Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers It's time to let go part II

"Imagine you were at work one day, and one of your male coworkers, with whom you've known and gotten along well with for years, came up to you and said, "ILY please love me back, I can't go on without you"...
Would you rush into his arms and run off into the sunset with him? NO of course not. You'd think, "What the the hell is wrong with this guy? I don't have any interest in him, I don't feel anything for him. I don't want him telling me he loves me! And you'd walk away quickly wondering what kind of pathetic guy would profess their love for someone YOU cared nothing about?"
Well WE are that "casual Co-worker" to our Hs right now."


Someone posted this^^^^^^^elsewhere and it made me laugh but it makes sense.

Hi Rick,

I have read this last thread and completely empathize with you. It's so hard to be in this situation. I hope you find the support group helpful.

I also had anger issues in my marriage. I am now seeing a therapist that specializes in anger management and I am reading a lot - just got a couple of books recommended in forgiveness, which is a big issue for me.

You mentioned having been away from church for years. I was too, but am slowly coming back, like the prodigal son, it took losing everything for me to come back to God. People always tell me - have faith and let go - ask God to take over for me. It's hard, but I definitely feel like getting back to my roots is helping my healing process.
But it all takes time - my husband left 10 months ago and I can tell you that I feel better (or I should say, less sad) than when he left.

I have worked really hard at focusing on the positive things in my life. For once - my kids. I have 3 kids under the age of 4 and THEY NEED ME. Same with your daughter. Specially at this very difficult age for her. Focus on that and on enjoying every little moment with her. At first I was "acting as if", because I had absolutely no desire to smile or laugh with my kids. But now, I truly have great times with them. I use the stop sign technique to try to snap out of my sadness and really put my mind in the present moment with them. And I feel better about it, and they are doing better too.

Also focus on GAL - things for yourself. I bet you have heard it a million times, but it's true - it helps! And I am sure your W will notice. You have the advantage that she is still at home, so all your changes will be noticed faster by her. Think of that as a positive instead of thinking of the divorce process...

Finally, I had also come across the casual co-worker analogy. It helped me a lot. I always asked myself - how come H does not feel anything for me? After almost 20 years together? But if he sees me as a co-worker, then I can see how all the begging, peading, crying, etc. will just make him run away faster.

Anyways - thanks for posting on my thread, and don't dispair. Your situation seems like it's fairly new - (since june?) You probably have heard in these boards that it's not that long and this will take a long time. I am mentally prepared for a marathon that will probably last a long, long time, but I will be feeling better and better everyday. I can already start noticing small differences in my emotional state of mind. And this painful journey will end...

Journaling

Yesterday was a fairly good day. Came home said hi to W and she gave me this hellooooooooo with an English accent? i told D tha bizarre food was on and she said she will come to eat a little and watch. We finished dinner and we sat on the couch. During that time someone called our landline 5 times and her cell phone. D did not recognize the number, it had a weird stanic like id. When I came downstairs W and D were staring at the phones and D told me she was scared. We sat on the couch and told D that I will find out who it was. She said no. I said get my phone from upstairs. She did. I showed her how to block a number by me calling her cell. She relaxed after that. So I called the number and it was one one her school friends. D was so relieved and gave me a huge hugg. W was intensily looking at what I was doing. Told D to never worry that I will alwys be by her side and protect her. Not sure what is up with W but she looks very tense during dinner graving her head.

I think yesterday I did some detaching and felt good was even able to sleep.n Wednesdays W usually getsdinner ready in a pan. She did not do that today so I will buyraviolis and sauce and cook that. I usually ask W if that is ok. Today I will decide what we eat. Good feeling and maybe it is a 180.

