Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers A Bklyn tale

BM - a couple of points for you to consider.

First, I'm glad you have reconsidered the bed issue. Manipulation will come back to bite you so steer clear. Also, in the grand scheme of things, is that really a priority considering the other major issues you are currently facing?

Second, I'm glad you are feeling hopeful tonight. We all could use a dose of hopefulness once in awhile. But, you have to be prepared for the inevitable downswing that will happen whether you like it or not. One day you'll be up, the next you'll be down. If you doubt me, reread the posts on my sitch. Yesterday I was feeling pretty upbeat for obvious reasons, then today I'm down in the gutter.

Third, as I read through your posts, I think it is going to be very important for you to do some more digging to uncover the real issues behind the breakup of your marriage. Only then will you truly be able to fix the things that need to be fixed. If you just focus on the surface stuff, the real culprit will resurface and you'll be back where you are now or worse. So please dig deep, make the changes, make them stick, do them for yourself and see what develops.

Finally, one of the big challenges when people are in the midst of DB'ng is this thing called pursuit. Things that you might not even realize as pursuing may actually come across that way to your H. Be very careful here. Don't beg, plead, say I love you, any of that stuff. Even asking for simple favors or looking for excuses to see or talk to your H is all a form of pursuit. If you want to draw your H back to you, avoid this at all cost. Otherwise you risk pushing him further away.

Hang in there BM, things will get better......eventually.

Journalling... & ranting. Read & disregard. I am writing so I dont actually say any of this out loud

So when my husband initially said ILYBNILWY he was working very closely with a woman 15yrs older then my H who is a mutual friend of ours. She is someone I have worked with as well and did have a lot of respect for. I have been friends with her for 12 yrs, I known her longer then I have known my husband. She is married two kids.

She was one of the first people he told about our sitch since he was with her every day. I called her after he told her & she was trying to be neutral. But she was very supportive of my H. Too supportive. She said my H should get back to some of the things he loved like mountain biking. WTF. My H has two kids under 4 sorry that right now he doesnt have too much time for mountain biking. HE wanted to have the 2nd kid close in age to the first. He has also gone mountain bike a couple of times this year, no not every weekend which he would love but a couple of times. Anyway I really just kind of ignored her comments and figured I didnt have to be friends with her

Then after my H moves out and leaves us she give him kiddie furniture for his new apartment so my ds have a little table and chairs when the go over. Come on! A week or 2 ago she emails me saying she is thinking of me and want s to have coffee or babysit. Is she kidding me, she want me to hang with her?? I wrote back a phoney email all nice and friendly saying how great the girls were and what they would be for Halloween. Then she texts me last night if I could send a pix of the girls dressed up. What is she smoking?? She want to give my estranged H furniture for his pad and be my friend. Give me a break! I havent texted back.

And I know I put a lot of my anger for my H on her but thats why I wrote this cause maybe now I will have let go of some of that anger. I mean she is not very important so I shouldnt really sweat her.

Just a thought I had when I read about your H's work friend....keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Seems like there is a reason she's reaching out.

ROMB, good point!! ugh

Did you and your H ever discuss the fact that he needed to do the bike thing every now and then because it was important to him? Maybe he thought you just discarded what he was passionate about. I get it that you wanted him to always be there since you had two kids that were both of your choices. But it sounded like it's what YOU wanted. Something like that could have always been compromised. I mean I'm sure there are things that you did to relieve stress and maybe he didn't say anything about that because he felt you might argue with him about the two not being the same.

The woman gives your H the kids furniture so your kids can have something to play with. It's not her fault you two are where you are.

"Anyway I really just kind of ignored her comments and figured I didnt have to be friends with her"

Just asking, but is that how your attitude was towards your H? Maybe he tried to tell you things, but you ignored them.

Bond thks for the thoughts.

You are so right on regarding how I ignored my husband when he said something. (Its embarrassing that you could get that from that rant) I would dismiss a lot of what he said especially once we had kids cause what the heck did he know about that. UGH!! I have learned that I communicate by demanding that you hear me, while my husband just says how he feels and doesnt shout it at me but I still need to listen. I guess I only listen when people shout!

Its true
2 kids + 2 careers = 2 much

H & I both needed more time to mountain bike & pursue our hobbies & relax away from the kids. I thought spending $ on a babysitting was friviolious we were saving for a house. Hobbies cost too much. I thought asking family for help was weak. That good parents could handle it. That we were tough and everyone else has 2 kids + 2 careers - we didnt need help. I WAS SO WRONG:(

Thks for reading my rant so glad I am working to get better

Hi there - I know you were just ranting, but maybe the outside perspectives here offer you food for thought.

I didn't read much threat into what you said she said/did. Do you have a lot of friends and support where you are? It's possible she's reaching out because H suggested it and she's trying to help. People try to help in unhelpful ways, but their heart is in the right place. It's unrealistic for her to be super-supportive of both of you when you are at odds with each other, but it's not her fault for trying.

It stings when people suggest H has some reason to excuse what he's done - the mountain biking thing is not what you want to hear from this friend, but there's a glimmer of truth there. I know...I've had similar feelings of resentment when a friend tries to help me understand H's point of view. Be strong. Let it roll off your back if necessary.

Asking for the halloween costume photo verges into the weird category, don't know what to say about that.

Feeling jealous of her, let alone voicing it, is not going to get you anywhere good.

Hi Advina - You are of right that there is truth in the mountain bike thing. It is hard pill to swallow that a woman, wife and mother doesn’t tell a WAH that they should be home for their family but I guess she is trying to be super-supportive of the both of us. I suppose she is not being judgmental of my H choice. I doubt my H suggested she reach out. I so am grateful and lucky my family & friends have shown up BIG for me. I would be in an insane asylum without all the love & support & babysitting I have had the past few months

I totally know what you mean. I wrote about how "people are disappointing." Those who are supportive of my H say oh well you can't help how you feel. He could miss out on teaching his boys how to shave, drive a car, date and find the women they'll marry.

And we come here and get the 2x4s when we need them! Boy would I like to take a 2x4 and.... ok counting to 10 again.

BM - thought I'd add a little levity...

I have learned that I communicate by demanding that you hear me, while my husband just says how he feels and doesnt shout it at me but I still need to listen. I guess I only listen when people shout!

I had to laugh at this comment because it is SO TRUE! I take from your user name that you live in or are from NY.

Years ago I was a bill collector in NY. Customers who lived in the south had to be treated with sweet honey to convince them to pay their bills. The NY'rs were a whole different breed. It was almost like they didn't respect you if you didn't shout at them to pay their bills. People thought I was crazy man when I'd work those NY accounts. Of course they were also jealous when they saw my month end collections results.

Sorry, your comment sent me temporarily down memory lane!

Now, back to our regular scheduled programming.....

Is your H from NY also or is he from another part of the country. I think it is important to learn what is the best form of communication for your husband. Some people need to be beat over the head in order to listen, while others need a more subtle approach.

There may be an important lesson here. One of your 180's could be to communicate differently with your husband, particularly in a way that suits his listening style. Of course, if you are not prepared to maintain the 180, then you might want to reconsider. But, if your husband hasn't been responding well to your approach, it is time for a change. Yes?