Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis GALing and Boundaries with XH

I have lady friends that feel the same way you do if that helps. And I can tell you that there is much confusion out there. I have women that feel that sex needs to be had asap else we aren't going anywhere. I feel that pressure from women.

Know what? I recognize that people are confused as a whole. I recognize that some are dangerous. I recognize I don't worry about those things because I am not going to let that stuff stop me from living my life. I never did before, but before I didn't notice the negatives

There are very few negatives really.

And you need new friends with some values. Sheesh.

A red head that glows in the dark? Punkin, the image that creates....

E, Thank you for clarifying the remark about the coat. I know the type that gets so upset they vomit when a girl says hi. I know girls the same way. I just refuse to play that game. I see people differently. To me they are all kids. Some greedy. Some upset. Some who want their mommy. Some that want to eat the blocks while others want to bulid them. I see some that are just bad kids and will end up on a post office wall later in the life. But just children all the same.

My romantic interests are different. They don't fit in that filter somehow. They come across as people. Adults. My friends don't either. But the general population is seen by me as kids.

I'm funny like that....


AJ

Punkin it has nothing to do with an expiration date. It's an issue of self esteem, if I'm being honest. And yes I know much self-esteem comes from within. I have no shortage of self-esteem if I'm thinking about my "merits" as a friend or daughter or writer or teacher. I validate myself and others tell me I'm doing a good job at those things too...so I'm good there.

I think if I'm being honest with myself and with you guys, there is a voice in my head that will not shut up ever, that still says that I wasn't "as good as" OW, and that I somehow lost my ability to attract XH because he was so attracted to her. I remember when he left I said something like "but we were having sex as recently as last week...GOOD sex. How can you find her more attractive/desirable?" And his answer was "well it wasn't UNPLEASANT but I was faking it."

And in my head, until some man somewhere who is a smart, funny, respectful, decent looking man has desire for me, I will keep telling myself that XH was right about me and OW is "better" than me.

I don't care anymore what HE thinks of me...but if NO OTHER man who is decent desires me, then it's like the blow he dealt to my self-esteem sticks with a vengeance.

Put it this way: I thought I was all that and a bag of chips, till he told me someone else attracted him more.

AJ your kid comments above are funny but also insightful.

I just had dinner tonight with a colleague I'm just getting to know, and she said she really thinks that meeting someone through a friend is the way to go; that's how she met her wife and they've been together 10 years and really have a great relationship.

I will say that outside the dating dilemmas, I've done two things for total strangers in the past two days that made me feel pretty good (and hopefully them too). One was a woman new to meditation group who asked me for info about a naturopathic physician I see, and I was really open about what I've seen her for and this woman just opened up to me immediately about herself and I found that she is new to the area and doesn't really know anyone, and she said it was so meaningful that I was open and helpful to her because I seem to have come into her life at the moment she really needed the contact. Then tonight at the restaurant, my colleague and I were talking about what I did my thesis on and the bartender came over to say she just had to compliment us on having the most interesting discussion she'd ever heard anyone have at the bar, because she so missed being in college and talking about books. Turns out she dropped out of her MA program at William and Mary because she could no longer afford it and now she was back at home, working as a bartender, and feeling like there was no one who shared her interests. Well I ended up giving her my email and inviting her to come sit in on my classes, no registration, no money to the college, just come sit in and enjoy the discussion. She was thrilled, and she said she'd be in touch in spring.

So at least I made two people's days brighter :-)

Antonia, that's the way to live isn't it? Paying it forward to borrow a phrase?

Life isn't complicated, now is it? You helped two other people and who knows how many others? That is awesome.

As for the voice.. I get it. My ex left me and there was an OM. I am no longer jealous either, but there was for a time, that small voice that said I wasn't good enough. Then I think back to the crazy crud she said. i.e. offering sex if I would initiate the divorce, or trying to get me into a fight with her "friend", or.. the list goes on. It reminds me that it wasn't about me at all. The lies? The hurt? The leaving? The accusations? None of it was really about me. I watched it unfold like a trainwreck in slow motion. I don't wish that on anyone, but it helps me to remember that it wasn't me and it isn't about OM. It also helps to remember that he was the first one that didn't say no. There were others she tried that did and at least two marriages she helped end because of it (besides ours).

I remember to remind myself when I have a doubt that it is not about me. I even get angry sometimes that it wasn't about me if that makes sense

But then I remember that I like people. I remember that I love life. And I remember that I want to reconnect with that person in my life. Me. The rest of it? The other people? They'll be there when I'm ready. There are some now of the opposite sex. But that connection? That'll be a while I know. I do miss that sometimes, but not with my ex. Just in general right?

What I'm getting at is that her actions, although damaging aren't permanent. She's a nut. Or at least was. Who knows now. And I cannot base my feelings on a nut's ramblings. That would be insane.

Get out there and explore what it is you want. Don't take other people's word for it. It's like a big experiment right? You figure out what you want and then you theorize and then you test. Evaluate, adjust, and test again.

Give a go, Antonia. See what's out there. You'll be surprised how many people have the same thoughts and are looking for somebody like you.

AJ

Good post AJ - needed to hear some optimism:)

Antonia - we both know you can't internalize crazy! And the behaviors of the MLC Xs is nothing short of LUNACY. Cannot be used to determine self-worth.

