Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Looking for the silver lining...

TG - I completely forgot about that song - and I love Don Henley!

B - Every time I think I'm letting go then I will have a moment where I think about him or miss him and I feel like I am starting all over again. I know I'm not - I just want him completely erased from my memory and life right now. Just to let me heal. Anyway - I know I can't completely heal unless I go through the whole process.

I must announce: FINALLY got my home office cleaned!!! This has been a HUGE hurdle for some reason. Now, I can't say I have my paperwork tackled yet - but I now have a desk available for the work:)

Yay me!!:)

Hey IB, every little step really counts. Proud of you...for this and all your progress.

Crazy busy weekend with my kids - GREAT time though! Good conversations with my girls' regarding their father. Apparently his gf is helping him coach middle school ball. Apparently she is to provide "motivation"!!??? Anyway - to describe the social ineptitude on both his and her part would take hours. Friends were texting girls and me regarding the run-ins they had with ow. Speechless! Girls and I talked and they felt that their dad - who came from a VERY socially inept and actually strange family - was trying to go back and "own" that part of himself. They said - "Mom, you normalized his life and he couldn't deal! That's why he has told us he wishes we had been raised differently - in other words - HIS WAY - which would have made us miserable!" I still feel as though I am walking around in a haze sometimes - just doesn't seem real.

Today I drove 8 hours round trip to take son to Chicago for college showcase. He told his dad that he didn't feel comfortable driving with him. His dad said he was "hurt" but he would deal. I was thinking about what I would have done if the positions were reversed. If I wanted a relationship with my child and they weren't responding the way I wanted I think, I hope I would still show up to everything until the time my child changed their mind or softened. I would want to be consistent on every level and SHOW that I wouldn't want to miss a thing. Instead - XH finds something else to do with OW. I don't understand it. Never will.

There is a great book I have read for many months during this awful time - it's called "When He Leaves..." I have re-read it several times - each time taking something new from it. Today I read this line that just hit me - "Just as I continually recommitted to love in my marriage, I am continually recommitting to forgive in my divorce." When this whole downward spiral began - I remember moments of such clarity where I KNEW I had to forgive in order to keep the family together. And when I did I felt so good about myself and my choice. I need to get there in this divorce.

Hope everyone has a great week!

IB Your post rang bells with me - my eldest son told me that i 'normalized' and enabled my xh to cope for much longer than he might have done if he had not been in a stable and loving relationship.

There was a [now] hilarious story about a concert where OW was shouting abuse at an old friend of ours who she believed had criticised her way of life [repeated pattern of running off with married men].

As OF pointed out, whatever she felt about it, a public concert where my OF was the highly respected organiser, was hardly the place to start abusing her . . . . .

Now, years later my xh is doing much more to try and build relationship with his kids, but i am not sure he actually knows how. But that is for him to figure out. And that is the point. I don't think they KNOW how to have proper relationsihps anymore. It is a skill that needs to learnt or re-learnt. Maybe we are born with it and it is knocked out of us.

All the books that I am currently working through, and there are 4 which complement each other very well [I don't read them all at once!] stress the importance of forgiveness and love, for ourselves and those who have hurt and harmed us. I still struggle with OW, I am sorry to say. even though I know she is a sad and damaged woman who my xh doesn't like or respect. I know she needs my compassion, and I struggle to find it, I really do

Beatrice - it truly is SO crazy these things we are facing. No other way to see it. The story of my X and OW and their "shared" coaching efforts are nothing short of BIZARRE! I feel bad for my S because he is embarrassed by it - but I am trying to keep it light and remind him that his senior year season is about HIM and not his father. He just doesn't want to be associated with the craziness.

I am exhausted right now. It is a challenge keeping all these things going and trying to be happy!

Worked late tonight - cleaning up my email, I went through emails from XH dating back to 2009 - every day "love you" "can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you" "I am so lucky to have you in my life and to have your love" etc.... You've all heard it. What did it tell me?
1. I wasn't crazy in believing him
2. When I look at my responses to him - I was never judgmental - I was always open and kind to him and always encouraging

Then, when he "changed" - it was as though a completely different person was writing.

But - here's the good news - I didn't cry. Yay me!!

Single parenting nightmare 1001 - it seems we take 10 steps forward and 11 steps back! And I deal with it alone! It is exhausting!

There are times that I would like to run as far away as possible!! Good Lord - I need a vacation!!!!!

Class 12 of 13 in divorce care - topic tonight reconciliation. Wow! The course talks about reconciliation in 2 ways - reconciling in marriage / reconciling in friendship. Lots to think about. There was also a couple who shared their testimony of reconciliation. Very inspiring.

I have been doing a lot of reflection lately about biblical and religious beliefs on divorce and dating/remarriage. While I've spent a lot of time reading Christian based books on the topic, I hadn't studied much from the Catholic church. It was very overwhelming.

I am trying to come to terms with my OWN beliefs. Tonight the class readings talked about making the decision to "stand" at the line of reconciliation if your X has walked away.

As I left the class, I found myself sobbing in the car driving home. Listening to the couple who spoke - the husband was deep in addictions (drugs, alcohol, sex, etc.) But somehow he was saved and related that God had to be first in each of their lives. I remember the months in which my X appeared to put God first and really commit to the work of doing the right things. I saw so many glimpses of this beautiful, loving man who seemed truly at peace with reconnecting with God and his faith. It made me very heartsick at what could have been...the work is very hard.

Anyway - I realized I am at a turning point in recovery. I need to find my center again and determine for better or worse what I believe about what's right for me and my next steps. I need to not worry about everyone else's opinions and go with my gut.

IB my mom was here the past few days, and we talked about religion a bit. She's a pretty devout Catholic. She told me at one point that she disagrees with the church on marriage when a spouse is abusive in some way. She said that she thinks God would not want a person to be "standing" for a potentially abusive relationship to return to them. In the past, I also know that she disagreed on birth control. There are 4 kids in our family, all born within 5 years. She said she tried all the methods they instructed and kept getting pregnant and went to a priest way back when and said look, I'm going to HAVE to use b control. I think sometimes the rules of religions are SO impossible to live by because life is messy and there is so much variation. I still think my mom is a good Catholic despite her disagreeing with a few things.

If we accept that there is free will, then a lot of these things that religions put out there as absolutes really have to be looked at closely.

It is hard for me to understand a faith where God would say, "ok, you married someone who betrayed you. That means that you can only wait for the betrayer to be saved and repent. Otherwise, you must remain single the rest of your life."

It's like you're paying for that person's actions. This is one of the reasons that I really struggle with organized religion. The rules.

So I'm probably not the best person to respond here, and you can take what I say with a grain of salt ;-) But I do think that these classes are really provoking you to think about things and I think that is really good for you and I'm glad you're sharing it with us.