Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers A fork in the road - EA admitted by wife

the "math" of it is this:

consistent change + sufficient time = change they can believe in.

The changes don't all have to be huge. (Okay-Maybe a few 180s...)

But You can alter your course of action by a few degrees of an angle, and then down the road, be in a very different position than you would have been, had you not changed course.

What are the issues or things she HAS SAID she wishes were different with you two? Of those, which do you think are valid?

And what are you doing about them?

Keep on keeping on...

((( )))

- That I was less focussed on work and more focussed on her and the girls - I have done that, work is left at work I am involved in all activities and instigate many myself.
- That she controlled the finances - I have taken an active role in figuring out how we can budget every month.
- That she felt I didn't love her - well I've tried to show that, but she doesn't want it and it turns into pursuit. I do little thoughtful things, although I have said ILY too many times over the last few months.

She came home early from work last night, we had a 5 min chat and she went to bed. I did not pursue, I did not ask any Q's.
She definitely stayed on her side of the bed, so a day later the intimacy has gone again.

NYCP - This was part of your post from yesterday morning:

Tonight we'll see what her reaction is after thinking about it all day - will she go out after work? How will she be when she comes home? If she gets close to me in bed again it can only be a positive sign, if she stays out all night and acts cold then I guess I have an answer.

So she came home, didn't say much but pretty much went straight to bed. Although she may have been a little cold, she did not go out last night as has been her habit of late.

So how do you interpret this?

The fact that there was no intimacy doesn't surprise me. The night before seems to have been a bit of an awakening for both of you. For you because you confirmed the EA. For her because she has been discovered and doesn't have to hide it any longer.

Now there is a new dynamic at play here and you and your W are going to need time to settle in.

I would continue to heed the advice of others to keep your mouth shut in matters related to the R. This will help you and your W. It certainly won't hurt.

In DR Michelle talks about looking for signs, watching and waiting, etc. This is your time to watch and wait.

In my sitch as you've been reading, my W is a giant bag of mixed emotions and wants me out and NOW! On the surface it would appear things are not changing.

But, if you look closely, things are changing! 4 weeks ago she was sobbing uncontrollably and when I went to hold and comfort her, she emphatically said No!, Stop!, and pushed me away.

However, the other day after what I thought was a pretty good weekend filled with signs of progress, she was having another episode of uncontrollable sobbing. Although her "you need to get out" message was even more emphatic, she let me hold her and comfort her. To me that is a clear sign of progress!!!

Look for the little signs along the way. They may be fleeting, but if you look for them, cherish them and continue to do those things that produce those signs, you may start to see more of them and more often.

Wishing you the best!

It's a positive - it may also mean that there was no-one around to go out with.

W started a D talk 10 mins ago -
W - so, I've been thinking about the house
Me - Regarding what? (I really didn't have a clue)
W - Well I want to remain here with the girls afterwards
Me - Ok, I'd like the girls to have stability - but I don't know how that is going to work from a financial perspective.
W - Well when I spoke to the L he said I could expect x amount (approx 60% my salary) in CS and alimony - if I get someone to rent a room - then that will cover it. But I need your name on the mortgage.
Me - I can't answer that right now, I would need to understand the implications.
W - Don't you want the girls to live in a nice house
Me - Yes, of course I do, but I also need a place where they can come and stay with me.
W - You can look after them here

I got up and came into the office and typed this.

WTF.....

Push/pull, push/pull. This looks like a classic example of someone who is conflicted.

Try not to engage if at all possible. Tell you W you need time to think about it. Take a couple if days if you need to and see what else develops.

It looks to me like she is trying to engage so that you'll react and solidify her resolve. Don't take the bait!

Keep doing your best DB and see what develops!

I'm NOT saying all these responses are perfect DBIng examples, but I would sure be temped to say one of them...

"I'm not the one who wants to end the marriage, so how is that fair to ME?"

"W, the numbers YOU have are a lot higher than the numbers my L gave me. IN fact, my information says we will BOTH be downsizing if we divorce" (This is probably safe DBing)

so in YOUR vision w, the only thing that will change is ME Leaving...and everything else is the same? Does that actually seem realistic to you?"

