Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers A Bklyn tale

OK, I completely get where you are coming from. And I don't necessarily disagree. BUT, lets just assume for the sake of argument that your H is hoping that YOU make the first move. Now why would you want to play into his hand? Wouldn't that be pursuit?

OK, so you call your H, the kids speak to him for some time. Then what? What if he chooses to go dark again after that. Then what are you going to do?

Yes, he is leaving you not the kids but how do you really see an exchange with your H playing out after him being absent for over a week? Can you make your husband be present or is it something he has to choose to do?

I'm just posing the question to get you to think this through.

Whatever decision you ultimately make will be the right decision for you.

Wishing you all the best!

Thanks Paige and 2tp for your support.

Guess what? H called this morning at breakfast. Said he was working all weekend that he was very busy and that he is very tired. I am relieved that he called.

He told our D that he couldnt be here to see her because he was working hard to pay the bills. I gave him a run down of our activities for the week. Told him parent teacher conferences were this week. He said "too bad I will miss it because I am in Atlanta" He is so strange. He is acting like he is just working and not leaving his family. But whatever, I dont say that to him. I just tell him what a great job he is doing for our family financially. He is very proud that he is able to "pay the bills" and "bring home the bacon". So I need to just reaffirm that & let him know I think that is very manly & valuable.

What a difference from where I was a few months ago?! I said things in July to him like "You think all you have to do is pay the bills and the girls dont need a father" ...etc etc

So glad I found this program. I feel so much better about myself because I can handle his behavior, think about it & make a well thought out decision as to my next step, versus react quickly and over the top. It is a great lesson to learn in life for many sitcuations.

I will have other set backs in life, I feel much better able to handle those set backs. To deal with them and not try to numb it out.

Thanks again everyone.

You're so right BklynMom, it really does help to have the tools to handle these situations better. I feel a little stronger each day and hope that even if something happens to knock me down again, it won't be as devastating or I can pull myself up a bit faster.

Hang in there!

I have been thinking a lot over the past few days about how when this started I wanted to prove to everyone that I was done wrong. That my H left me for no good reason and with no heads up.

I was angry. How could someone do this to me? He needs to change his mind.

I started to think about the sitch differently once I imagined that in May I had received a life threating diagnose from a doctor. How would I behave if I had to battle a illness. Would I be bitter & angry? Who would I blame?

Most of the time there is no one to blame. I cant blame myself and I cant blame someone else.

I am just starting to stop blaming my H. To see our M as more like a sickness that can be cured if the right steps are taken. However it may not be cured in which case I want my days in limbo to be happy ones.

I only get one shot and I have to play the hand I am dealt the best I can.

"I am just starting to stop blaming my H. To see our M as more like a sickness that can be cured if the right steps are taken. However it may not be cured in which case I want my days in limbo to be happy ones."

Good attitude, Brooklyn! Make sure you keep up your search for the right cure. It is out there!

"I only get one shot and I have to play the hand I am dealt the best I can."

Sounds like "25" has made an impact on you!

Hi BM,

Sounds like you are making a lot of progress! Keep it up. I can see just from reading all your thread the difference in your emotional state of mind and the increase in positive attitude. That is great!

I have read all your posts and we have a lot of similarities both in personality and our situations. I am finding inspiration for how well you are doing in such a short time. This is definitely a rollercoaster ride and nobody knows when it will end.

I know there is no OW in your case, but I also have very young kids - 4, almost 3 and 4 month old.
I am also hot-tempered and my H is more of the non-verbal type.
He was always walking on eggshells due to my outbursts and our constant arguing.
He said he felt unhappy for a long time and finally had it.

I also didn't appreciate him, took him for granted and didn't show him love or respect.

I wasn't mature enough to realize that our M required work. I was too resentful about our situation and harbored a lot of anger and preferred to be right. Didn't realize how bad he was hurting...

When he left, I first got angry - how could he not tell me before it was too late? How could he do this with our kids being so young? We had just bought a house and we had been trying to get pregnant for a year... In other words, I blamed him.

