Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Never thought I would be the one to file

I know how you feel. The beautiful picture of a family with a mom & dad. That was the dream.

You know you will be fine. That you can manage somehow but what about your children. How can your H not want to give them the picture you envision of a family!?

It sounds like you understand what must be done legally & financially "for the kids" but it aint easy. You should feel bad about this. Your H is the one acting weird not feeling that bad about it and going on a nice vaca.

I think you can deal with these difficult legal & financial matters in a way which you protect yourself & your kids but are also not being aggressive towards H.

I think if you are graceful and slow moving with the process, thinking carefully how to take each step you can leave the door open a crack for H. Use this crisis to show yourself how cool you can be under pressure.

This is kind of corny but sometimes I pretend like I am in a movie before I see my H. And I act as if I am a sophisticated female star and nothing can get me to crack.

Hang in there. It will get better

Don't have much to add but encouragement. Go for it he made the bed, now he must sleep in it.

Remember often the WAS runs to escape responsibity, he is running away from financial responsibility. Its not our job to punish the WAS, but it is not right for the LBS to enable them especially at the expense of themselves and more importantly the children.

also btw

there IS a chance of a recon, imo. But I think that chance is enhanced, not lessened, by you filing.

I rarely say that but it so happens that when the kids actually NEED to have support and the reality, not punishment or teaching a lesson, etc but just

REALITY forces the LBSer to file, then REALITY forces the WAS to stare at their choices.

The more separate from the legal stuff the LBSer can remain - the better.

So even though it seems dark right now, I believe the chance that exists for a recon,

is NOT decreased by you filing.

I truly believe no one gets divorced b/c an LBSer filed

that was not going to divorce anyhow.

paige - I have some first hand experience in this scenario. My W was a WAW and was having an (at least emotional) affair. She declared M over and that she was just there for the kids, etc. this went on for about 18 months until she moved out.

I was where you are - I wanted desperately to do anything I could to save the M and keep our family together. The impact on my 4 kids was a huge concern and I was so angry at how selfish she was acting, etc etc.

In the end she moved out (in her mind 'temporarily' I think) and I FILED in response, even though I truly believed in my marriage vows and would have never dreamed I would do such a thing. However, I took comfort in the fact that I thought I did everything I could and that God permits divorce when betrayal/affairs occur.

25years is right. Filing doesn't cause D. It was headed there anyway. In my case it is ultimately what gave me a chance to save my M it turns out! I never expected that, but everything else I tried doing before that wasn't working.

By the time I filed I was ready to move on but still loved my wife. I didn't file for manipulative reasons - I did it to protect myself financially/legally. At one point nearly a year later she wanted to COME BACK and 'forget the whole thing' meaning the D, her affair, etc. I was floored, but realized I had received advice that this would likely occur and it really happened.

by that time I had moved on and was not interested. However, it was the scenario I would have done ANYTHING to have for the longest time.

So, filing for D won't cause a divorce, but it might be the only hope of saving your marriage ironically.

Also, don't mess around and make sure you retain that L and have them immediately file a temporary support order for child support AND alimiony. It can be done immediately and a hearing scheduled and even if he doesn't pay, it will start piling up a debt to you and if you do D and have to do a final settlement creates great bargaining power for you (and a more favorable settlement ultimately since he will owe you back support).

I hope you are right because while I don't want to stay married to this H I don't want a D.

L called and wants me to come back to review the paperwork and they are going to serve him ASAP. He is going to be very suprised that I filed. I am curious how he is going to justify this to his friends and family, because you know he is going to be mad and I will be the bad guy. But all I am asking for is child support and help with the marital debt. I mean that is how it works right?

Paige, I'm sorry it's come to this for you but I definitely agree with the others -- Filing might be the catalyst that eventually brings your H to the realization that he doesn't truly want a D. It might not happen overnight but if it's going to happen, this will most likely begin the thought process that will lead him home.

I know I haven't posted in awhile but my H and I are still together and things are going really well. I listened to the advice on the forum and followed it even when it felt uncomfortable, and even when I was afraid. I've asked my H about his thought process during the time from the bomb drop to when he admitted he wanted to reconcile and now I know without a doubt that as soon as I began validating his reasons for wanting a D, didn't fight him on it, and in fact told him I would pack up his clothing, it all didn't look so appealing to him anymore. So trust me, the advice you receive on the forum works.

Don't be afraid of doing the right thing for yourself or your children. Stay strong and don't cave into your H's anger. Whatever happens, you will look back and be thankful that you stood for your M and for your children and remained in control. Good luck, Paige!

Thank you everyone it really means a lot to me to have your support especially from people that have made it out to the other side.

this has been a really rough few days for me I don't think I have cried this much since H told me he was done and wanted a D. All I wanted to do tonight was come home from work and watch Prince of Persia with the boys. Of course that didn't happen....

First my mother dropped by I don't know why i even expect to receive support from her. She is happy to throw money around but a heartfelt I am sorry or what can I do is never going to happen. I need to just understand that is all she is capable of giving.

Then H called and wanted to discuss the holidays. He wants to have the kids on Christmas eve.... I am devasted. I know that is how it is but I can't imagine waking up on Christmas morning without my babies. He said it was his day to have them because yes he gets them every sat night. He asked me what I wanted to do about christmas and I said if I had a choice I wanted them to wake up here at the house. You know like they have every other year of their lives. Then of course he was the martyr and fine you can have them. But next year it is going to be different. One of us will have to feel left out.

