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I second gmom's desire to just run away. I would sincerely like to fast forward to January. However since I can't I'm going to make some pies and a sweet potato casserole with my D7 tonight, take her to her dad's tomorrow, drop the casserole off at the church for the supper, pick my grandma up at 12 and go back to the church for Thanksgiving. At 7 my D7 gets back from her dad's and we will have some pie. Not my first choice by a long shot but its better then curling up in a ball in bed and having a pity party. Life goes on is some fashion or other.

I hope everyone's Thanksgiving was wonderful!

We had a very nice time. I chose to just go with the flow, make what I could, and be 'personality plus' with my family. I never had any intention of asking why I wasn't included in the planning, and I didn't ask. There just didn't seem to be any point to it anyway.

Yesterday was Marc's 17th birthday. I am amazed every day that he has come through this craziness relatively unscathed. He was just barely 13 when this started. We let him do whatever he wanted all day and then we took him to dinner and got him a new airplane model to put together and a movie. He's sitting at the table putting the model together right now. He loves to show me his progress as he goes. Cracks me up, he still looks for praise on every little part of what he's doing. I make sure to give it to him without going overboard. LOL

There is an internal battle I wage with myself every day. I'm afraid it will go for the rest of my life, but I'm finding new ways to put it aside. Yesterday I put all of my inside Christmas decorations up. As I was unpacking the boxes and picking out what I would and wouldn't use this year I kept having flashbacks to the few years past. Sitting in the middle of the living room floor crying hysterically over "Our First Christmas" ornaments (I've since given them all away), throwing out all the ornaments that had any sentimental value to me (except Marc's baby ornaments - let's not be crazy!).
Remembering the incredible kindness found in the wonderful people here that I've never met in person but who were so generous as to contribute to making Christmas a wonderful occasion for Marc and I in a particularly bleak year. So many memories that have both good and bad ties. I've been finding it easier to put away the bad ones and concentrate on the blessings.


So, as we all have learned, every day brings ups and downs and we have to find a way to cling to the ups with all our might!

The downs may cause me days or weeks of pain, but they won't win.

I can relate to the sentimental attachment to things. I've left behind or gotten rid of several things because there was some memory or other attached to it. I left behind gifts exh got me and all his old letters and cards to me. I found some when I moved to my new house and gave those to the exh when we exchanged our D7. I don't know what he did with the stuff and I don't really care. I just know it is not here reminding me of the way things were.

I'm finding that the emotional divorce is much more difficult than the physical divorce.

Mishka,

I want to tell you something. Just a few years ago - I didn't ever think I could be totally happy again. That I would never be able to let go of the heartache. I spent my first 2 or 3 Christmases in tears (I tried to hide it from the kids) but for me - it was OVER!

But time really does heal the wounds. It's ok to grieve your losses from time to time and surely the holidays brings it back freshly in some moments. But there are new things happening. New beginnings.

I never thought life could be as happy as it used to be. But for me - it is actually better. As much as I missed our "family" times so much - the truth is that he was pretty much a "dickhead" at Christmas. He always drank too much, slept too much and in general - did stupid things to mess it up. He yelled a lot when things weren't perfect. He would "slip up" and mention buying something that was supposed to be from Santa despite the fact I did 90% of the cooking, cleaning, buying, wrapping associated with the holidays. He did buy me some nice gifts but he really wanted credit for his part.

So - I don't miss that time at all except that it was the time my kids were small. And maybe this year I will get up the nerve to actually watch those videos.

Hang in there Miska - you're doing great. And I promise you - it will keep getting better.

Barb

So let's call it what it is......avoidance! LOL

I've avoided updating anything because my mama always taught me to keep a smile on my face and suck it up. I hate being a whiner so I try super hard to just shut up but we all know how bad that really is for you and for those around you.

Things are going well with Gabe. We spend time together, we have fun and I just noticed something recently that seems to make him happy. He always has asked me why I love him. In the past my answer was typically "because you are you." (coward answer) or "because you love me" (even more cowardly answer). I have a hard time pinpointing reasons. How do you define a feeling? I have finally realized that he wasn't asking me to describe a feeling, he wanted specific answers so he would know what to continue doing!!! Good grief I'm dense!!! Gabe has a very quick wit. It's dry and unless you know him well you wouldn't catch it always. My mom never could understand if he was joking or not and would sometimes get offended by the sarcasm he sometimes uses. I personally think he's hilarious...in a subtle way. A couple of weeks ago he said something totally off the cuff that had me practically rolling. Once I recovered from that I looked him in the eye and told him, "that is one of the many reasons I love you. No one can make me laugh the way you do." The smile in his eyes when I told him that showed me how important that was to him. That made me start paying closer attention to his little actions and I've made a point of telling him more often just how much what he says and does plays into my feelings for him.

Good grief! If only I had noticed all of this years ago.

Now, of course, that doesn't mean that I'm getting my needs met but maybe through this I can voice what I need from him more freely. That remains to be seen. You all know how impossible it seems to me to tell anyone what I want or need.

Barb - Your comment about how your xh was always a 'dickhead' at Christmas made me laugh. Gabe always has been too but not in quite as extreme a fashion as yours. Gabe hates Christmas and all holidys because he grew up in a family that did nothing but drink, get in fights, and cry at every holiday or family gathering of any kind. I can't even imagine how scarring that would be. He laughs at my family because we are so 'white bread'. You know all those Hallmark card, Norman Rockwell Christmases? Yep, that was always my family. I told him I introduced some latin blood into my family to give us a little more flavor! He's not buying it but.......

Yes Mish, we guys love to hear how we make you happy. And if you tell us we'll do more of it!

Mishka!!!!! OMG dear. It's been forever. Found you, caught up.

What a ride you've been on!!!!!

I'll start with your great realization about Gabe - YAY!

As for Thanksgiving: guess his dry sense of humor fooled you as well; maybe your family was trying to not pressure you because they know you are struggling and just wanted you to come and be fed!

Sorry to hear you are struggling so much. My electric has gone up, but not my water. That's crazy how much yours went up! Not a good place to be. But it won't last forever.

Mich!!!!!!! I've missed you! I keep up with you on FB to see what you're up to but I miss your updates here.

What's been going on chica?

Posted on my thread so I'll just leave ((((hugs)))) here.