Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wife no longer in love with me - Part 4

My W is so naive. Spoke to her earlier today about splitting assets and she seriously has no idea.
She asked if I was going to buy her out of the house, to which I said no. We should sell it. So she then said ok, can you start looking into what we need to do and speak to agents.
I said no, if she wants to do this then she can organize agents and start the process. She has no idea. As if I am going to assist with any of this, it's all her doing so she can do the whole lot.
She then asked about our furniture, which she doesn't need and i don't want. So she asked if I was buying her out of that. Again I said no, we will have to sell it all and she can organize it.
She then started sounding all sad, and I thought she was about to cry.
I told her we don't have to do this, before it gets too final and we sell the house.
I told her I want to sell it by late November, as I want to move out.....she doesn't want to sell until February as she thinks we'll get a better price.....I couldn't care less about the money.
I think she is realizing how little she has financially and wants to get a bit for the house.....this will get very difficult and messy.

Actually happy making that call today, I'm sick of sitting around being this wimpish fool. She has called all the shots so far, and if she wants to go through with this then I will start pushing her for things to happen.

Does anyone think this is the right move, ie to force my W to sell the house given she is the one wanting all of this to happen??
Situation is I want to get out of the house, it is bringing me down living there as there are too many memories and too much of her/our stuff there. I will have to go and rent somewhere else, so I can't afford to keep our house and rent as well. So we need to sell and sooner rather than later as I want out.
I figure its going to happen anyway, but its all happening on her timeline and by her rules, so she can do all the work to make it happen if its what she wants.
I couldn't care how much we make off it, she sounds like she wants money now as she is realising she has nothing, she earns a modest salary....I earn about 3 times as much as her, so she will struggle when she eventually has to go it on her own (she is living rent free with a friend) - but as she says, she's been through so much crap in her life that she'll be fine.....I can just see this hitting her one day and she will realise what she's given up.

I just think its time to 'get my balls back' and stuff letting her call all the shots. Probably won't help with any DBing, but I don't see much hope of anything changing with her anyway.

Thinking about sending this to my W tonight to get things started.
Would appreciate any thoughts or comments.
Thanks


"W,

Following our discussion on the weekend, I would like us to move forward with selling the house sooner rather than later. It's painful for me to be living there alone and most importantly without you.

I am moving in late November, so I need to have the house finalised and sold before then as I will not be able to maintain the mortgage by myself whilst not living there.

Therefore, can you please start engaging real estate agents and begin this process. I still love you and still think that we can have a great life together as a couple and a family. I've not changed my mind on that. But you need to do what will make you happy. I can not bring myself to assist with you on this, helping you to end our life together, as its not what I want and this is ultimately your decision.

I will send you a set of keys to meet agents and prepare the house for sale (do what you want to the second bedroom). I will be away for the next couple of weekends, so it will give you time to organise agents, remove your things and get it listed. Please keep me informed on the agent selection and your rational for selecting a specific agent and include a break down of the fees along with any other contributing costs.

Once you have your things and this process starts, I do not expect that there will be a need to see each other again, so I will leave it to you to update on the process.

I am heart broken, remorseful, frustrated, disappointed and empty - I trust that you're comfortable with your decision to end our marriage (8 year relationship) and this will help you find whatever or whoever you're looking for.

Cam"

A bit melodramatic no?

It's so obvious what you're doing. I know you're going to argue that what I'm saying isn't true, but here goes.

You're guilting your W into staying with you. In fact, you're threatening her and you're trying to get her back by being a martyr. You mention how hurt you are, etc. which shows that you haven't really learned anything. This is still about her and her hurts. Rather than replaying how hurt you are, you could take some effort into actually understanding things from her POV. It's not fair, but just because YOU are remorseful, doesn't mean that she has to accept it just like that.

In fact, you should be taking the effort to learn how to heal so that the house doesn't "hurt" you any more. If you want to sell it, fine. But don't add all that other stuff about how your W has caused you to be hurt and that's why you're doing it. It's guilt that you're trying to force her to feel. Is that really what you want her to feel? Is GUILT the main emotion you want her to feel in order to work on the M? Of course not.

"I can not bring myself to assist with you on this, helping you to end our life together, as its not what I want and this is ultimately your decision."