Our kids are 4 and 7 I do not understand why we can't figure out a way to have a holiday together. he is telling me we will have to split birthdays too. I can't imagine not seeing my boys on their birthday. I don't understand where he is coming from. he said my family makes him feel awkward and that this house doesnt' feel like his home because he doesnt' have a key. YOU DON'T LIVE HERE......... So now he needs a key to be able to come and watch the boys open presents?? I am not saying hang out all day. Then he was making some comments about how he doesn't want to come over because I will get the wrong idea. That we are never going to be together again. I said I don't want to be with you. Said it about 3 times. felt good.

he said it was hard to see me, um you left me remember? He was talking in circles alot. Apparently my family makes him feel awkward and they are not his family anymore. That is total crap. His family live in England and my family have really taken him in and that is very hurtful for him to say. I am not mad at his family I don't feel awkward to see them. what does his family have to do with our failed marriage? Then he said I know you talk to my mom and I know what you said. I have said nothing bad about him at all so I have no idea what he meant at all. Wouldn't tell me either?

then he started in on thanksgiving. A few weeks ago he told me he wasn't going to see the boys at all, which I thought was wrong. I told him several times he could see them for part of the day. No he was going to his friends. But now today wants to see them ok fine just let me know what time so I can figure out what time to have dinner. I told him again I would never keep him from seeing the boys and I wish he could see them more I wish he could see them everyday. I said they miss you and he said he really missed them. It is nice to hear he has some feelings.

Then he asked me if he wanted to take the boys to England would I let him. I really didn't know what to say because I don't want to. The idea of that scares me to death. What if he didn't bring them back? What if he just decided to stay there with the boys and his OW?? I don't think he would do that but I didn't think he would cheat on me and leave me the way he did either. right now I don't feel like I know him at all. I finally said I wouldn't like it but how could I say no? I did ask the lawyer about that and she said he could petition the court and a judge would allow it and all it would do was cause hard feelings between him and I.

I am just exhausted with this situation. I really am. How did my life turn into such a circus?

I don't understand why he is acting like he hates me and can't stand to be around me. HE is the one that left...

Paige, I don't know if I've ever commented on your sitch, but it is one I've kept up with. Like so many of the ladies on here, you inspire me with your strength and grace. You are an excellent mother; every decision you make seems to be with your children's best interests in mind and never fueled by emotion. I hope you give yourself credit for the way you have handled things.

Your husband dumped a lot on you to think about - birthdays, holidays, etc., and I think it's because you shook him up by filing. Thinking about all those things is totally overwhelming and not what you need to be worrying with. When he tries to bring up the subject again, I'd suggest that he send his proposed visitation schedule to your lawyer and you'd go from there. Leave the worrying with schedules, etc to your lawyer and spend this time connecting with your children and taking care of yourself.

Paige, you did what you had to do to take care of your children and yourself. That is so very admirable. Keep up the excellent work!

do not let him take the kids out of the country without a clear custody order-preferably one granting YOU Primary custody and his taking them only with your consent for a temporary visit overseas..

otherwise, getting him to return the kids after taking them out of the country is a major hassle for you that will be costly.

Sure, in the end you'll probably prevail in getting him for child abduction (Which is what it would be) but only at great cost in money and time. Time spent there with him and OW is not time that's good for the boys. Too much upheaval and weirdness....

I don't think you need to keep reminding him that you don't want him back unless you really don't.

But if you have hopes, however remote, of a reconciliation, you want to keep the road home paved and smooth.

I can't help but wonder if some of his comments about the awkwardness of the families and how tought holidays are going to be, are aimed at finding out how hard it would be for him to return to you....

Maybe you can do some serious forgiveness work, and let go of the problems even if just for a few days. You can always take back your anger and carry it with you, AFTER the holidays...

Get him to learn to RELAX as much as possible around you and the kids, NO expectations, just low key LOVING WAARMTH & FUN

so that you two AND the kids can learn to be in the same room without any weird tension or sadness or conflicts.

Let them be happy as a family this one last Christmas.

The more relaxed your h is around you (rent comedies and make it about the kids and NO r talk, all Div talk is tabled for the holidays)

Then see if you can build on those moments, and have other memories resurface.

((( )))

Thanks lc4. That really means a lot to me. All I want is to be a good mother and those boys are my life. I don't think H understands that I have been putting the boys and their feelings before mine. The crazy part is he doesn't even know I have filed yet. I have to go back and see the lawyer on Thurs to finalize the paperwork and then they will serve him. I don't know if he just started thinking about the holidays or what is going on with him.

25 when I told the lawyer I wanted custody she told me in FL neither parent is given custody that you come up with a parenting plan and there is joint parenting responsiblity unless it would be harmful to the children. You come up with a timesharing plan. Timesharing.... It is not a vaca
I really dont think he would take them and not bring them back but it scares me.

The reason I told him I didnt' want him is because he kept saying we weren't together and we wouldn't be ever again and making comments that he doesn't want to be around me and the kids at the same time because he doesn't want me to think he wants to get back together. I kept saying I was thinking of the kids not my feelings and I didn't understand why there wasn't some things we could all do together. Then he was talking about when I have a boyfriend or he has a girlfriend. He is so far checked out of our relationship that I don't see him coming back.

I never try to talk to him about us or trying again. He is very confusing to me.