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AC,
Cannot get legal sep in my state, I would like to keep s on health ins in future, but if we get d, dont think she can stay on. So, if you do legal sep, do you ever have to get d?

Gunny:
In my state, if you get a D, your family health insurance goes away at the end of the month. With a legal seperation, health insurance stays for the duration. Within the first year, both parties have to agree to convert to a D, after the first year, either party can say they want to convert to a D and it is automatic.

I am struggling with the notion that allowing her to keep her health insurance is giving her a soft landing and letting her eat cake, but I cannot bring myself to cut her off like that.

Rapidly falling into the 'all-consuming' emotional drain again. This week with W has been hard, esp. the steps of formalizing the D. It is what she want, what she needs, so be it.

W has been suffering from depression for at least 2 years, if not more. Read in a depression self-help book last night that those prone to depression had to be careful of different circumstances that might bring on depression episodes, including:
-divorce
-major geographic relocation
-loss of friends
-losing/changing jobs
-financial issues
-dark or cold weather

My W is currently doing ALL of these, but is convinced that D is the only way to happiness. WTF? I just drop the rope and don't worry about her?

AC,
Does keeping her on HI cost you anything? Can you do necessary detachment and still keep her on HI? She must be aware that if you D she will lose ins. So, she is really the one making this decision. Try to detach with love, I am learning the same thing. In my sitch, keeping her on HI doesnt cost me anything, I still want to keep door open, and am GALING like crazy. Seems to me you are somewhat in the same sitch, except my s I dont think is suffering major depression, but then again, what do I KNOW.

What are you doing for yourself while she is visiting?

I am doing nothing for myself, and it is beginning to take its toll. I am recognizing that taking the high road and supporting my W has done little but help her and destroy me. Not in a good place at all.

Yes, the health insurance will cost more, but W will pay the differential, presumably.

What does it all mean?

W has been back in town for 5 days, and is leaving tomorrow. Visiting friends, taking care of business. Getting the D going into its final stages.

W has spent several hours of each day sorting through boxes and boxes of slides and photos (we have traveled extensively). She is taking a large number of them with her, intending on sorting through them and getting the ones she wants duplicated. Going back through every trip we have been on, and reclaiming her old photos. I thought WAW just wanted to forget the past. Anyone care to help me understand this obsession?

It is all very confusing.

I know that feeling, AC. But how could we have known how to react to the crapstorm our W's have created? These are the women we chose to love for life, and even as they were dismantling our lives together we still tried to love them and support them in hopes that they would see what awful decisions they were making.

Depression, MLC, self-esteem issues, inherent dishonesty...we did not anticipate any of these conditions when we said "I do." They have turned our wives into strangers, and we have no idea how to relate to them any more.

I think the acronym GAL needs to be changed to GANL - "Get A New Life."

AC,

I know all of this sux. How do you think you will feel about you actions in the future? Will taking the high road be something you can feel good about? If going through the pictures with her is not something you care to do, is there another option?

As hard as it is to go through these with her, at least she wants to remember these things. That in itself is nice.

That you aren't doing anything for yourself is so not good. Keep in mind it doesn't have to be big, just something to occupy yourself. I go on long walks, do something physical or just get out. I will tell you that early on, I had to force myself to get out some and I still obsessed. Time and practice. I'm sure you're sick of hearing it, but GAL is really the best thing you can do for yourself.

HUGS

Good point telemark,
Exactly my thoughts today as I sit here at work.
AC,
I have been reading your thread over the last couple of days. Over the months you have really been on a rollercoaster. Again, my sitch is very very,similar. I to have depression that comes in waves, unpredictable. The thing that has really helped me has been meeting new people at all the support groups I have joined. Going to these groups was initially very difficult for me. I am a very friendly person, but very shy.

I have forced myself to meet new people, and am trying to keep myself busy almost every night with meetings, i.e. divorce support, Marine Corps League meetings, ACOA, ALANON, ETC ETC. Anything to keep me busy. I am doing a lot of running around, and eventually the pace will lessen as I find groups that I feel more comfortable with, but the point is, you must start doing things for yourself, imho.

I think about my long distance w all the time, but I know I must let her go to finish her journey. Maybe she will come back to me maybe not. But I have to keep going. You will also, you sound pretty strong, just very sad right now. I wish you the best,
Gunny

Been quite a rollercoast week. W is here for one last night. She has about had it with talking with her old friends. She definately feels wanted back here. No idea where that will take her.

Moving forward with the D. She just needs to do it. She recognizes we have had a wonderful M for 20 years. Says she cherishs the memories. She has spent hours collecting photos of our years together, and is taking an enormous number of slides with her to sort through. Says it will be theraputic for her. Loves being back in the house - says she put lots of love into the house (no doubt). I don't understand what it all means.

She is solid on the fact that she can never trust me again, so out marriage is over forever. My single transgression of 8 years ago trumps everything she has done during the last 2 years. I have made mistakes to be sure, but to have our 20 year marriage crumble over this just not make sense. Others on this board have had far, far worse issues. None of this makes sense.