You are doing GREAT getting out. And the altruism is icing on the cake:)

AJ you are very right, it's not the ex I miss anymore, it's the general feeling I miss of that affection/intimacy.

I think where I thought wrong was that I assumed that once I was "over" XH as far as not wanting to find a person who reminded me of him, looked like him, etc., that I'd be sort of instantly in that place where I'd get back that feeling I missed.

I mean, when I went on the dates in the summer with the eharmony guys (well not so much dates as just get to know you meetings) I felt that it was all so wrong, and too early. I felt guilty for even talking to them because I was still so firmly attached to XH. I really am not anymore. It's at the point where I am praying that he finds himself. I'm not praying to have him back at all. I don't think he would "get" me at all now, and I can't even say I'd want the "old" him back. I want something else in many ways. So my assumption was that once I got to that point, the rest would very easily fall into place.

I suppose that what I need to do is to just get out there more in terms of meeting people in general...male or female...helping people where I can, making new friends. And perhaps someone will know someone down the road? Or I'll find friends to go out with to places where I'm not so comfy going alone, and I'll meet someone that way.

I actually looked into more meetup groups around here and there are no intellectual groups at all...by that I mean something like a book discussion group. The closest one is in PA, like 2 hours north! When I left the restaurant tonight I started wondering if I should start one? It may be that the library has one...so I will look into that.

Antonia - you come across as such a lovely and engaged sort of person. one I am proud to know.

Do you know what I miss about my xh at this point? His sense of humour - how we could one of us say something and then both really laugh.

And OMG how we allowed those crazy guys to trash our self esteem by undermining us sexually, comparing us to OW. What kind of louse does that? I mean really. The nastiest sort of immature teenager.

But it hurts coming out of our spouse's mouth, and we allowed ourselves to believe those damaging words, spoken by a damaged person.

If I had had an affair, i know I would not have further hurt my xh by telling him how much more I enjoyed s*x with new guy . . . Think about it. Nuts and nasty with it. How much better to be you - reaching out and helping and connecting with people.

The new relationship will come. But it may take time.

That's what I miss a great deal, the physical intimacy my wife and I had. Even though I'm 56 and she's 46 we were always massaging one another's shoulders, touching, hugging, spooning and had regular relations at least twice a week right up until the last month or so. That void is like the grand canyon to me, but I'm trying really hard to avoid the "rebound" stuff because I know it's this physical lack of contact I'm so used to pushes me so much. In some ways now I wish things had been cooler, it might be easier to take.

Being there, Doing that, and Unfotunately getting the T-shirt. I realized that by me stopping to look for others to fill that need and working on myself will help with that void. Keeping busy helps for me. I just remind myself that I would not want to hurt an innocent person. The funny thing is that before I met my W I got burned by a previous girlfriend and was in a F%^$%^ women type of attitude. I wanted nothing to do with them and was happy just working on me. Then like a lightning bolt She hit me. Its funny how we want to repeat the same patterns.

Same for me, I was ready to give up ever finding a lasting relationship.I was ready to just take off for a year and seek some kind of Spiritual growth, then Bamm! there she was, the woman of all my dreams. Seems to work that way, just when you let go of what you want, it comes looking for you. Even though now things look grim, I do not regret the 24 years we had, and if we do not reconcile I hope the Bamm! comes again, I really miss it.

Totallygutted, I have also had the thought that if we didn't have the closeness, the loss of intimacy would be easier to take, but I'm sure that years from now we'll be glad we had it overall. I look at my parents and see 2 people who've never had it, and while they don't know what they're missing, I feel badly for them just the same.

I really get the idea that we have to work on ourselves and we have to be good with ourselves before we can be good in a rel. with someone else. And I'm not saying I'm anywhere near perfect, but I feel like I have been very actively working on myself for over a year now, and I really don't know what more I can "do" to work on myself.

I have followed more dreams and banished more anxieties in the past 15 months than in all the 41 years prior to that combined. I won't run down my list here--since I put all my GAL type accomplishments or actions on another post where someone asked for us to make that list--but suffice it to say that I've grown by leaps and bounds professionally, personally, AND spiritually, and I've found a way to make all those parts of me connect so they are constantly reinforcing each other. I mean, sure, I still have goals...I want to become the foremost scholar on the writer I'm writing a book on, but that takes time, time to finish the current book, to get the reviews, to write more pieces on him. I want to become a better meditator and learn more of Buddhist teachings, but again, that takes time (this weekend I'm doing an online retreat that focuses for several hours each day on that path). I'm working on being more compassionate and forgiving, and I find ways consistently to practice these things.

I feel like I'm doing all that I want or need to do to be in a good place myself, and I'm already in a good place, and I just need to follow through with what I set into motion.

I guess what I'm saying is I don't know where else to go from here. I don't see that there is any more to "learn" about myself. I've spent SO LONG delving really deep. I've uncovered it all. When I feel XH's words still stinging, I know precisely WHY they sting. When more time passes they will sting less than they do now. No more introspection is going to change that.

So I think at the heart of why I want to meet someone is that I feel like everything I can do for me I've done/am doing, and I want the chance to try the "new me" with someone else. I feel like I have all these magnificent skills for learning how to be a better person in a relationship and I don't get to use them ;-)