" Is that what you tell yourself to make it seem like less of the logistical and emotional nightmare that is getting created?" (probably not so DBing but...probably true)

sorry Peter...BUT

you STILL have to back off otherwise. No pursuit or ILY's and NO ANGER....NONE...BE CALM--180 GALORE...

the second you show your anger again is only going to FUEL HER NEGATIVES and confirm her choice to leave.

Contrast those negative images she feeds herself with 180s that undermine those images!

your goal is to get her to doubt her choices, not defend them.

So you can give her information that casts doubt on her vision...NOT saying to tell her all these things, but maybe a few...

e.g., 1) the money amount is OFF...and will be determined by a court but your L used the guideline the state provides and that's that...

2) I have never heard of a div situation whereby the father gets to rent a closet somewhere and see his kids in the former marital home...that's only in the WAW's fantasy

3) any tenant who is male would = cohabitation, and therefore any alimony, IF ANY, would cease then, as it would be cohabitation...

3) her support would go down anyhow as the girls age and alimony won't be permanent either. That's IF she gets it.

4) why should you remain on the mortgage, which prevents you from buying another house when you start YOUR NEW life?

But she can have the house---she'd just needs to buy you out, and have the mortgage be in HER name, and her salary and maybe a 2nd job, and your support can help pay that. (Yeah I bet she'll love that idea).

She's unhappy, confused and misinformed. Bad combination.

Sorry you are going through this NYCP. Listen to 25 she really knows her stuff. Hang in there.


PS: this made me laugh >"I got up and came into the office and typed this.

WTF....."

She will likely get permenant alimony (according to L) - it's up to the judge to decide how much there is no calculator (unlike child support).



She thinks a combination of her parents, a tenant and the alimony / CS she will be able to afford it, which is possible BUT she cannot get a mortgage based on that criteria - she only works two nights a week and probably brings home $3-400. In theory no mortgage company wants a tennant anyway - you are breaking the contract.

Our mortgage / taxes combined come to $3.5k a month - with current strict lending, you need 8-9k a month income.



I know - I will do this, I WILL DO THIS.

Just the underlying feeling it's all too late. During one of our previous R talks - I asked her if the last few months had been like the rest of our M would she still be seeking a D. She said no - I asked her to think of our M as starting a few months ago. It was bad DBing, but she knows our M has been better - why still look for an exit?

I don't think it was bad DBing although I guess it was pursuit. But you know the old marriage is dead anyhow and you are recognizing that.

The information she has isn't all true. But you don't have to be the messenger of all that. You can keep it vague w/comments like "that's not what I heard from my research/lawyer but we'll see"...or whatever you choose. I just feel like she is putting the best case financial scenario as her assumption and I'm not confident of that.

But realize this--
it'll take time for the new "reality" information to sink in to her. She won't "get it" tomorrow. Or this week.

Meanwhile, you have to make marriage to you now and from this day forward, NOT look like a hellish alternative to her freedom/fantasy life.

That's why it's key for you to stay on top of the anger and give her NO fuel.
I know it's hard. It's like MOTHER TERESA HARD...but it might work.

i also think the GAL could work well for you, too. As logistically hard as it is, tell her you need a break now and then, there's too much pressure, etc. Or find a sitter yourself. But GAL at least one night Or afternoon a week.

Then GAL. Be mysterious about it. Allow her to ponder the possibility of OWs being interested in you....not that you'd notice...

In some ways the only thing that can get thru some WAwives is the idea of someone else getting their man --especially when that man has become the man they had wanted all along.

They tell themselves "it's too late for us" b/c they don't want to take a chance on things going back to what they were and then losing out on the chance they thought they had for "real happiness starting over." Or they think it'll take too much work without enough payoff...

but they don't YET know that a new R will also take work AND

when they see that the h's changes ARE REAL AND LASTING and now will go to someone else

and THE WAWs new life is not going to match up with the fantasy they were dreaming of....

then many re-think their plans...

So GAL, keep calm, lose the anger, work on YOU and creating a good life for yourself.

If your w had died and a few years had passed, and your life was a happy one, what would it look like?

envision that with some details...

and then see if you can create parts of it in your life now...