^

Rambling

This morning I said to W "have a good day" She looked at me and I looked at her and she said the same. That was the 1st time she had been in the kitchen when I left for work in weeks. I have also noticed or have a weird feeling that she is watching me? I don't know if this is normal. I think she is intrigued as to what I'm reading/typing into my Iphone. Usually I'm in here. I have to pay more attention to what she is doing or maybe not. Latetly she has been making more eye contact, I need to do better in that regards I never liked looking at people in the eyes. Makes me anxious. W continues to sleep in our living room, no phone call, TM, email nada. We continue to eat dinner and some times breakfast. In 3 weeks we will have our 1st court date. W has not said anything about it but she is looking very preoccupied latetly. I was thinking that maybe I should have a R talk as I don't think she will ever make the 1st move. She is not that kind of person. Would hate to be D and be told "you never asked or talked about it". The one thing is that D and I are getting along great. I'm getting to know her even more. She really is a mini me.

Detaching is very hard but I keep trying to do it and it really helped yesterday and a bit today. It just gives you a little peace from the spinning. Had 2 nights of pretty good sleep and my appetite is almost back. Would hate to gain the 8 lbs I lost. Hope everyone has a good day

((Rick))
It's hard to tell why your w is looking at you more. Just keep working on you and detaching. If she is interested.. her actions will be more consistent.

If you were going to have an r talk, what would it be? With the court date around the corner.. it makes sense you are anxious. Probably that is pushing a little bit into your need to speak with your w.

We worry that our spouses don't care. We worry that they will want us to move towards them.. but we were too scared. Makes sense.. we want our marriages to work!!

Those worries are based in fear.

The truth is.. if someone wants to talk or move towards us.. they will. I know it hurts when that doesn't happen but it's true. If/When our spouses realize the importance of us in their lives... that's when and ONLY when will they move towards us. It may be slow or hesitant but they won't give up.. at least not right away.. because they WILL see value in us again.

As for gaining the weight back.. exercise, eat healthy. If you don't want to gain it back... then don't.

You are right Val I'm anxious about the court and the future. But have not control so lets GAL, right?

Journaling

People's 1st impression of me is that I'm strong and confident. Many have said that to me. But truth be told I am the opposite of that. I'm shy and always make sure that I do not dress or put myself in sitch that draws attention to me. W has complianed that I do not value myself and she is right. I am the opposite of a narcsissit. I guess that makes me meek. My department competed in a state wide performance improvement project this year. My project came in 11th out 57 state wide and 3rd within my agency. I wipped this thing in 3 days. Made sure it would not come in 1st or 2nd place. Why? Because I would have to present the project in front of hundreds including a previous governor. So I made sure it wasn't that good. I do not like public speaking I freeze like a deer in a head light. My boss does not like public speaking either. The VP of my agency asked that we present the project last week in front of hundres of staff. Guess how I felt? so I aksed the boss to do it. She agreed but she asked that I stand by her for support. I said nothing while she spoke pretty akward moments. We actually had to present the project on two different days. In addition, I never asked a woman out. Not even my W. Don't know why I thought of this today. Pathetic huh?

I don't know how this behavior of mine became clear to me. I guess a 180 would be to be more outgoing, dress in clothes that will attrack attention, flirt more, speak more.

So I did that today. Wore a leather jacket that W bought many years ago. I never wear it because people give me compliments and I don't do well with compliments. I walked into work and guess what? People complimented me but I did not shy away and said thanks. Maybe wil buy new clothing this weekend and see how it feels.

So I did that today. Wore a leather jacket that W bought many years ago. I never wear it because people give me compliments and I don't do well with compliments. I walked into work and guess what? People complimented me but I did not shy away and said thanks. Maybe wil buy new clothing this weekend and see how it feels.

Now that's the spirit! As uncomfotable as it may be, once you get used to it, it actually feels pretty good. Now don't go getting yourself a big head, cause you know one of us will have to knock you down a peg or two

Keep working on you!!

"Now don't go getting yourself a big head, cause you know one of us will have to knock you down a peg or two"

That^^^^^^won't happen. Have lots of work on me ahead.

Journaling

WAW was super cold last night even tough we ate dinner togetehr. Said maybe one word. This morning she made me breakfast and not a word from her. Some days she talks some days she doesn't? GALing today clean garage a bit and later in the day go to Smithville. Nice little town with many shops, very historical.