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Yes.

But you can use that as an advantage. Knowing their next move makes it easier to deal with the anxiety and stress of their actions.

MrBond...thank you for your insight. I feel like a light has gone off in my head and I am beginning to see how I have been her little B***h for a long, long time.

Yesterday (Wednesday) I dropped my D2 off at the daycare my wife just got fired from. She's not too keen on the idea that my kids are still going there now that she's gone. I get a HUGE discount because she used to work there and I guess the owner likes my kids.

Wednesday is the day that we trade off the kids. I will drop D8 off at school and D2 off at daycare. Since she was fired I started taking my D2 over to my W's place...which is way out of my way and often times I'm late to work.

My W has vowed to never set foot in the daycare again. Well, yesterday I vowed to not be a lifetime-movie-channel victim anymore, so I dropped my D2 off at daycare. It's easier for me. It's a minute and half drive from my house. It's also 4 blocks from my D8's school.

I start getting these text messages from the W...."Who's picking up D2, I'm not going in that place", "Also, I have to sell my iPad", "Are you picking her up, or do I need to get someone else to", "?", "?", "Will you pick up D2?". After not receiving a response she started calling me over and over again. Finally, I just turned off my phone.

When it comes to the kids I will do ANYTHING I have to do to take care of them. This time, however, was not an emergency. Basically the W did not want to go into a place where she was fired. Whether it was pride, embarrassment, or the avoidance of taking responsibility...I don't know. But guess what? I have to deal with uncomfortable and difficult situations every day.

I did drop by the daycare before they closed to make sure someone picked up my D2. Someone did, however they were not on the list of people that could pick her up. They let it happen because they know my W personally. Here's the thing. I'm paying for daycare...not her. I am going in to talk the the owner about who is allowed and not allowed to pick up my kids. If I'm paying, the I make that decision. I'll be reasonable about who can pick them up. There's not way in the holy blue hell that I'm going to let her boyfriend (assuming she has one) or someone like that pick up my kids. THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!!

I never responded to her and I feel like a jerk because I wouldn't normally do this. I believe that I was right by staying silent. That's something that I would like advice on. This is very uncomfortable for me and I'm new at navigating this approach.

By the way, what does selling her iPad have to do with anything? Just kidding. I know. She wants me to swoop in and save the day by giving her money. Am I right?

You are right to not give her money. You are NOT right in ignoring her when it comes to something about your kids. It comes across as petulant and passive-aggressive, and it would have been better for you to call her (or text her) back and say "I have decided that it would be better if you picked her up at the day-care, as I can no longer be late for work. Please let me know when you have her, so I'll know she's been picked up. Thanks."

Or similar.

When it comes to fight-picking or R talks, yes, ignore those. If it's neutral stuff, answer it later, when you're not busy, starting with a "sorry, been really busy and just saw this," etc. But if it's about your children, you should absolutely be communicating with her, and I'm sure your attorney would tell you the same thing.

Starsky

Starsky...thank you. That makes sense. Your post reminded me that I was in a similar situation once before....I should've known better. Lesson learned. I'll do better next time.

David, I'd recommend you look into articles and books on co-parenting. Right now it looks like you are heading to a long and painful existence with the kids caught as victims in the fight.

Take the pick up issue... You are asking your w to handle pick up, what right then do you have to dictate who does it? She is the parent too btw... Just b/c you're paying for it doesn't matter a hill of beans. You ask her to do something and she agrees to do it then you don't really get to dictate the terms. Now obviously if there is a safety issue or a concern that some new bf is abusive or whatever that's different, but just bc a guy is dating your w or xw doesn't make him bad or evil.

Should she be able to swallow her pride and get the kids? Yes. But if she doesn't you can't make her. And absolutely don't use the kids as a weapon or a pawn in issues. Co-parenting requires respect for the other, so you're going to have to find a way to get there.

Can you recommend any good books?



