Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Asking for Help / Advice Please

25yearsmlc -- Thanks again for the post. I had to print it out to make sure I answer it all. Plus, I'd like to have it to refer back to from time to time. Ok, here goes...

I guess the main thing that I am resisting regarding a formal recovery program is the fact that I don't feel like it would be very anonymous. I'm an attorney in a pretty small town with several clients in AA/NA and fear that it would hurt my professional reputation were I to attend meetings. I understand that there is a greater likelihood of staying sober in a more formal program. I've done pretty well so far though, minus a few setbacks in the beginning. I see my counselor tomorrow morning and will discuss this with him again.

See my post before, about that fear--which I also felt back then...


As for the dogs, you're right that I wanted to punish her under the guise of Shocking her or teaching her some sort of a lesson. I wish that I had not done that. However, after speakign to my C we said that since I had promised she could see them any time she wanted that should stand. So I texted her back and told her she could see them. I didn't specifically say that I wouldn't be there, but that's fine with me. When we spoke on Halloween I reminded her that she could see the dogs whenever she liked. I have them because she says she felt it was best for me to keep them and they would help me through all of this. While that's true, it's also true that she has two other dogs and she took those. The first, Twister, she got when she left me the first time. The second, Stormy, she got when she left the second time. Incidentally, the man she got Stormy from is the man she's dating now. Twister and Stormy are both pit bulls. She's very into showing and training pit bulls and so is the new guy. I kind of feel like she knew she wouldn't have time for the two I have so she just left them with me. It's a lot of work to get a dog ready for a show and fall is prime dog show season.

My C is a DB type. He's the one who turned me on to MWD and recommended the DIV REM book.

That's good to hear. But I thought he said something like "it's over" or words to that effect. Maybe I confused you w/someone else. Sorry if so.


I see what you are saying about the anger being a big problem. I let my anger at her having an affair keep us from getting back together. In going back and rereading the chapter on infidelity in DR, I see now how wrong I was and that she needed me to comfort her as much as I needed comfort as well. Not much I can do about that at the present moment I guess.

well as the 12 Steppers are apt to say "Mistakes are not 'tragedies', but God let me learn from them!" So learn from it, and change.


I've said some very hurtful things when i'm angry. That's been a big problem for me in the past. I wanted things done my way (selfishness) and got angry when it didn't occur that way. I also knwo what you are saying about getting fuzzy about me being a jerk. I (like all of us I guess) have a tendency to remember myself as being the "good" one and forgetting all the times that I acted like a hurtful jerk. Of course, she remembers all of those times, I'm sure.

Yes she will recall the bad and you'll get fuzzy about it..."Blacked out!" But it's hugely important that you face these things.

In a real 12 step program that would be part of your recovery, i.e., taking a fearless moral inventory of your wrongs and then making amends and owning them...(I never thought "fearless" was a good word for it since it was fearFILLED for me...but I digress...)


It's a BIG part of our being able to move on, and to forgive and be forgiven, and TO learn how to let go. Seriously...


And yes, I did behave just like her with the OW. I never should have been texting OW. I'd give anything if I hadn't done that. I don't know how to repair that damage now though?

see above about making amends, (even if not to her right now) and LEARNING from the mistakes.


I certainly need to be more honest, kind, calm, genuine and reliable. Do you think that by being in a 12 step program I can better accomplish those goals? I will speak to my C about it once more.

ABSOLUTELY!!!... I could NOT have done it without the program.

Perhaps I am projecting myself too much onto you b/c my experience was SUCH A big deal in my life. Truly had to do it their way & trust their process.

But see, I was pregnant when I had to get off pain killers. If not for the baby, who knows what I'd have done, or if ever?

I was hospitalized in a medically supervised manner for detox for the baby, and honestly, it was the most dizzying of experiences.

There were court ordered addicts there, criminals (could have been former clients), a lot of mentally ill, and some very sad broken people there.

I was in a "place" with some really bad wacky people...AND also some great but troubled people, including a few doctors too...quite the variety. Then I did the 90 meetings in 90 days. I shopped for the right group b/c of issues I share with you about the profession, plus sometimes at a group there were too few English speakers for me to understand, OR I'd feel too alienated, and it was tempting to give up and quit b/c "hey, I don't have much in common with THOSE people (the ones who had lost it all and were therefore easy to judge, as "losers")...

but also I eventually found a woman's only group b/c often there are a few men at some meetings, who are on the prowl for women!--God what a huge turn off when you are already in pain and worried that you'll be recognzied...

AND it distracts from real recovery (I wasn't showing at the time and I got hit on far too often for me to be honest and forthcoming and NOT distracted by feeling awkward).

