am willing to go down this path. I've definitely been doing the heavy lifting since July 3. I have to decide how many more lies I will put up with. Because I'm pretty sure they aren't going to end just on his say so.
You know, I come here for support... but if this is going to turn into a "what are you doing for your H, are you doing enough" forget it.
I've been through hell and I'm tired, and I'm in a bad place. My health suffers. I also found out that my hemoglobin went to a 8.0 and I have 2 bleeding ulcers from this. My hair has fallen out considerably. The summer is taken a toll on me physically.
I SHOULD be happy my h decided to stay. Right? That's what I wanted, more than anything. But I'm NOT happy... I'm sad, I'm not relieved. I feel sick inside.
BUT my H is happy... he's very happy as he says "to still be here, and that he didn't leave." And he wants me to roll over every day and be intimate.. and now I just don't care anymore.
I on the other hand feel like I'm the walking wounded who just fled a huge battle and Im' full of bullet holes. Sorry to be so dramatic but that's really just how it feels this week.
I have to start taking of me, and he will have to take care of himself. Guess I'm heading right back into withdrawal and detachment because I don't know what else to do.
I am not sure what is wrong with me, but it seems to be getting worse.
) (j/k for the peanut gallery go ahead and throw your easy insults)