Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Daughter is not mine...

This has been the worst year of my life. My dad died. My oldest daughter died. Mom had double mastectomy. Now I find out that my three year old is not mine.

I started this thread on the[*edited by dbmod--reference not allowed]. I came here about two months ago. I have read both DB and DR as well as Not Just Friends. I have had several phone consultations with JoAnnne. I am all over the place emotionally.

The issues of infidelity is unfortunately all too common. Since our sex life has been nonexistent it nagged at the back of my mind. Now, our oldest daughter was hospitalized numerous times, often out of state, so that limited the contact we had.

But our relationship had gotten so bad that at the end of 2006 I started keeping track of when we had sex.

We have had sex 5 times since December 2006. the last time being November 16th and 17th, 2008.

After all of my reading I started back tracking the calendar. We had sex eight months and one week prior to Audrey being born. My guess now is that she missed her period after [censored] someone else so she slept with me two nights in a row so there would be plausible deniability.

I ordered a DNA test kit online. It said that there is a 0% chance I am the father. I paid $500 for one that will be admissable in court and it said the same thing.

I ordered a second kit for my kindergartener; she is mine. I called a geneticist to see if they can trace DNA from my dead daughter's baby teeth or if I may have to have her body exhumed. Has my marriage been based on lies since Day 1?

Wife moved out the beginning of September (two days before my birthday). She has gotten our lives so tangled up with the OM. They started a business together (with our funds). She says now they are just friends. But she is not interested in working on our marriage.

We went to counseling four times but she admitted it was just so she could say that she went. She told me that she had been unhappy for a really long time. I was suffering from severe depression (being treated for it). She says that she checked out years ago and is not coming back.

There is so much more to say and write but I just wanted to get this out there for some advice/feedback/help.

I have been doing the 180. My weight is back to what it was when we first started dating. I have been dressing better. Making sure I am the first one to end conversations. Not always returning calls/texts right away.

Just got off the phone with her. She is coming over later to pick up the girls and wants me to help her move some of her itmes out of the basement.

I want to tell her KCUF You. I know one of the articles on here talked about a guy helping his wife move out.

My wife is very meticulous. I feel she has had this planned for a very long time. She is making plans for us to try and sell the house in the spring.

Help!!

Geez that's pretty heavy. I wouldn't exhume your D's remains. Let her be at peace.

As for your 3 year old, whose child is it? Is it the OM's? Have they made an issue about wanting the child for themselves? Do you still love that girl?

Bottom line is that you are the only father she's ever known. Even if the DNA test says otherwise, you be the rock for that girl. It's not her fault that she's in a screwed up situation. Concentrate on the kids and not your W.

IMHO, you shouldn't help your W move. What she's done more than justifies you not helping her. If she makes a big deal about it, and that you're acting like a d*ck, then kindly tell her that you sill want the M that both of you started to work and that if she makes the decision on her own to leave, then she will have to do things herself or have the OM help he move.

How many years together/married?

How many children & ages, when did your oldest die?

When did the A begin?

Is it multiple POSOMS or just one?

When were all these bombs dropped???

I see when you were separated in September

I am so very sorry for your tragic losses this year. I can't imagine what your pain must be like. I hope you will continue to come here b/c people care and will support you.

Do you still love your W? Do you want the M to survive?

I have known other couples who have loss a child, and it affects the MR tremendously, partly b/c each parent is grieving and maybe blaming. How did your W deal with her grieving the loss of the D? Do you believe either of you put blame on the other?



I agree with Bond about your youngest child, and about your oldest.

Pain does terrible things to us. I hope you can let your oldest D lie in peace and decide that your parental love for her was what matters most.

So sorry for your losses....I've lost 3 members of my family in about 15 months
(a few years back) and it DOES stink and it is very hard...

but I really am lost as to parts of this story...how old was your d? Why was she out of state? Where were you? What were the issues YOUR W SAID you two had?

If she were here, what would SHE complain of? What are you doing about those?




how can we help you? WHAT kind of support do you want?

