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Oh I know she will, in fact she has a cycle of being nice one day and the frigid the next almost like she's compensating. I probably should've provided a little more info...

So between the bomb drop and when she caught me logging into her Facebook page, I was doing a 180 of asking her about her day when she got home from work and then staying 100% engaged during the conversation. Most days it went well and we had long talks, longer than in our past. She was also working 7:30-4, five days a week. We live together still, share a bed, and generally get along well.

Then the Facebook fiasco happened and I got the roommate speech about a week later. During that period I kept trying the talk about her day 180 but was getting two word responses and frigid reactions. Clearly she didn't want to talk so I dropped it and stopped. I let her be in silence except for a hello.

So things have thawed a bit since then... sort of, though now we've talked about actually splitting up which we hadn't before though it was always clearly implied.

So tonight's comment and non-verbals made me wonder if she is missing the 180 I was doing. She clearly enjoyed telling me about her day and I found that I actually enjoyed her stories

My gut says to maybe try the experiment once or twice and see what happens. If she shuts down, ok, don't go there anymore.

And my journal for today... a good day I guess. I posted already about the morning and creating my boundary with her.

One odd moment this morning was my W being in the back bathroom getting her makeup on. I tell her I'm leaving for work and she calls me back asking if I want my two pens I accidentally left in there. They're nice pens and my W has a pen fetish. We joke about the danger of leaving a nice pen around her. She complains that she just lost her last Dr. Grip pen because a co-worker stole it and wouldn't admit it. I ask her if she wants one.. I have plenty more at the office... she smiles and says sure and thanks. Not sure I should've done that; man it's hard not to fall into old ways.

It was her day off and didn't hear from her most of the day.

Then a little after lunch I get an email from our local clinic that an appointment had been made for our S to see a doctor (he woke me up at 2:30am with ear pain). I was sort of miffed that she was taking him to the doctor and didn't tell me, but I calmed down and chalked it up to having to get kids from school due to the half day or just being cold or whatever. So I called her to find out what was wrong. Nothing major just that S was showing more ear infection symptoms. Ok.

Later I get text msg from W confirming that its an ear infection. I text her back asking if she thinks he can go to school tomorrow. We have an all day in-service that I could miss but need to tell people (in fact, I would love to miss ). I wait... I wait... I wait... 30 minutes go by, no answer. I text again and wait... and wait... what the heck. So I go to call her and see that for whatever reason text messaging isn't working. Glad I checked that before calling her all ticked off.

Planned the call to be a quick question, but she then proceeds to talk for about 10 minutes about the pharmacy and the doctor visit. Telling me funny stories about both. After listening and sharing I end the call which I was proud of.

Get home and we share some more stories. I snuggle with the sick S while W watches us. We play some Go Fish, my S's favorite card game (and only card game) I get up and go to get dinner put out (crockpot night). W follows me and starts talking about the drama with her friend that I mentioned before. It's a really long story, but the short version is that her friend is engaged to an Army officer. A few days ago her friend got a phone call from the officer's wife in California asking who she was and why she had a phone on their family plan. Her friend believed the officer was divorced and had even seen divorce papers (apparently faked). There's more, but that's the essence.

My W is obviously incensed by this man's behavior... I stay engaged and empathize, another 180 for me. It really wasn't that hard as I was pretty disgusted by the guy too. It's now the third or fourth story in as many days about wives with really terrible, horrible husbands/boyfriends/fiancees. Each time I stay engaged, but in the back of my mind think "WTF?????"

We shared some more stories and then she left for the night to go to the city and get a wax job done by her friend. She's off tomorrow so I imagine they'll go get a drink after the wax job and I won't see her until the morning.

She did call though tonight to talk to SS, SD, and S. SS and SD were with their dad so got home after she left. She didn't stay on the phone to talk with me which was expected. I did find it very interesting though that she called, especially since this past weekend I told her that her going out for fun and not communicating with the kids really bothers me and isn't good for them. I didn't text her a thanks or anything, just left it be. No idea if it was due to our talk or not, but it was nice to see.