The truth is that there were warning signs - I didn't see them and probably chose not to to protect my ego? The truth is that he did try to talk to me - couldn't reach me. I was too angry...

So he finally snapped and gave up. When I told him I was pregnant, he felt trapped and desperate (he told me later on).

Like you, I made a lot of mistakes during our M - he tried and I pushed him away. I withheld affection, sex, emotional connection. I just took him for granted and abused him emotionally and tried to punish him because I also felt abandoned, hurt and angry.

We also didn't communicate well - I would demand things and he would shut down because I would not listen.
I also worked too much and once we had kids, things started to deteriorate quickly.
I am telling you - we have a lot of similarities.

There are also cultural differences in our case. I come from a Latin family background - very loud, opinionated and in each other's business within the family. He comes from a German background, had an alcoholic father, so everyone in his family is conflict-averse. Raising one's voice is a definite no, no for him. That also hurt our M tremendously... As soon as I would raise my voice, he would tune me out.

The problem - I rnow ealize what I did, but he wants nothing to do with me. He has said he thinks our R is beyond repair - regardless of OW... My job will be to hopefully change his minds thru my actions - slow and consistent changes so he can believe he can have it all with me - the family he is leaving and a great, loving R with his wife and not OW...

My H started an EA before moving out. I believe that this OW started showing him that his life could be different, that he could find someone who would love him and appreciate him. So he left. I was not even 2 months pregnant then...

He started dating a month after he left and his R with OW strengthened. I don't know when they got physical, but long story short, they are now together and very much in love.

From the get-go, H asked for D. I never felt I got a second chance. When he left, he was done, done. I have tried DBing, with some progress in the spring. Then his R with OW got stronger (still can't figure out exactly why - did I push him there?) He finally committed to her and told me just two weeks after our son was born.

Like in your case, my H has hurt me so bad since he left... Just mean, inconsiderate and disrespectful. I can see a lot of anger in him sometimes and sometimes guilt. Sometimes he is just clueless and sometimes he is in OW-land and cannot see past her...
In anger, he has told me - "none of the hurt you are feeling will ever compare to the pain I suffered in 13 years of an emotionally abusive marriage." OUCH... I think that says it all. The difference is that now I own my past mistakes.

Like you, I have also had a hard time telling people about our separation. It's been almost a year and only close friends and family know. I am not back at work, so nobody in my professional field know.
I just see the face of sadness and compassion everyone gives me when they find out. I can see everyone thinking "but they have such young kids and a newborn..."
I feel aweful and really don't want to get into it with people, even after all this time. I know I will have to face the music at some point, but right now I am focusing on my kids and trying to stabilize our situation.

H is now back to D talks full-force and wants us to remain friends. (I believe your H wanted the same...) How can they think so, right?

I sensed him going through conflicting emotions, depression and guilt back in the spring. Now he seems at peace and completely committed to his decision to pursue R with OW. Logistically for them, there are a lot of obstacles, so the fact that they are willing to go for it says a lot about how strong their feelings are.

H has not filed, but I think that is coming soon. I cannot control that, so like you, I am now focusing #1 on controlling my anger and forgiveness...
It's hard to do, but I am taking it one exchange at a time. I am seeing an anger-management counselor.

Some tips from her:
- breathing and grounding exercises several times a day. We have young kids and are constantly on the move. Need to de-compress thruout.
- Practice Yoga and exercise. (I started strong, but have faltered on this one lately...)
- Preparing mentally for every interaction with H. If I know I will be with him for 3 hrs, I focus on being positive and loving for that period of time. I visualize the exchanges before he arrives. I try to predict triggers (comments re. OW, D, etc.)
I also try to think of the ways I will show "as if" behaviors and how much interaction I will have with him.
- I write and come here more often.
- I work on getting negative thoughts out of my mind.
- I remind myself that this is a marathon - it took me years to get here and will take years to get out of this mess.
- I focus on my kids - hug and kiss them often, try to really focus on them when they are with me and even if I need to, force myself to laugh and be happy around them.