Can you give us more info please?

See the questions above and try answering those AND OR what Sandi asked and we can go from there....

Thank you to everyone for your replies. I am truly on the emotional roller coaster. In answer to some of your questions:

MrBond- As for your 3 year old, whose child is it? Is it the OM's? Have they made an issue about wanting the child for themselves? Do you still love that girl?

It is POSOM's. He admitted to me that he never ran any DNA tests but that she has the same skin condition on the palms of her hands and the soles of her feet that he does. I love that little girl so much that it hurts. As far as I am concerned I am her one and only "daddy". He was just an accident at
conception.

Finah- How many years together/married? 8years together/married 7

How many children & ages, when did your oldest die? Two little girls ages 6 1/2 and 3 1/2. Oldest died Nov 29, 2010. She was 6 1/2.

When did the A begin? October 2008

Is it multiple POSOMS or just one? Just one POSOM. (One too many)

When were all these bombs dropped??? I got the DNA test results the end of May this year. I confronted her a week later while I gathered other evidence. She has truth trickled ever since.

25yrsmlc- Why was she out of state? Where were you? What were the issues YOUR W SAID you two had?

There is a pulmonologist in Madison, WI that specialized in these kids. When she would be hospitalized out of state I would stay at the hospital with her. It was never less than three weeks. My wife had told me on several occasions that she was unhappy. Guess what, I was unhappy too! All of my time was spent taking care of my terminally ill child. When I wasn't doing that I was sitting around depressed and feeling sorry for myself.

If she were here, what would SHE complain of? What are you doing about those?

I think she would complain that she tried everything to get through to me how unhappy she was. She has told me that she felt unloved, unappreciated and uncared for. Yes, she told me she was unhappy. But when that didn't work she kept trying the same thing. No change in the Medium in which the message was delivered.

After discovery and all of our talking I immediately did everything advised against in the books. I tried to talk to her, sent email clips of articles, gave her books to read, etc.

what does your coach say to do? I'm guessing she suggests, in part, to divide the problems into manageable pieces...

My coach has advised a hard 180. She has told me not to be so accesible or agreeable. Not too answer the phone when she calls or texts; but to wait awhile. Too look for tiny improvements. To extend one invite to her to do something with the family, etc. My three goals are :

1. Have WAW moved back into the house before the end of the year.

2. Have POSOM out of our lives completely and forever

3. WAW and I become best friends and lovers again.

I have not cheated on her. There have been opportunities but I have not taken them.

She came over last night to pick the girls up and I noticed that she had her wedding ring on her right hand. It was turned upside down and she was clearly trying to hide it from me. She kept her arms crossed in front of her, kept positioning herself with that side away, etc. Any thoughts on that or am I reading too much into it?

We tried counseling but she admitted that she was going just so that she could say she tried it.

I apologize for the stream of consciousness verbiage on display here. I have so many things I want to say/ask. I have been so forgetful and absentminded lately.

We are seperated now but she is acting like we are divorced. There is no talk of her needing space to think things over. SHe has flat out told me that she doesn't want to be married to me anymore and that she is not going to change her mind.

I changed the locks on the house the other day. Twice when I wasn't home she came in and took things. She took pictures from the walls and decorations from the girls' bedroom the first time. The second time she took the folder that contains everyones social security cards, birth certificates, marriage license, etc.

She told me that her attorney would not be amused and that she wasn't going to pay (even though her name is on the mortgage) if I don't give her a key. I maintained my composure while I pointed out the things she had done. She said that most of the things she took were hers before we were married.

I told her that 1. I don't have a key to where you live so you shouldn't have a key to where I live. 2. Everything is considered marital property until a settlement agreement is reached. 3. She could have asked me to copy the documents or called me to let me know that she had them. She did neither she was sneaky about it. So since I can't trust her I changed the locks. Then I turned around and walked downstairs.

After our exchange she sat on the couch like a scolded child.