I should have explained this a little better. I'm a bit concerned how easy it was for someone to pick up my D from daycare. The person that picked her up, which I trust fully, has never been to that daycare before and they just let her take my D because they said my W said it was okay. No phone call. Nothing. Now my W has had a creepy guy follow one of her friends to her house. Then he came knocking on the door at 1:30 in the morning asking my W to come out to the parking lot because he was fixing a guy's truck. This is one of the reasons why I want to know who is picking up the kids. I talked to the daycare and they said I could give them a list of who can pick up the kids. If they are not on that list, then daycare will call me before they release them. My W will have input as far as who is on this list. However, she will not answer phone calls from the daycare. In fact, she won't even go and pick up her last check. That is why I want to be in control of who picks my D's up. Not to be an a-hole. But, I have a genuine concern.

Now about the boyfriend picking up my girls. My problem with that is that my D8 has severe anxiety and sees a therapist. She is having a hard time with this whole thing. Her counselor told me that my D is having a real hard time because she thinks her mom may be dating. That is why I don't want to have a boyfriend pick them up. For my D's emotional and mental state.

So, I feel like I am protecting my daughter. Is that wrong?



God I hope I'm not using the kids as a weapon or a pawn. I am not intending to do so. If I am then please smack me with as many 2x4's that you can find. I need to reevaluate some things to make sure I'm not doing this.

As far as her and I co-parenting. I think we do a good job. I can see where there needs to be some improvement. My number one goal is to be the best dad ever and I don't want to do anything to hurt my kids. I don't want to do anything to hurt my W.

I can see where my approach to things can be passive-aggressive. Thanks for pointing that out. Even if she never comes back I want to be able to look in the mirror and know that I did everything I could and gave it my all.

I took my vows which included for better or for worse. This part is the "worse". I'm sticking by her until she divorces me. More than I want her to come home, I want her to figure out whatever it is that she needs to figure out. I want to see her happy. I know that being around her right now is hurting that process more than it is helping. When things are rough and everything is going wrong, that's when people need to be loved the most. She's going through some hard times. I want to be the rock that she needs. I want to help see her through this. I know all I can do right now is work on me. I can't control her, I accept that now.

I'll be the first to admit that I need some guidance during this process. I'm not going to pretend like I know what I'm doing.

Well, let me tell you from personal experience that I think I've said these very words about a dozen times. Each time I mean it but each time I end up not being very good at it You get better over time at it, but don't think that it will be just because you say it.

I understand that bit about your D, but it's not really germane to the discussion. So your w didn't call, but what if she did? What if she had called and said "Jim is going to pick up my D tonight and I authorize it." She's a parent and has the right to do that. Short of a court order, a restraining order against the bf, or taking her custodial rights away you can't stop her. Don't rely on the phone call/lack of phone call as the reason. It's seems clear to me from reading the post that what you're really angry about is losing control over who your d interacts with. But it's a reality you have to face.

Tonight while talking to my w we discussed life after D and other guys. She vows she has no interest in another R and needs to be alone. Ok. Does it drive me crazy thinking about some other guy in my S's life and influencing him? Yes. Can I do anything about that? Nope. So I can either be driven crazy, live in fear of it, and then be driven by that fear to do very unwise things which drive my W away even further and faster. Or I can accept it, hope for the best, and move on.

Now... if you truly have concerns that your W's mental health is not good for your D that changes the equation. Then you may need to seek sole custody, approved visitation, etc... but that's a pretty big step to take.

Sorry HWG, I'm going to have to disagree on some of this. I understand what you are saying. I really do. However, I know for a fact that some guy is doing some weird things that is freaking my W out. This guy has never met my W before, he has only seen her. He followed one of his friends over to my W's place to see where she lives. Her friend didn't even know that he was following her over there. Then he shows up at 1:30 am, acting all weird and trying to get my W to come out of her apartment and into the parking lot. From what I understand, he wasn't taking no for an answer and kept on about it. Thankfully my W had one of those chain things on the door that would not allow her to open it up all the way. My W was worried to the point that she called to police. She carries mace around. Apparently the guy has some mental problems. I don't know about you, but to me, there are some red flags there that I should pay attention to. Who knows what this guy is thinking.

