Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Looking for the silver lining...

For what it's worth. Life is short. We need to live our lives as best we can.
The question is therefore, what does that living our life to the best we can really mean? Translated, it means what is the purpose of life, no?

Often in the absence of knowing what it means, we listen to the hallmark cards, the commercials, or watch others to see. We turn to religions or drugs or money or sex or careers or schooling or... The list goes on, but it's still the opium of the masses we look for.

One thing that I have found is that while life is short, it's just a reminder we need to live each day. But we should also live as if there is a tomorrow. In the context of seasons, we live each season knowing there is another season that we need to also prepare for. Season or time. A time to laugh. A time to cry. A time to... etc.

Delaying self-gratifying ways is one way we change from a four year old mentality to that of a functioning and mature adult. It has the added benefit of having long term gratifiying results for us. I bring that up because one benefit of working at goals that require delayed self-gratification gives us a sense of purpose. We get taught that in many religions. As a Christian, I see much of that in the teaching and find it to be true. Always have really.

When it comes to the guidelines, much of that is from people who have been there and done that. Based on studies etc. I can see some of the wisdom in those guidelines, but also realize that averages are a funny thing. Statistics and such can be interpreted many different ways and often are.

Personally, I think when you are able to stand on your own, be happy and content as you are with or without somebody else and have more for yourself than you can enjoy, then you are ready to share it with somebody else.

Like a previous poster, I endured years and by the time my ex left the second time, I knew I couldn't trust her enough again to have a relationship. At least not without a lot of changes that I would never see. The damage was too deep and too severe and I knew I had done everything I could to save the relationship. I was done being abused and being treated like the last 6 years of my marriage. I've often thought that if she hadn't done this, I might have. I didn't want this however, but I did want change. I think we all do over the course of our relationships.

I started dating not long after she left that second time. I found that I wasn't done "baking" - grieving, anger, etc. That torpedoed that third relationship which lasted quite a while. She's a wonderful woman, but my baggage was still truck size and not yet carry on size.

What I'm getting at is that you need to finish working on and developing you. You are forming your identity without H. Finish forming it before you take on too much. I didn't and had to go back to that point. We are all a work in progress, but until you have that balance and foundation and have gelled, your previous relationship will intrude. I've found that to be true at any rate. The guidelines are designed to give you time to gel and go through the process and on average it takes people that kind of time. If they don't, they have a higher risk of falling into the same patterns and relationships and not being happy about it.

My thoughts. Hope they help.

AJ

I've big problems with the "wait one year for every five you were married". There's no way I want to go five years before even thinking about the loving companionship of another woman in my life. That might work for younger people, but I'm 56 and have to make the best of the life I have left.

I set my sights on a year, if I can't see any positive results with my relationship within that time I'll have to think of moving on. I'll have moved so far on in redoing my life by then I'm not sure my wife as she is now would be compatible anymore. As bad as that sounds there comes a point we have to think about these things.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to comment. So very appreciative. I know that I still have a ton of work to do on myself and for myself. Lots of "self" neglect to overcome.

Antonia - it's funny you used the word "standing" - I really hadn't thought of that term in many, many months. Made me question - "am I "standing"?" And I found that I really can't answer that. I don't know WHAT I am doing. Still trying to develop good habits and recognize my own needs. Still trying determine goals, plans for the future. Still trying to get by. Facing a lot of financial fears. Facing some loneliness. Facing ALOT of exhaustion. Seeing glimpses of repressed anger. Often overwhelmed. Often questioning myself over every decision - big and small.

I turned to these classes at the local church because I felt a really strong desire to hear more positive messages. Maybe to be reinforced in having some moral boundaries when I feel surrounded by complete immorality. And I am getting more and more angry as I see XH become more and more self-righteous. He has definitely had the "just get over it" attitude towards me since day 1. He has never looked back - never reached out - never checked on anything with regards to me, the house, our old life. And I have never asked him for anything since he left. I feel like I have just taken care of business. But it is just so callous and in his case so polar opposite the man I was with for so long. I know I have read that when they leave - they have had this planned for a long time and their "grieving" took place long before - when we had no idea it was going on. So now that the leaving has occurred, we are now going through our turn. This explanation disturbs me so much - not that I doubt it is true - but just in terms of the unravelling it does of the time we were together.

Anyway, sorry for the rambling - just lots of thoughts I am trying to work through and as always I am so, so grateful for your input. You all have been such a source of strength. I really don't know what I would have done without this place!

Have a great day!

I think the classes themselves are a part of your process of healing, and as such, there also will come a time when you probably start to feel that you might need to move on from them.

