ExBF locked D in a room last night, and when I came out to see why she was shreiking, I found him using a lint brush on a jacket, very calmly. I asked if he could get her (didn't show him I was freaked out) and he said no. He said, "I told her I'd come back." And so I went and got her. She was shaking and threw up on me.
Just wondering - was he trying to get her to go to sleep by training her to be alone in the room, and promising he'd come back in a little while? If that was the case, doesn't seem like a bad approach, but you both have to be on the same page. On the other hand, if he just got overwhelmed and locked her away cause he couldn't deal, that's another matter.
As for him saying he might lose his job - how do you know he hasn't already? I've been suspicious of that for a while.
He was shouting at her, and then locked her in a room. It was scary. We don't do that with her. He has never wanted to let her cry it out. If he did, he should have approached me with a plan of some sort.
He talks about meetings he's missing, and how his boss wanted him to get something to him and he didn't (he hurt his arm.) he was upset yesterday b/c his boss didn't ask how he was, only that he was upset he didn't get him this thing.
He barely gets by. It's sort of like what I talk about with my IC - it was always "just about what was needed" that made me crazy. Like nothing egregious - he was there - in the R - but never really there. (My issue for choosing this). I see this behavior in his work life too. Kind of doing the minimum then covering his $ss. He hasn't been to the office in weeks, as far as I know. But no one notices b/c his boss is in CA and his "team" is him (the manager) and one other person ... and he's very very good to her.
My mom seems overwhelmed by the idea. I haven't officially approached her with it until today. She was kind of in denial. She offered to pay rent here for two months, but I said I wasn't sure what that would accomplish. I didn't want to owe her more money and I can't really afford this long term and the way the real estate market is in these towns in this county, it's impossible to find what I can afford (improbable, I should say). So today I said I'm freaked out. I can't subsist like this. I can't work 16 hours a day and not sleep and have no support from exBF and live in a place I can't afford. Basically I asked her to help me look for places, brainstorm, ask around. I said, "I'm not asking to move home; that wouldn't be idea for me." I think she thinks I'm subtly trying to tell her that, but I reminded her I'm not a subtle person. I'd come right out with it - I said the benefit for me would be paying off my debt and having a bit of savings before I move on and find another home for D and I. Or, I move into another place I can just about afford and carry this debt. And deal with D's sleep issues, etc. On my own.
Yes, here is ideal, and I even thought about the roommate thing again, but my neighbors could here D shrieking last night. Who would want to live here? We're here all the time.
I have a couple potential long-term contracts, but nothing solid yet. IDK!
All I know is that something switched in my last night. I'm ready to move to the next stage.
It's sad. We have so much here - D and I. Our neighbors and neighborhood; so much has come together beautifully in the past month. An old friend I reconnected with last weekend - walks we want to go on - my great upstairs neighbor - the moms across the street. The library and all its kids programs down the street, the YMCA where I work out and D has class (all walking distance). My sitter, my back up sitter, my church. It's a real community for me.
I know we'll be okay no matter what happens. I value stability so much now for her and I. I'm tired of being in survival/crises mode - things go well for a week - when I am getting sleep at night (i.e. exBF is here, which is obviously not a long-term solution) I am *golden* - I'm happy, energetic, positive, networking, making things happen - but ... the sleeping has been an issue for 2 years. And I don't know why it would change now.
Being at my parents would be annoying - I don't like being around my dad. But it would be another way to learn forgiveness and boundaries, as I have around exBF -
My mother is afraid D will wake her up at night (she'll hear her crying). My mother is afraid of her 17,000 dollar couch? (I didn't even notice this) - my mother and father have no furniture barely. They lived in the house 7 years. This is one piece of furniture - D's never gone near it in all the times she's gone there.
My mom said things aren't childproofed. But nothing really needs to be. They have no furniture, and D would spend most of her time in the upstairs space. (I think my mom didn't think that was the case).
It's a big area for bedroom, a bathroom and then a big area - that's all (Upstairs) but it's enough for our two beds, and a couch, TV and play area. I'd have to figure out where to work - probably just using my laptop somewhere.