WHG - Nice update! Sounds like you had a fairly decent day. Interesting that your W mentions terrible marriage/relationship problems of other people. Maybe she is thinking, she doesn't have it so bad after all? Keep the faith!

Hey 2TP... I don't know what's up with that. I mean, granted, she's got a lot of friends with husbands who have issues... ok, not that I don't but I'm not beating anyone, cheating on her, have a secret wife, I do housework and domestic stuff, I don't hit the kids. Ok.. granted, all of those seem fairly "lowest common denominator" things, but still

I try not to see it as something positive... don't want to raise false hope. I actually think sometimes she may be baiting me, perhaps even subconsciously. Waiting for me to say, "see? For gravy's sake, I'm not like those guys!" Which would of course immediately invalidate her concerns and issues and tell her that I'm not really committed to changing me. Or that she should "settle" for me as her friends have settled for their deadbeat husbands.

So I just leave it alone because I don't what to do with it. I just stay present in the conversation, offer some thoughts, ask her how she feels about it, and listen.

Ok... here is a question for the wise ones on the board. DR and my DB coach say to look for the small, incremental changes. Don't expect "I love you, I'm sorry I did this, and everything is better" to ever come out of your spouse's mouth. Instead look for small changes in their behavior, especially if in proximity to a 180. Ok... that makes sense. This is a marathon of baby steps.

But how do you reconcile that with overanalyzing everything? Reading too much into any one event that makes you see it as a baby step when it turns out it's just an anomaly?

Here's an example... last night my W got home earlier than expected. We talked a little and I started getting ready for bed. We talked about today's schedule. She got testy because she probably couldn't go to her guitar lesson tonight because of my all-day work event today that "you just dropped on me this morning." Ummm.. no dear, we talked about it on Monday, via text message, and I asked if your sister could watch the kids because i wasn't going to drag my mom 30 miles to watch the kids for a 30 minute guitar lesson. She replied that she would take care of it.

So when she accused me last night of "dumping it on her" I stood up for myself. In the past I would've meekly stood up to her and then apologized for the work trip and gone off to sulk. But last night I stood my ground and reminded her of Monday. Then I pulled out my phone to go over the messages. Then she did. Then she realized she was wrong. She was still testy, but now at herself not me.

Ok... fast forward to this morning. She's in a pretty good mood and we're having fun with the kids and getting ready. Talking about her day and whatnot. She tells me that her hormones must be crazy right now because she had a dream last night about our favorite restaurant in the whole world. It's really a fondue chain and we've been to sites in five states. We talk a little bit about how good it is. Then a little later we're talking with our S and she suddenly winks at me.

Now... the "looking for positive reactions to my 180" brain says yes.. see? I stood up for myself and pushed her back and it got a good reaction the next morning. But the "let's not get our hopes up" brain says... it was just a morning that went well. Doesn't mean anything, don't even focus on it.

This is where my head starts to hurt.

I wouldn't necessarily consider myself one of the wise ones on the board, but I'll offer up a couple of shiny pennies.

Collect those positives, but take them with a grain of salt. Don't get too excited about them. The WAW will tend to cycle through the come closer, push away, come closer, push away phases. Look for trends, or when the small positives get closer together. One piece of feedback your W gave you is that your 180 worked. Continue to look for those 180s.

I totally hear you, working. I have found myself over-analyzing every movement, each word, each facial expression.. heck, even his body language sitting in the chair watching star trek. You will drive yourself crazy doing this... I know, cause I have done this myself.

I have had been practicing to detach from his every single move, or how he speaks when he says something. Some things I pay attention to, and others I do not.

I keep telling myself... how can I rationalize an MLC'er's thoughts, or behavior, when the MLC'er themselves are confused!

I think this is where some detachment really helps. I know, it is easier said than done and I'm still learning to put it to practice. But once you detach from some behaviors and just don't let yourself go there... and analyze every move, it does help and gets a little better to deal with.