Then I found a "professional's group" which was mainly nurses, Ls and teachers and that was GREAT for me. You'll find something like that for lawyers, engineers, doctors, etc. Find the right group. Don't stop til you do. It MAY mean driving 30 minutes or not being able to make a meeting every day. Some days I did NOT FEEL like going. But I never once regretted going. Even the weird "loser" meetings (=how I saw it back then)

always, I heard at least one thing I needed to hear.

Anyhow, the detox and follow up was the hardest, most physically unpleasant, saddest, funniest, AND spiritually most enlightening experience I had ever had...life changing...humbling in a profound way, and empowering too. Hard to explain...

I have never felt calm, more trusting in God, or the universe, or more grateful, even though I was terrified of what was coming. (Would the child be alright? Would my m survive? Would I lose my lic or career? So many fears!

I really learned for the first time in my life what "turning it over to God" meant...& even if you are not a believer,

the concept of letting go of what we cannot control, is extremely liberating.

Do what you CAN do, and then let it go...do your TRUE BEST and then, leave the results up to HIM...

THIS WAS A GIFT TO ME...a life time gift.

Well I Guess I've said enough? But remember, I don't get a commission! But I could probably do a commercial...



I think that's a good idea to get some GAL activities that involve people. I'm hoping the Habitat can do that. I like the community theater idea as well but I'm certainly no actor. Maybe I could do something behind the scenes?


YES! HELLO?? OMG YES...and if you have ever been in court, YOU HAVE ACTED...out of my first acting class, of 13, 5 were lawyers...

I said "but she works at..." because that's the way she sees it. She once worked at our vet's office and she was happy there. She constantly said she wanted to make more money and so I helped her to get the job at the community college. She hated it from the beginning and felt that I pressured her into taking it. There is probably some truth to that.

My work is going ok but I don't know that I'm "fulfilled". I'm really starting to dislike the practice of law through all of this. I'm successful at it and have a good client base and am on the partnership track at my firm. I really couldn't ask for much more, but something seems to be missing. I guess typing it out makes me realize what I've internalized for some time and maybe I will speak to my C about that as well.

Well if you are succeeding at it, you are better off than most Ls these days. IF you are not happy in it, know that there are tons of other areas of law that exist and you do not have to leave the whole profession to find your bliss...

AND please, take my advice on this one-- Find your bliss before you jump ship, b/c the job market for us right now is NOT a great one.



My parents wish I'd just quit wanting to get back together with my wife. My mom says "If she wanted to talk to you , she would" and to just get over it and move on. I think they are just tired of seeing me hurt so much. My W's mother probably feels the same way.

Hey it's human nature. And the books talk about it too. Others want us to move on and not repeat ourselves too much and in their defense, they want us to be happy so all they can think of is CHANGE people...change the R's...not change US b/c maybe that seems harder to do, or they love us and think the person hurting us must do all the changing.

I'm a mother of a 25 y/o man. His heart has been broken twice. The first girl who did it, I KNEW WOULD...just saying, my intution was weirdly accurate with her. The second one I had not met yet, but she is very ambitious and felt now was a "bad time to fall in love" etc.

So I want my son to move on. And I dont' even know HER!!


She dislikes me at the moment or at least she did over the dog thing. My W has told me in the past that her family would think she was crazy if we got back together.

Then you need to do the math and possibly make amends to them, IF applicable.

The "math" is this:

consistent change + sufficient time = change that can be believed.


I wish I had worked on a relationship with her family but I did not and it didn't concern me at the time. I know now that was wrong and her family are nice people and I should have done more to have a relationship with them. My W didn't do much to have a relationship with my parents either.

Why? What possible reason for this existed? And your wife did the same thing, why? To get even? People can SAY "you are not marrying the family" but they are begging for trouble.

Everyone I know who has been successfully married,

makes HUGE efforts to get along with inlaws. It's what you do.

Were you two the first real r's you each had had?

I guess I thought if she had seen me on her way to work the other day she might have started to miss me and then would text me as a result. That is crazy I guess.

I'm still not sure I got to everything in your post, but hopefully I got to most everything. Thanks again so much for your advice and insight. I like how on this site it seems that posts and responses are ready when I get up in the morning lol. it really gives me something to look forward to and starts my day out on a positive note. Thanks!

Ok, a bit of an interesting development today. The ex wife texted me and said "hi! how are you you? hope all is going well"

I about fell out of my chair lol. Anyway, I responded and said hello there, I'm doing very well thanks for asking. How are you?

No response as of yet, but I was very excited by this, so I had to share. Gonna DB if she keeps talking.

I asked if everything was ok and told her that i understood if i wasn't the person she wanted to talk to if something was wrong but I was here to listen if needed.