I have nothing against support groups at all, or classes, but there will come a point when you probably want to detach from something that is sort of put out there for "survivors of divorce" or whatever they happen to be calling it. Why? Because you don't want to define yourself by your divorce.

I actually thought about joining a divorce support group myself and instead ended up joining the meditation group I go to. I can work through the divorce "fallout", of course, with my meditation and the discussions we have in our group, but what I like about my group is that we are not all victims of shattered marriages. I'm hearing about problems that people deal with that have nothing to do with marriage--last week a member told us her drug addict sister is attempting to reconnect after a 3 year silence, for instance--and this has been really good for me, because it sort of shows me that there are other people with other problems that do NOT relate to infidelity or divorce or what have you. I end up not thinking about my past much at all when I'm in this sort of support group, and yet gaining tools I can use to apply to my personal situation if need be.

I guess what I'm saying is that if you start to feel an inner voice say that you need to detach from this particular group, don't ignore it! It will have served its purpose, and you can move on to another group if you choose :-)

I am honestly not sure that I believe this, at least for my own case. I think my xh was shocked at what he had done, and a lot of his subsequent crisis has been dealing with the shame from having treated us all so badly.

I absolutely do not believe he had checked out a long time previously. Not do any of the people who knew him well, including his three children.

Ultimately we have to trust ourselves. And I tried to 'believe' that the statement you quoted was true, but I know it isn't, for me and my marriage at any rate.

I can see what you both are saying and ultimately I have to trust my instincts. Something I used to have much more confidence in than I do now. Anyway - I'm really not questioning my involvement in the groups and I don't feel as if I'm looking for any "transformation" through participation - I am probably just looking for different perspectives. Oh well - 3 weeks of classes left then on to my next one - tennis lessons:)

That doesn't sound bad at all. I agree with you.



However, timelines...really don't serve you well. Instead of an arbitrary 365 days...and when did that timeframe start? Today? several months ago? 350 days ago?

Just go as long as you can...and then a little longer, have no regrets at the end of your rope, because that is what it is...the end of your ability...not a date circled on a calendar.

Don't get me wrong I'd have taken a bullet for my wife, taken on a Grizzly bear naked to save her, but In my own case I have to have some guidelines or plan for my own continued survival. After all the end purpose of all this change in my life has to be for me, and to get on with my life, whether it includes my wife or not.

If there is no progress at all with my W within a year with all the changes I've made and continue to make I doubt she will be back. The other thing is has she made enough changes in her own life for me to feel comfortable letting her come back?

There has been some thawing of the ice this past two weeks, but who knows if it will last? I'm better off mentally telling my self it's over, look after my kids as I'm able work on myself. If she does come back and is willing to work on our marriage it's just a bonus

TG - you sound as though you have a good handle on your boundaries. In hindsight, I don't believe I would have ever left my XH and he engaged in some VERY sick behaviors. In thinking about it - I am very embarrassed by what might appear to be a lack of boundaries. Didn't I respect myself enough - or is it that I was willing to sacrifice my self respect in order to keep our family together.

Hard to admit...

IB I don't know if it's that we don't respect ourselves enough...I think it's more that we have this 100% belief in our marriages and in the other person, and we can't fathom a life outside of that, and we know that morally it's "right" to try to hold it together despite what they do to us or the marriages.

I think you were willing to sacrifice your self-respect to hold the family together because you saw the family as "more important" at that time. You probably thought if you could hold the family together, your sacrifice would have been worth it, and you could always "rebuild" your self-respect later. That's how I felt too.

I probably owe XH a tiny bit of thanks for making the break when I would never have done it. I remember him saying "how many times do I have to hurt you for you to let me go?" He knew I'd sacrifice myself over and over for him/the marriage. I kept saying that I could forgive what he did, and he kept saying "but I don't think I should be forgiven."

Maybe your XH feels the same way. I think on some level they KNOW that we are people who are stronger "morally" and would not be tempted to betray a partner, and they know that they aren't that person, which is why they so often choose an OP who is morally bankrupt as they are. I mean, my XH chose a woman who left HER 6 year live-in boyfriend the day my XH left me. Who was the one person in the world who wouldnt' judge him? Her.

Bottom line is that we did our best to hold marriages together because that was the "right" thing to do...the ethical and moral thing to do. It doesn't mean we lacked self-respect.

I think the test of self-respect comes much later, if the X comes back and we just throw ourselves at them after all we have learned and ignore it if they are not changed at all, and I just don't see you or me doing that :-)