It won't hurt to take it as a positive. I'm proud of you standing your ground. It takes getting the victory over smaller things in order to gain more courage and tackle the bigger ones.

Hi WHG- that is one thing I took away from my coaching session- appreciate but don't get too excited about the positives. Expect the following backlash and you won't be disappointed.

Something else she told me that for whatever reason is keeping me focused: Give yourself a goal in terms of time. Say, for the next 2 weeks I will follow the DB principles to the letter, and then reevaluate. What would happen in the next 2 weeks that would tell you it was working?

But I would think that means you are doing it correctly... Keep on keeping on!

THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING!

Ok... thanks, I feel a little better But man is it ever... Overall I guess a good day, though very melancholy for me. I already posted about the morning. Rest of the day was spent on a bus as we took a tour of all the different work and project sites my agency has around our service area. The melancholy part came from one stop.

We stopped at a resale store my agency operates. It was at that store, six years ago, that my W called me. She had just finished a routine pre-natal visit and had an ultrasound. During the ultrasound they had found some strange cysts in my son's brain. It was in the dressing room of that resale store where I talked to my W and cried. Then had to endure the long drive back with co-workers who had no idea what was going on. So when we got there today that all came flooding back. Made me think about how we got where we are today and all that. And then I had to again endure a long drive back with co-workers who have no idea what's going on.

For added benefit the bus then went by the wedding store where my W found her "perfect dress" for our wedding. Awesome, thanks for that. And riding around on a bus I had waaay too much time on my hands to sit and ruminate.

Though one thing that occurred to me is that... on that day things looked so dark. A baby with major brain issues and perhaps having to abort or decide about it at least. And here, six years later, our S is a healthy, active, brilliant little man. So yeah... it can sure look dark but it's only darkest in the hour before the dawn.

No comms from my W at all except for a txt msg late asking to grab soda on the way home. I wish I knew why this bothers me more than almost any other aspect of this. Got home and was pretty anxious about what the house would be like, since this morning was good. But tonight was really great. Really it was. It was like old times but better.

My W's nephew was over and the kids all played. I helped my W get dinner finished up and took garbage out to the curb. W and I joked around and talked. She dyed her hair this morning and it looked good so I told her (and noticing that she did it is a 180 for me). That started a conversation about it. Then I told her that her long hair now really looks good on her and made a joke that it makes her look, as our S5 would say..."hot" (it's a joke b/w W and I b/c the S keeps saying that about pretty woman and we'd really like him to stop... he got it from his older brother). Anyway, she got a sheepish smile, blushed, and said thanks. This is a major change in her reaction to physical appearance compliments. Previously she would get angry at any comment from me on her attractiveness.

So why is this so frustrating?? Because then a little later on I'm in the back room gathering up garbage. She's talking on the phone to her friend and doesn't know I'm right there. My W is going to a "naughty party" tomorrow night (if you've never heard of them... think Tupperware party but with dildos and sex toys). Her friend says, "if you and [me] split you're going to need something". My W replies, "I know I better stock up! {laugh}, I intend to win that battle!".

Ok... and then just a little bit ago we were talking about her work. I was asking her how it was going and showing interest. It was a good talk. She's training to be part of the facility's emergency team that can be sent around the country to respond to disasters like Katrina, etc... So she was talking about that and I was telling her I was proud of her for following through. Then she goes and mentions that she needs to put together a Family Care plan and would have to see if either of her sisters could come or... and I interrupt her and say I can certainly be the primary for her plan. If she gets called away for weeks there's no reason I can't step in. Not to mention I don't want her sisters running the house for weeks (I didn't say that part).

This is the frustrating part. You have a really good day, feel like your clicking again, feel upbeat and then wham! you get pulled right back.

I've had to reflect that it was only five days ago when she said we would be split up by June. It's ridiculous to expect that to change in five days. And as far as the talking to her friend... again, her heart won't change in five days. So yeah... be reasonable... I had a good day...

So why then can't I just call today a win and move on? That's the frustrating part