Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Learning from the pain....hard lessons

couple things. IS, a close friend of mine called me Thursday for the first time in years. Arranged to have lunch while I was in my hometown. He died the next day while I was there.

I tell you this b/c of the nature of our conversation. It was NOT a typical thing for him to call me or to leave a voicemessage saying he "loves me" and would "talk to me later", etc. The content of the conversation was mostly about how badly he felt about his life, which amazed me.

He beat cancer when we were teens, has had a long term marriage and 2 kids. Still plays the guitar better than anyone i have ever known...BUT he said he was "supposed to be a rock star by now" (to which I replied, "I was supposed to be President"; we adapt).

Point is, he saw his life so weirdly and thru such a negative lens.

When I heard he died, I literally thought he'd taken his life. But he had a heart attack and yet somehow knew to reach out to me and imo, sensed his pending death. The whole conversation supports this sense, and it was NOT typical for us...

so yeah, I think there's something greater than us that we OFTEN shut our eyes to...miracles abound.

You are on your journey and so is your w. For NOW, you're not on the same one though there is a parallel with s4.

Be there for him. See if she'd move out AND give you sufficient visitation. it's coming at some point, unless she turns this around and you being in her way (and in your own) is not helping.

Have you considered meds for the blurting out? I'm sincerely asking. No shame in it.

IS - I just read this whole last thread and even though I don't know all the details of your situation, I can see a lot of similarities with mine. I also struggle a lot with too much R talking and I personally feel like I backslide all the time. My H is in a R with OW, so I understand all the pain that you feel re. that. He used to text with her all the time in front of me, even knowing how it hurt me. He doesn't do that anymore and I think partly because their R has solidified some more.

I understand the helplessness you express in your posts about not being able to act on all the things you rationally know you should do and how to avoid what you know is not productive. All I can do is wish you strength and a lot of patience. I believe in my heart that with practice and patience we will both get there.



_________________________
Me 40
H 41
D1 - almost 4
D2 - almost 3
S3 - almost 3 months
Together: 19.5 years
M: 13.5 years
EA: 11/13/10
ILYB - 12/21/10
S: 12/23/10
PA: Jan or Feb 2011

thanks to you guys for your support. VERY VERY VERY much appreciated. Believe me, the support has helped my morale. Like I've said, i'm not sure WHAT i believe, but I am thankful for any and all prayers *just in case* and I send them up for you guys also.


Thank you so much!!!!!

I actually do have anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds right now. Mostly working, sometimes my mouth is just a pain --- a loud, repetitive pain. Honestly, I'm doing better than I have at some points. Depends on the day. Depends on the time of day.... blah blah blah.....

Yes, I am about to the point where i will.....almost.......welcome......her moving out. We NEED the separation, regardless. I cannot sit here and know where she is (with OW) etc.... watch her text for hours, etc.... I'm totally not superhuman. Hel@, I need the space for me at this point. But damn it, I still want my M to heal. These are the things that cause my obsessions...... my little dude.... I don't want his world rocked and upset. I'd walk through fire for my son... so I'm DBing my best....but my insides are so sad.

She spent most of today with OW-- I really think she resents having to spend ANY time with me. She is out at Halloween party tonight.... I'm assuming with OW.

Oh interesting last night... we went to S's halloween party at his preschool. She texted the WHOLE f'in time....poor taste at least, right??? I did say "W, must you do that while we are out with OUR son????" She ignored that....

Well, I made the mistake of asking her what the box in the backseat of her car was....I had no idea.... and didn't want the answer I got. Shouldn't ask ANYTHING.......it was a gift sent by OW to W's workplace... great. I told her i do NOT want to hear about OW in ANY context. Please do not mention her to me. I told W OW does NOT exist in my universe..... W said, rather callously...."good luck with that..."

I acted the rest of the night, after I set that 'boundary' as if everythign was GREAT. I talked to everyone at the party. I was a real social butterfly...*remember, I am SHY!!! a real 180 and not an easy one!!!! ** while W stood around and texted, I was actually involved in S's party. It was fun. Most importantly S enjoyed himself!!!!

I accidentally noticed today she has a picture of OW as her background on her phone. YUCKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!

I've got to do some work.

IS! That really sux. The alien has officially taken over, hasn't it? Its so hard to understand how someone who once proclaimed to love you can so callously disregard your feelings.

You deserve better.

But! Remember why you are doing this. No one said it was easy. You have been extraordinarily tough throughout your sitch, and only you know how much you can take.

Sounds like you did a great job at S's party, maybe just focusing on your time with him right now is what will make this easier. I still think once she stops drinking the OW kool-aid and gets the reality check of taking care of S without assistance, things will change.

Praying for you my friend!! (((())))

yes, keeping the focus on my little dude makes it much better. As long as I'm with him, the other things fade a little in the background.

No, it's NOT easy. I do try and try and try, but my goodness she doesn't make it any easier She always said we were 'forever' and she 'couldn't imagine life without me'. Guess the infatuation must be pretty good to slam out 13 years and a 4 year old huh???

W: I don't have any feelings for you at all

Really? Won't look me in the eye? Really?

Yes, I know infatuation is a powerful drug. Dopamine, endorphins, the whole nine yards. BUT my goodness, I've stood by her no matter what (and believe me, there were some rough patches!)

I have been married 4 years and is the 2nd marriage for me and first for H. H never wanted children and said he didnt want any before marriage. I agreed and later after 2 years i got pregnant accidently and he made me get an abortion. After that I was really depressed and we argued a lot. We have been marriaed 4 years about a couple of months back he said the marriage is not working and he does not feel anything for me. I begged and pleaded, planned exciting things, he stayed back for some time. three weeks ago he left, i have been trying to get my head together. I have not seen him since then but he chats or calls me sometimes. When i was away from the house he came and did the yardwork, hired ploughman to help me. I called me today and asked if he is coming back and he said he needed time. He said he thought i was doing ok and was suprised that i was feeling low. I really want the marriage to work. How can i get him back - what do i need to do?

OK so she just sent me a text saying she won't be home tonight.


OMG...............................


THE PAIN IS OVERWHELMING..........

she told me she was going to a work party and would come home to watch a movie with me tonight.

This was a bit.....unexpected....
She didn't even have the ba!@s to call me. TEXT.

OMG. PAIN PAIN PAIN>

OK ---- SO WTF do I do now???????