Yeah, it'd be annoying as heck. But ... it would probably work for a while - a year maybe. And I could pay off debt with the child support money and $1200 per month for 12 months - and put in extra. Even if I leave there debt free with no savings, that would be huge. I'd have my coaching certification and steady work ... but I'd def. use the time to get D stable and me stable and look for a longer-term place for us and pay off debt, try to save a bit - so it'd be worth the hassle for all that. (AND the biggest thing NOT having to rely on exBF)
And then I'd put aside $1,000 a month for savings instead of paying rent (I meant to add that to above). So I could potentially pay all the debt off (20K now) and save maybe 5 or 10K, which would be nice. And start up my IRA, a little savings for D, and get this whole money thing under control. Ahhh...
While I'd be having to keep on top of money, it'd be nice to to not feel the intense pressure I do now - if I'm sick one day, or D is or I have to take a day off, or she doesn't sleep at night, it's not going to make or break me like it does now.
Ummm...Lila, that all sounds fine except - your mom is telling you she doesn't want you to live there! You need to sharpen up your listening skills - just like with ExBF, you tend not to hear things you don't want to hear.
Sorry, but you're going to have to come up with another solution.
Did mom actually say she would GIVE you the money for the rent for a couple of months, or was she clearly just lending it to you?
If she was willing to give it to you, could that help you get moved into a more affordable apartment?
AS for D's sleeping issues - since you're not willing or able to let her cry it out (I understand your hesitation, but you still might be underestimating the power of that approach) - then I recommend the following:
- CONSISTENT early wake-up time, no matter when she goes to sleep. - Outdoors early in the day (morning sunshine helps set the pineal gland internal clock) - VIGOROUS physical activity for her throughout the day (a physically tired kid is more likely to sleep) - Fish oil supplements - If she takes multivitamins, give them in the morning (B vitamins can be stimulating) - Since BF has food sensitivity issues, consider putting her on a trial of a gluten-free dairy-free diet with lots of fat and protein - Check for pinworms! - Regular bedtime routine - Keep lights in the house very low in the evening. - No computer or square screens for her in the evening
Thanks. I'm more aware of listening. My mom I guess was saying "I'll think about it and we'll have to talk to your father."
But I didn't hear a no. Just some concerns.
At any rate, I just put up an ad for a roommate. I have tons of ads up! I'm trying anything! I really don't see how the roommate sitch would work, but who knows. Maybe it'll be someone who is never home.
She gets up every day at 7:22 (Except after nights like last night). She takes fish oil every day - the nanny wears her out (this kid has classes, gym, library, etc.). She rarely has gluten or dairy - but I will try to avoid more.
Thanks for all the tips.
BTW, what should I think of exBF's behavior with her last night. It's sort of "shelved" in my mind right now. It scared me, quite frankly. My gut was not any more inclined to assist him in getting overnights with her.
Also, I worry about "consistent nighttime routine" -
With exBF putting her down, it's rarely consistent. If I put her down every night, it's not something that lets me do much else in the evenings. One night a week the sitter puts her down - I put her down three, and exBF and I four (together). Should it always be me? Or do you just meant the routine - book, cuddling, etc. (She doesn't do baths before bed b/c they are overstimulating for her.
Last night, I'll be honest - I didn't want to say anything to exBF but he rushes her home at 7:22 and thinks he can put her to sleep in 8 minutes. I didn't want to say "she needs transition time" (which is why you have to start at like 6 - dinner, pjs, washing, brushing, books, lights low, etc. but she can't transition in 8 mins. And so he started shouting at her, and I didn't hear it all (I was on my class conference call in another room) but it was bad, and when I got up to go see what was going on, that's when I found her in the dark room with the door closed and her banging on the door and shrieking.
For a single mom looking to share a space/resources/etc. That might be a good idea. We can be each other's back up - (for babysitting, or dinner in a pinch or something.)
(Except after nights like last night). She takes fish oil every day - the nanny wears her out (this kid has classes, gym, library, etc.). She rarely has gluten or dairy - but I will try to avoid more.