Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Learning from the pain....hard lessons

yes, luv, that's my problem. I'm so afraid of losing any time with my little boy. But it does hurt to be with her. Knowing she doesn't even want to be with me....

But funny thing is we STILL go out to eat every weekend alone. Have for years. We just got done about half an hour ago. We had a nice talk. I tried to keep it light and suceeded for the most part...small steps. She told me a lot about some work things. I tried hard to let her know I empathize, and that I hear... OW texted while we were eating. W did not answer her until we were finished.

of course then, me, trying to keep up some semblance of our old life....asked if W wanted to go get a movie for tonight. She said, "I don't care...you will get mad at me because I'll text through it anyway."

Me:"well, I try to ignore it, but if you want, you can tell 'her' you're watching a movie and you'll talk later"

Personally I think W is totally being drawn in by this person. I looked at the OW on FB--- just to see what she looked like, and saw some interesting things. The books W has suddenly taken an interest in, the t-shirts she's suddenly wearing, the new tattoo she just got.....ALL OF IT comes from this other woman.... Hmm...I'm beginning to think W really doesn't know who SHE is, and that's why it's so easy to blame everything on ME.

If that makes any sense??? She seems to be searching---grabbing something new... trying so hard to push all of 'our' life out of her life. Merging all the OW's interests... weird. Sorta chameleon-like. I thought W was stronger than that.

While we were out tonight and I was concentrating SO hard on being quiet...not doing anything to upset W, etc....I had another revelation. MY GOODNESS---- am I REALLY that unlovable and bad that I have to change myself and make myself over so someone will love me???? Don't I want someone to love me for ME????

Then I think...well, W used to really adore me. What changed? Life caught up with us. I didn't nurture the R. I didn't tell her how important she was enough. I spent too much time GAL then instead of working on US. She loved me so much....so it's not ME she's not in love with. All these things she's saying about me driving her crazy, blame blame blame.... WAS justification or as 25 says -- alien spew!

Not that I'm innocent. I admit the things I did wrong ^^^^^^, but I realized I'm not this unlovable person who has to watch every move and walk on eggshells to get someone to love me. That's not how I got W in the first place.

OK GUYS----------- any comments???????

IS, good to see you back in full force.

Sorry to hear about your dog.

I think you know what you can do better in terms of less talking and more listening. It takes practice. Take advantage of your opportunities.

The physical separation can be double-edged sword. On one hand it gets you away from the drama. On the other hand, it can get your W used to being without you AND your S will only live with you part time. My suggestion would be not to intiate it, but if it happens, capitalize on the positive side of it.

It's good that you're willing and able to own your part in this, but as you've figured out, both of you are responsible for the deterioration of the relationship. Your W, however, has been the one to take the inappropriate direction.

You can take advantage of this situation to truly find yourself. And - you ARE worthy of being loved for who you are.

((()))

I don't know....I'm SOOOOOOOOO frustrated with myself continually. I get revved up to be strong and then she comes home, and I crumble and do something stupid like some sort of R talk or whatever.

I seem to have no control over this -- it's the most frustrating thing in the f'in world at this moment. I push her further out the door....further to the OW.....

In reflecting, i wonder though, if subconsciously I'm doing it in order to get a separation. While I consciously do NOT really want it, I've become convinced it is the only way I can begin to heal.

And another thing I've noticed is that many DBers say your best efforts, 180s, etc.... can all be spot on, and if there is OP involved, nothing works.... I'm seeing that clearly right now.

I have done SO many things well. She has acknowledged my changes, (doesn't believe them, but at least noticed), I always try to look my best, try to be pleasant, etc...... I have avoided R talk for the most part (but every now and then something in me just goes bat-sh!t and it comes out!!!!

I am my own worst enemy, but really..... I do NOT want my S to have to live somewhere else and only be with me part time. W has NEVER been his primary caretaker. She has no clue. I cannot stand the thought of tearing his world apart....(WAS, how in the world do they justify their choices when kids are involved???)

I'm tired of being in this dark place. I keep picking myself up again and trying....but i keep messing up. OMG. Just ramblings.... Tired. SO tired. Want to mend my family. W always reiterates she's 'done'. Feels nothing when she looks at me. Has no interest in being with me. Has OW.

Just saying 'we're broke up' --- makes you free after 13 years and a child????? I really really have been reading about detatching. I intellectually understand it. Emotionally i can't seem to master it.

Keep on doing the best i can, which unfortunately seems to be pushing her out the door..... GOtta schedule another session with the DB coach. I only have one left. Need to make a list and make the most of it.

and my doggie is home now! They had to increase her daily insulin and she is regulated for now. Poor little thing lost so much weight. she's just tiny.

IS, I'm glad to hear your dog is doing better now.

It sounds to me like it's going to take a lot of practice do DB around your W. Practice, practice, and more practice. Unfortunately, you have to do most the practice on the fly, which makes it a lot harder. Keep working the detachment, too.

IMO, let your make the move on separation. You don't want to rock the little guy's world. I think you're justified in setting boundaries the OW.

Don't beat yourself. It takes practice for all of us to get it right. And we still backslide from time to time.

Sounds like a good plan with the DB coach. Making a list is always a good approach. It helps keep the session focused.

((()))

jb, even though I've had the bad experience with the church.... Please pray for me. I'm still not sure if it actually helps, but I know it doesn't hurt. And I do still believe there MUST be something bigger than us out there. There MUSt be a plan.

This all may lead me back to some deeper spirituality. I've seen it happen all over this board. I'm open minded at least. just keep me in your prayers. This is wearing on me at the moment.... like i said, I'm just soooooo tired.....
(emotionally, mentally and physically).

Thanks!!!!!!!

IS, I've already been praying for you.

I had a feeling you had.

(such a good man- good man -good man....)

((((HUGS))))) IS. Find a church that is not so restrictive. When W and I were in the process of having our D baptized the priest gave us a hard time because we were not married in a catholic church. Monday I went to a divorce care group that was held in a church. I don't know their denomination but they accepted me as is, no warranties. Try a divorce care group I think you might like it. I prayed for you and God loves you no matter what the church says. Don't forget you are his child too.

IS, I've been praying for you, too!

You are absolutely lovable and worthy, don't ever forget that. You are such a loving and attentive mommy to your little boy. You are highly intelligent, articulate and accomplished. There is a void in her life that has NOTHING to do with you, other than you are the person she's taking it out on.

Rick is right, too- there are many churches out there that you will find are totally accepting of you. My church has been an incredible source of support and comfort for me, I would highly recommend finding one! There are also many devotionals you can find online, I'll send you some links if you're interested...

(((())))