The person who did pick up my D the other day just walked in and said my W said it was okay. The took a copy of her ID, but once she had the kids, having a copy of an ID is not going to keep them safe. Which is my point. Keeping them safe. What's to say that whacko guy wouldn't do something like that. I think he's already shown some irrational behavior. This is why I want the daycare to call someone. Look, I'm fairly certain I know who my wife is dating. If the daycare called me and said he was there to pick up the kids, then I would say okay. Would I like it? Hell no, I wouldn't like it, but I know they are safe. If a situation occurred where "Jim" (an guy I'm not aware of) came in and said my W said it was okay, then they would call me...I would call or text my W to see if it was true. If true, then I would authorize it.

It would be foolish of me to just ignore the actions of crazy guy. I do not know what he is capable of doing. In fact, I guarantee my wife will appreciate the fact that the daycare doesn't even attempt to call her. She will appreciate my concern for the kids and it will ease her mind as well.

I can fix this situation easily. My W is going to give me a list of authorized people. I will add to this list and we will both go over it together so each one is aware of the list. If she authorizes someone that is not on the list then she will text me or call me and I will do the same. My W and I get along well when it comes to the children. We keep each other updated where the kids are. If she's not with them or one of them is having a sleep over elsewhere, then we communicate that. It's very important to us that everything is split 50/50 with the kids. I know she's a good mom. I question some of her decisions lately, but nonetheless she would never hurt her kids. She knows I'm a good dad. We respect each other tremendously in that regard.

Am I concerned about my D's anxiety issues? Who wouldn't be? I'm not going to deny that...I would prefer her mom keeps the boys away until some of this stuff blows over and the kids are more comfortable. Can I control that? I wish I could, but the answer is no. I mean, I don't even want my wife dating, but I'm not interfering with that either. I get all of that. It's painful and it stinks, but it's life.

I hope you understand that my actions are really about the safety of my D's. I don't want crazy guy coming and trying to pick them up. If my W trusts someone to pick up our kids, then I trust that they are good people. My W will never put our kids in danger.

If I was really angry about who my D's interact with, and I wanted to control that, I would throw a huge fit about my MIL watching them. She doesn't like me and we have a huge personality clash. I would never do that though. Even if I had full custody and the final say with everything concerning the kids, I wouldn't do that. For one, it's their grandmother. I can't take the kids away from their grandma. Nor could I take the grandma from the kids. That would be petty. I encourage my kids to see their grandma. When all is said and done, family is all we got.

Let's be honest here. There's a good chance that my W could marry some guy. Believe me, I've thought about it and have shed many, many tears over my D's having a stepdad. I'm their dad...not him. But, I know I'm their real daddy and they know that too. I can't be replaced. The only time I will have a problem is if he hurts one of my kids. However, if he takes good care or my kids, then I will respect him. I may not like him...but I will respect him.

There's more to this whole situation than just me. I really try to look at it from all directions and do what's right. However, I don't always know what that is. We win some and we lose some. The key is learning from your mistakes and move on.

I hope this makes sense and clears things up a bit. Feel free to disagree.

The list is fine. Establishing the list is fine. The list is a far cry from what you first said you were going to do:



Remember those words? Read them again and you should be able to pretty clearly see that your plan was, and maybe still is, to control your W's life. No one ever said crazy guy was going to be on that list. IMO you're using crazy guy as a proxy issue to rationalize control. But that's just my opinion.

But read your own words again. You clearly stated that you were going to control who she puts on that list, and you don't get to do that unless you have some type of solid evidence.

Also remember that you're the one who predicated this particular crisis but ignoring your W's questions about pick up. So, frankly, the "open communication about the kids" is some amount of bunk. Perhaps you usually openly communicate about the kids, but in this case you decided to use it as a power wedge against her. Then when she decided to solve it in her way it pissed you off. Perhaps that original post, much like the post I just made in my own sitch, was done out of immediate anger and being upset. And now you've had time to reflect which is a good thing. And its ok to post out of anger, and better to do it here than blast our WAS with the anger and hurt.

But remember that this will happen again, and next time your interaction with her may be immediate. How do you think this would've resolved if your interaction with her had been full of pain and anger like the original post?

As far as co-parenting... I'd start at Co-parenting 101 website and look through their offerings. There's lots there to process.

You're correct the first post was out of anger. I appreciate you calling me out on that. You made some good points that I'm going to have to really think about.

Thanks for the link.