Do I still love her? I don't know. I love the memory of her. I love the girl I married. My wife is an incredibly beautiful woman. She is 40 and had three kids but still looks good. She had been a model before we met. She is also razor sharp. She graduated from the best journalism school in the country and interned at the New York Times. But what really got me hooked on her was when we went to Missouri for the first time to meet her family.

The family dog had gotten out back after a rain storm. My MIL asked WAW and me if we could get him back. We chased the dog for a little while. Eventually I chased him towards her and she grabbed him. As she stood there holding a wet muddy dog trying to wriggle free I knew I was in love. Here was a girl who was beautiful, smart and unafraid to get her hands dirty. That was when I knew.

She started a business with OM with our money! Now the business is a thriving concern and will generate probably close to $400k in revenue this year.

I hate him so much. This POSOM not only went for a ride on my wife (if he still isn't), he has been living on my dime for years! He lives at the studio that they run the business out of. He hasn't had to pay rent, any utilities, cell phone, etc for 4 years. WAW points out that the last few years he only made 18-22K/yr. Without any bills thats decent money.

He is 10 years younger than my wife. WAW told me that POSOM told her that his mother had been cheating on his father for years and it only recently came to light. I guess the apple didn't fall far from the tree. Several times I have thought about approaching POS dad.

Perhaps he will sympathize with my cause; one betrayed spouse to another. I know it is his son but I am sure he could see that the only way my marriage has a chance is if his son is out of the picture. Thoughts on this? JoAnne thinks not, but I am inclined to throw everything against the wall and see what sticks.

My inlaws know she had an affair with him. She failed to mention the truth regarding D3.5's paternity. Do I tell them? I feel they have a right to know. But it is the only leverage I feel I have over her. SHe told me "If you tell my dad all you will be doing is hurting him." WTF You created this situation. Not me.

I have not told any of my family or friends about her cheating. I have been trying to protect her image in the event we can work things out. I must be stupid. She has betrayed and manipulated me in the most despicable way possible and I am still trying to protect her. Somebody break out a 2x4.

I forgot to ask...Do I tell my wife that I haven't given up on our marriage? She is acting like it is full speed ahead and I haven't done anything to dissuade or stop her.

When an issue arises should I calmly say "I haven't given up on you, our family or our marriage."

Thanks

Somehow I think you hope for more than "sympathy" from him.



He probably could see that, yes....but what do you think he could do to his grown son to make him break up an A with the son's business partner? Heck, he might have to let his son move in with him if the A stopped and the business cut him off.

The only thing that would be accomplished by telling his dad would be that it made your W and OM very angry at you.



By leverage, you mean control?



Why did she not mention her mother? Maybe she's told her? WAW would indeed be hurt.....not just her dad! The more people who know her secret, the more likely talk of the A would be the gossip around town.

I think both of you are trying to control the other one.

Let's say that nobody ever learns about the child's sperm donner, and the D goes through? How do you see that picture playing? Would it affect your feelings for the child?

Do you believe the child should know the truth when she's old enough? And how would that affect you, once she was told? So, nobody knows what might happen or how they might feel. We can guess by how we feel today, but feelings tend to change with circumstances.

When facing some of these other questions you've had, I would suggest you think about what is the "right" thing to do. Then do what you believe is morally, and spiritually, right....not necessarily what you desire.

Have you thought about talking to your Pastor or Priest?

This may be the ultimate test of your love.

((hugs))

Have you checked the DNA of your other kids?

Also the business she used your money to start with the OM is considered marital property. He only gets half while you and your wife splits the other half. If marital money paid for the entire business then its all yours and the wife. Get a lawyer....if it generates $$$ then at least they will half to settle.

Who is paying support for the OM's kid??? She can't make you.

Sorry to say but its appears over so protect yourself and your kids and don't let her railroad you into a bad settlement and childcare $$$. The OM will gladly let you pay for her while maintaining contact with her as daddy!!!



edited by dbmod to add note to FLYNN: This is anti-dbing/anti-marriage. It isn't what we do here. This is your warning.