Didn't you actually assist her by not giving her what she needed in the first place? You may not want it now, but in the past, you may not have cared less.

Again, if you're going to sell, then sell. But sell it for the right reasons.

Bond....in a way you are right. But I also feel like living in this house is causing me to live in limbo. It won't make me move on, as being here makes me feel like she will come back one day, which is very unlikely.

Doing this is also a test as well......which will probably go the way I expect, but it will make her actually follow through and put her money where her mouth is. So far she has done nothing but get her lawyer to send me a letter in June, and thats it. So if she is going to go ahead with this, then I don't know what she's waiting for.

Good points, no I dont want her to feel guilt...I want her to think about what she's doing and look at it harder, as I don't think she has. She is just blocking it as it's too painful for her.

So I don't do it then?

"being here makes me feel like she will come back one day, which is very unlikely."

Last time I checked, you weren't a fortune teller. So you really don't know. The house isn't the source of your pain. Is it a reminder? Sure. So is every romantic song that you hear on the radio, a pretty girl that looks like her in passing, a movie that has a plot similar to your life. Everything is a trigger. BTW that's what they're called. Triggers.

Triggers fade in time. They do. I was as pessimistic as you were and it's only over time that those things don't run my life. Take the fact that nothing has happened as a blessing. It gives you the time to re-establish the trust.

"She is just blocking it as it's too painful for her."
Again, stop assuming you know what she thinks. The only thing you know for sure is that she has been hurt and doesn't trust you.

"I want her to think about what she's doing and look at it harder"

What's up with all the "I want"? Weren't you the one who "wanted" to get drunk before? How did that work out for you? What does she want? And I don't mean a D. She wants to not be hurt any more. She wants to have fun and live her life (without any drama). She wants peace.

Knowing that, how can you do that? Even staying away can achieve that. You want her to stop thinking about the bad and start thinking about the good.

Concentrate on that.

Moving and sticking her with a decision she doesn't want really doesn't seem to be helping her see you in a positive light. I'm not saying that you need to accommodate her, but to a certain degree, she feels that you owe it to her after all the stuff you've put her through.

It's up to you on whether you need to sell or not. But don't do it to stick it to her or to make her "feel" something. It's just as childish as removing your tattoo. Yeah I'm sure she really wants to run back to you after that action.

"being here makes me feel like she will come back one day, which is very unlikely."

Last time I checked, you weren't a fortune teller. So you really don't know. The house isn't the source of your pain. Is it a reminder? Sure. So is every romantic song that you hear on the radio, a pretty girl that looks like her in passing, a movie that has a plot similar to your life. Everything is a trigger. BTW that's what they're called. Triggers.

Triggers fade in time. They do. I was as pessimistic as you were and it's only over time that those things don't run my life. Take the fact that nothing has happened as a blessing. It gives you the time to re-establish the trust.

"She is just blocking it as it's too painful for her."
Again, stop assuming you know what she thinks. The only thing you know for sure is that she has been hurt and doesn't trust you.

"I want her to think about what she's doing and look at it harder"

What's up with all the "I want"? Weren't you the one who "wanted" to get drunk before? How did that work out for you? What does she want? And I don't mean a D. She wants to not be hurt any more. She wants to have fun and live her life (without any drama). She wants peace.

Knowing that, how can you do that? Even staying away can achieve that. You want her to stop thinking about the bad and start thinking about the good.

Concentrate on that.

Moving and sticking her with a decision she doesn't want really doesn't seem to be helping her see you in a positive light. I'm not saying that you need to accommodate her, but to a certain degree, she feels that you owe it to her after all the stuff you've put her through.

It's up to you on whether you need to sell or not. But don't do it to stick it to her or to make her "feel" something. It's just as childish as removing your tattoo. Yeah I'm sure she really wants to run back to you after that action.

Ok, thanks they are alll good points.
I'm glad in ran this by the forum....thank you Bond.

I agree with Bond. Don't send it.

Thanks DG, I won't.
I am finding it so hard to detach, I've read so many articles and it just doesn't resonate with me....and I don't know how to remove her from my life, my thoughts from waking to bed....I think about her and miss her all day every day...and it just gets worse the more this goes on and the longer we're apart.