Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers alcoholic H decided he wants D

Day 6 of "no contact", well as much as possible with kids anyway...but def no talk of R or anything like that. Still no mention in about 10 days of filing papers or moving forward with that. We have been focused on dealing with our S14 and how he is handling this whole thing, which of course is not well.
H is starting to have some guilt about how S14 is doing which is a first, but told me last night he is starting late hours again and will be for awhile so that means no time to spend with S14 until the job is done, that could be weeks to months. the last time he went 7 weeks without seeing him and S14 still makes comments about that. When H told me this I tried really hard not to be confrontationel but told him he needed to make sure he tried to take him to dinner or something during this time, he cant just go that long without spending some sort of time with him so we will see how that goes.
I feel like Ive made some changes there, usually i would flip out and nag about how work always comes first and how could he choose that over his family...ive realized its not my place to force a relationship there, that is his thing and he will suffer the consecuenses if he does not make it a priority. all I can do is work on my relationship with S14 and be there for him. and reasure him that H (dad) loves him.
Have been trying to take care of me...the no sleep and not being able to eat much is getting to me. I seem to have a new alarm clock that wakes me up at 3am, and once im awake theres no point in staying in bed so the up side is Im getting alot of house work done in the mornings before work.:)
man, the ups and downs in DBing....one day it feels hopeless, the next there is a glimmer..I never know how to cope with it. should I be hopefull? and then get knocked down again, or just take things for what they are in the minute and not expect anything????? its so easy to just grab on to the hope but the disapointment when I realize that nothing is changing is hard to take..
forgiveness is the word of the week....forgiving myself and my H for the past, that is a hard one but I feel better about it so I think I must have finally gotten there, for now anyway...

No change in my sitch...but no papets served either...so theres that...

Hi itm, I'm glad to hear that no papers have been served.

My family has a history of alcoholism on my F's side, so I know a bit about that, but not much about AA. Isn't there a part where the person makes amends with those he has hurt through his alcoholism? Has your H done any of this with anyone? Just wondered.

I hope you and your family have a lovely weekend.

vc

Hi VC...

Yes, I have been hopefull since I have not been served..seems like he would have done that by now. I mentioned in an earlier post that I would have to see him soon because I had sold my bike to an out of state buyer and would be meeting the shipping co. at the house to pick it up..well that finally happened yesterday...because of the long hrs he is now working H agreed to leave a key for me and I did not have to actually see him, but did find the packet of divorce papers on the counter under a pile of mail. not exactley out in the open but enough to know that I would find them.
He is useing a paralegal company that files for you. They were not filled out and according to the date has had them since the 5th of this month. The fact that they were blank gave me more hope.
unfortunatley I also found a half gone 12pk of beer in the fridg....I was shocked since he has stated that he has 20 months clean and sober. It was not his usual "brand" so wasnt sure what to make of it. I left a very "nonconfrontational" note saying that I was not judgeing him but hoped that he knew that the boys and I loved him and wanted to be supportive if he would let me.
He responded late last night through text that "it was not my beer in the fridg dork, jason helped me last weekend and left it"..jason being our neighbor...I find it odd that a recovering alcoholic can have beer in there fridg and be strong enough to not drink any....but then again Ive been thinking this morning that maybe he has changed and is finally the man Ive always wanted him to be, with a back bone and strong enough to stick to what he has committed to...and Im not going to be included in that life to see it...that hurts. It also scares me, since he has decided he wants a divorce he has not waivered one time..he just keeps saying this is hard for him to and he just wants it to be fair and be able to move on. that also hurts...the whole "walking away and never looking back" is hard to take...seems very unfair after sticking around for years waiting for this change to happen, and then realizing its happening with out me.......

Maybe he thinks he can run away and leave all the problems his alcoholism created behind him. I think he will find it will follow him. My F quit drinking years after he and my M got a D. Twenty years later he still had regrets of what might have been. He went through four or five other M's, none worked out. His problems were not all caused by my M, otherwise they would have ended with their D. In the few years before his death, he would ask about my M, referring to her by her pet name. She would ask me about him, saying if things had been different, they would have still been together. She was married to my SF till his death last year. So, apparently, if she could be M to one person for that long, the problems obviously were not all caused by her. Like with you and your H, those problems have been magnified in his mind, and the fault, to him, seems to fall greater on you.