Anyways, a lot here. Just wanted to tell you how much I understand what you are going thru and really - I think you are doing great. Keep it up and be patient... I know I lack that and it's another area to work on.
Don't lose faith - most people around us have, so don't let that deter you from what your heart wants and what your family needs.

I'll keep tabs of your situation and progress.

(( ))

Thanks KG. Definitely see the similarities. Especially with our contrasting personality styles. At the end you mention being patient - ugh that is so hard right now.

I called my H last night after a parent/teacher meeting at D3 school. (Can you believe it she is three & we are having parent teacher!!) I figured I should just do the normal thing and call. I called at bedtime and H was still at work. He was multitasking while talking to D3 & I. He sounded glad I called, almost relieved, like it is just too hard/sad for him to pick up the phone sometimes. Who knows maybe I am reading into it too much? I gave him an update & D3 said hi, D1 said ehhh.

I have decided to call him every few days at bedtime. To give him a run down of the girls activities and so he can say hi. If I get a "back-off" vibe I will reevaluate.

This morning I had a little realization about my H's mind. I always described my H as the hero type. He would totally be the guy you would want around if your house went on fire or if your car broke down. He has always taken on that persona as the rescuer from his work life to his family life.

I think my H wanted to save me too, save me from my depression and negative attitude. And he couldnt save me, so now he feels like he has failed. I need to help make him feel like he has not failed (even though I know he is not responsible for my happiness - I am). Then I need to get my H into C - that is definitely a deal breaker for me if we ever R.

My H flipped on a dime, from loving me soooo soooo much to saying it was over & nothing to could be done to change that within two days. I dont think I could trust him again unless he worked on his issues. And I will continue to work on mine.

I was feeling pretty good today after the phone call & my hero revelation but then I checked the answering machine. I never check the at home answering machine. Our accountant left a message a couple of days ago saying H had called but the message was broken up, just returning the call.

Ugh!! This could only mean 1 thing. H moving forward with D. Why else is he calling our accountant in Nov? Must be something for the lawyer. H knows nothing about our finances I do the taxes with the accountant.

I must say it set me back but not a far back as it would of a few months ago. Whatever, H is gonna do what he is gonna do. I must say if my H continues to move in the direction of D, he is a fool. He has 2 perfect & ridiculously incredeable daughters that want an intact family and a wife that has stood on her head to address the problems & who adores him through all his nonsense.

I am not going to stop. I am gonna stick with my DB program, one day at a time. Cause man, if I start thinking about Christmas I get really bummed out (& I was never sappy).

Thanks to this board for rocking! and being my rock. (I am such a sap now, what a 180!)

Really bumming right now. My D3 has been asking for her Daddy non stop recently. It is heart breaking - every time she gets hurt she cries "I want my Daddy". This morning I texted him "Can we plan a picture phone chat later". We use to video chat all the time but since I stopped initiating calls we have yet to do it. H has yet to text me back. His probably nursing a hang over.

I mean seriously, this is ridiculous! He has 2 daughters that he will see for a total of 4 days in the entire month of Nov. & he saw for 4 days in Oct. He calls rarely.

I cant worry about whether he thinks I am pursing if I am trying to keep the contact going with his kids. The girls are my priority. I am wondering if I could go back to him. Does he ever think about the position he put me in, being a single mom with 2 kids under 3?? Its not always easy. Would a decent man do that without trying to work on our issues? Its really not right.

Telling me he never really loved me. Is that decent?

I really deserve better. Our girls deserve better.

Nothing new here. I'll see my H Friday when he picks up the girls to take them to see his family. I plan on being as decked out as possible and if he asks where I am going to give him a vague answer.

I wonder how long I can hang on to someone that doesnt want to be with me. Someone who is willing to break his daughters heart so he doesnt have to be with me. I am not interested in being married to someone who is not interested in me.

It breaks my heart.

None of this will change my behavior I will continue to DB and be the best woman and mom I can be.

If H chooses to continue this way its his loss. his big loss

What you said is how I feel this week, too. I was listening to old country songs on satellite radio. I had to change stations, darn it was getting to me. I hope you hang in there and get the result you want.