I can only hope that the beer was just for his friend. Maybe his friend could have taken the beer home with him, knowing your H is an alcoholic, and that temptation is bad.

So, what is the status of your moving there?

vc

That makes me incredibly sad VC...
I have a fear that my situation will turn out the same way. In 18 yrs I have never seen him the way he is now....I feel like I never knew him.
and I miss the man I knew so bad, i literally wish I could remove all memory of him. tonight is a bad night...

Ive spent a lot of time on this sight reading post..it seems to me that there is a lot of effort being put into trying to save marriages with little positive outcome..
I read a lot of the same story, spouse wants a D..we should not beg or cry and we should back off and wait for them to come around while working on bettering ourselves..
maybe i missed it but I havent found any post from anyone saying "its working", Ive backed off and my spouse is now comeing around saying he loves me again!!!!
seems to me that DBing is just a way to get someone through the inevitable without a complete breakdown...if you focus on yourself you have no time to lay on the floor and cry yourself sick..which i get, you need to move on and not focus on the bad feelings..but why not just call is what it is...
I think if someone loves you, they love you, and if they dont, they leave...backing off and going dark arent going to change that and neither is crying or begging so I guess its a wash...
sometimes people think a marriage is a mistake and bail...and everyone else involved is just colateral damage..
if you have a support system you get through it and if you dont, well, you end up on that floor...
eventually, you look around and realize what a moron you look like and get up and go about your life...
as you can see..i have not gotten there yet.
alcohol is an evil thing...it can ruin a whole entire family and make you wonder if that family ever even existed.

There are a number of recent posts that had the spouses R.

"I think if someone loves you, they love you, and if they dont, they leave"

It's never that simple. There are so many layers in terms of relationships that no two are alike.

"eventually, you look around and realize what a moron you look like and get up and go about your life...
as you can see..i have not gotten there yet."

I believe you've just insulted everyone posting on this site. You're not a moron for not wanting your M to work. All you're doing is the right thing. Nothing wrong with that.

Unfortunately it comes down to the fact that you can't control the actionsn of the WAS. What you do can make a difference. It has for me and many others.

Actually, itm, it does work, I think I am proof of it. My H was just as determined as any to end it. He said he had planned to one day pack his stuff, and just walk away, and say see ya. The ow was planning a big future for him. Thank God I found out in time, and found this site in time. He was also drinking enough to pass out many nights. I did not even know that, though. He said he would go downstairs and drink almost a whole bottle of vodka. I would send our son down to see what daddy was doing and he would say he was asleep, so I never knew about it, until he told me later on. And he said ow was helping him to stop drinking. blah blah blah.

It can get very discouraging to read all the misery going on here, but every so often a situation seems to have the doors open, and things begin to slowly improve for them. Those of us who have been lucky enough to find this site have a place to get the tools to learn how to save our M's from D. No, it won't work for all of us, but there are so many success stories that give us hope to keep going, to say we have done the best we can do in our own situation. And it can take a long time, but just GAL can make the time go by faster

And if it doesn't work out, you will not have spent the time in vain. Working on ourselves is something we should have done anyway.

Yesterday was our 28th anniversary. H told me over and over he wants us to have at least 28 more. This time five years ago, he was going to leave me, four years ago, he was going to leave me, three years ago, he was reconsidering it, due to the changes I had made in the way I acted and treated him, and just generally made myself a better vc. Now, he sings a totally different tune. I don't know how long before I truly trust him 100% on this or anything else, but for now, I think he is sincere.

I read that you were having a bad night last night, did something happen to make you feel so bad? About the support system, I told no one at all, except a counselor I went to, and our former preacher and his W. Not a single family member was ever told. No friends were told. I came here every day for advice and help. I learned a lot from the people here. This site WAS my support system.

I hope tonight is a better night for you.
vc

alcohol is evil. I am dealing with the same thing.